Best of the Week

What's the best thing that happened to you this week? My thing was having the bartender lady at my local bar recognize me and give me a nickname. Second place was being mildly assaulted by hungry goats at the petting zoo.

Art by Fluffy

Fluffy has mad skillz. I can barely use my mouse to make a stick figure and she busts this out. I can only assume that it represents the red mist that all women are consumed by when they think of me. We don't have the term red mist here in Seppoland. It's yet another cultural tidbit I learned on my Aussie excursion.

How ya going?

How ya going?

Hello?

Hello?

The Ugliest Dog in the World!

I was at the park romping with Ass Breath and Freckle Dick yesterday and a friendly blond-haired gal walked over to say hello. She had her dog on a leash. It was one of those scary-looking things that people actually pay money for. The breed is called Chinese Crested. Why anybody would want to actually go out of their way to breed this dog into existence is beyond me. Let's give it a head of hair but only wisps of hair on it's body. It's like a big, spotted water rat had sex with Yoda and this was the baby born as a result.

I was actually repulsed by the site of this dog with a white pompadour on it's head and wisps of hair on it's liver-spotted back. It was being friendly so I bravely gave it a pet on the back. This was a mistake. It's texture was not of this world. I can only describe it as being similar to petting the wrinkly ass of an old lizard man. I think I actually looked at my hand to make sure none of it had rubbed off on me. I tried to smile at it's cute owner but I think she could tell that I was a tad nauseated and walked off. I needed a beer to steady my nerves after the encounter.

They just look like aliens, or gremlins who have been in some kind of freak accident involving acid or an explosion. Even the "cute ones" look like this.

Little Alien Freak

The one at the park reminded me of Ziggy Stardust because of his white mullet. Sometimes the white hair makes them look like a zombie the corpse of Andy Warhol.

Kids As Entertainment

I'm starting work on Monday. It's a Summer teaching job. There are lots of fiend trips planned so it should be a fun experience.

In that spirit, I thought I'd post some humorous kid pics from the vast Khronicles archive.




Yes, he does taste just like bacon. Sadly, the pig is thinking the same thing. If he was midly hungry that hog would eat the kid bones and all.

I like it. It would be fun to have 20 kids all with hand prints on their head. Perhaps I have the theme for my class summer photo.

She must have told a very funny German Shephard joke. Damn, those are some big teeth. It makes me think of Little Red Riding Hood. Perhaps they're rehearsing a scene from it.

If you have any funny kids with animals pictures please send them my way. krankiboy@yahoo.com

Chipper

When I was 6 years old I had an imaginary friend named Chipper. One day Chipper decided it would be fun to draw on the walls of the upstairs hallway. My aunt asked me why I'd drawn on the walls and I explained that it was all Chipper's idea. I was apparently so insistent about it being Chipper's doing that she didn't want to burst my imagination so I didn't get in trouble.

I wish Chipper was still around but unfortunately he's serving time in prison on a man-slaughter charge. You think you know an imaginary friend, and then they go and do something like that.

An Open Letter to the person who broke into my car

Dear Person who broke into my car,

First off let me apologize to you because there wasn't much of value in my car. I feel bad that you had to go through all the effort of smashing my window only to discover that I have nothing but boxes of old books in my trunk. I hope you didn't cut your hand on the glass or hurt your back lifting the boxes of books while searching for something valuable underneath them. They shouldn't have even been in there. I just hadn't bothered to remove them since I moved. You probably saw the boxes and got all excited that there might be something of value inside. Sorry for that, too. I know how disappointed I got on my 9th birthday when I opened what I hoped was a Star Wars action figure and found a pair of dress socks instead. As for the bike rack and the the large pair of butterfly wings that you didn't want. Don't feel bad. What was I thinking even having those there in the first place?

Sorry there was only a tape deck and no CDs. I know that cassettes are outdated and R.E.M and the Police aren't exactly the most cutting edge bands out there. As for the fact that my coin bin only had pennies in it I can only justify that by saying I had every intention of putting more dimes and quarters in there. You were probably all like "Pennies?! WTF?!" That had to be an annoying discovery for you. Please know that I'm just as embarrassed as you were inconvenienced.

If the contents had been more organized you would have had an easier time sorting through them. I take full responsibility for the clutter. As an added benefit you've made sure that nobody else can break that window anymore. It is now truly smash proof. LMAO ;)

Overall, I want to thank you for taking the time and effort to personally evaluate my car's contents. I hope this lackluster experience hasn't soured you on the whole "breaking into cars and stealing stuff" experience. Please give me another chance to stock the car with a better selection of goods. I look forward to working together in the near future.

Warm Regards,

Krankiboy, 1990 Honda Accord (with shattered rear window) Owner


p.s.

I do think you should have taken Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. It's a great read and is just as relevant and compelling today as when it was written.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

Look, darlin' readers, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm an extremely popular guy. I just happen to have retained my sense of humility and humble dignity through it all. It's not some empty boast either. Just today alone all these people asked to become friends with me. It's 100% true. I seem to have an appeal that draws in all types including, but not limited to....

Artsy B&W College Girls





Sporty Beach Babes
Quirky Red Heads



































Aging Sorority Girls
Girls with Breast Implants
Famous Actresses

Trashy Blond Narcissist Bimbos


Aspiring Actresses
Asian Orgy Enthusiasts

















Latina Gangsta Girls (if I had a nickle for every time I've tapped onna doze)


































Emo Girls whose parents can be such total "mega-jerks"












British Men

Asian Department Store Models











Now I'm not stupid or naive. I know why these people really want me to become my friends. I'm well aware that they're all trying to get close to me in hopes of gaining my intimate trust and having sexual relations with me. Except the British dude. He probably just wants to invite me to hang out with him in London so that he can get some of my cast-off girlie action. Smart chap.

I understand that being desired is the price of epic blog fame and I don't past judgement on these women and British dude for yearning to be near me in order to feel better about themselves. Look, if I could safely have sex with all these needy women (some exceptions apply) to improve their self-esteem I would gladly do so. But would that really be doing them a favor? Where would they go from there? The rest of their life would be a feeble and futile attempt to match that one moment of grandiose Krankiboy Klimax. To give just a glimpse and then shut the door would be cruel. I'll continue to deny them and keep them at a distance. Hopefully they can channel their raw, lustful urges for me into something that will benefit mankind. Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind.

Dogs Love Their Balls

It's a fact. Dogs love their balls.

This is an Article from the Sydney Morning Herald

Real, or fake? Never mind the busty woman walking her dog in the park - it may be her pooch who's sporting implants.

Some pet owners who neuter their male dogs are opting for a surgical procedure meant to make Fido feel like he's back in the good old days BC - Before Castration.

Neuticles - testicular implants for dogs that look and feel like the real thing - are said to boost a pet's self-esteem by replacing what was lost.It's a procedure that's becoming increasingly popular in New York.

"We did it so Truman could still walk proudly down the street,'' says Penny Glazier, a Manhattan restaurateur, of her 8-year-old bullmastiff.

"We felt it would be good for him psychologically.''

Neuticles are made from polypropylene $US119 ($A144 a pair), solid silicone ($A300) or a liquid-filled ``ultra-plus'' model with lifelike veins $US889 ($A1,000).
They range in size from petite to XX-large.

"It is mostly men who inquire about it,'' says Dr Gina Antiaris of Miller-Clark Animal Centre in Mamaroneck, New York.

"It's really a cosmetic thing,'' says Dr Richard Green, who has performed the operation several times. "Dogs do just fine without their testicles.''

Neuticles were introduced in 1995 by Missouri inventor Glenn A Miller.

Though it took several years for veterinarians to accept the product, Miller claims more than 230,000 pets in 49 countries have been "Neuticled'' at 17,000 clinics worldwide.

The procedure is performed mostly on dogs, but owners have had it done for cats, bulls, horses, monkeys - even an elephant.

For a full 20 seconds I stopped to wonder if my boy dogs feel like something is missing. They're dogs and while I love them compared to (most) people I think they're relatively stupid and don't notice that their balls are missing. The idea of fake balls for dogs is patentely absurd. They're looking to begin with. I was at the park the other day and I saw this Bulldog running and I can say with great conviction that seeing his doggy nut sack bouncing around wasn't some doggy version of Bay Watch. It was just gross. A daschund went to play with the big balled dog and got pounced on. The poor lil weiner dogs was nearly tea bagged by a nad-sack as big as his head. New Yorkers must have developed a new strain of functional retardation to shell out money for such a operation. I'd like $1,100 to shell out to replace dog balls that I paid to have removed in the first place. Neuticles? Why not Castraticles? Or simply Fake Dog Balls. I think I see the Four Horsemen riding over the horizon.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/pets/owners-nuts-for-fake-dog-testicles/2007/05/11/1178390539146.html

Measure of a Man

"A man's enthusiasm for a date is best measured by how thoroughly he showers beforehand."

-kb

God Bless God

Why does the media insist on calling intelligent design an 'alternative' to the theory of evolution? That's like saying pancakes are a good alternative to an internal combustion engine.

Owen is Hawt!

I'm sick of all the women I know saying how cute Owen Wilson is. I'm happy to share this little goodie. Who's hot now?

Word of the Day

Todays word of the day comes to us from Joe.

Necropedaphilia

Get help, Joe. Get help soon.

Walk it off, kranki.

I don't think I mentioned a previous date that I went on. She had told me she was on crutches after having a knee operation and that was no big deal. It was all going very nicely and we were having a few drinks and talking about teaching and favorite spots in the city. That's when the young woman told me that she had just weeks before been informed that she had an incurable bone disease that will ultimately lead to her being confined to a wheel chair. That, as you can imagine, is a hard comment to respond to. "Wow, I said..." as I struggled for something positive to say "you're handling that news extremely well... good for you that you're not letting that stop you from doing things like going out and dating." Perhaps that's what people mean when they specify "must be disease free." I liked her and she asked me to call her. We actually planned to get together again but when she finally returned my call-- three weeks later, the luster had already worn away.

Cocktails and Wet Dreams: Rise of the Machines

I know that the title sounds like a porno starring Tom Cruise and Arnold Schwarzenegger and I'm sorry for putting that image in my head, and now, yours.

I'm really not the boldly go where no man has gone before explorer that I pretend to be, however when a friend of mine invited me to check out something called Dorkbot taking place at The Porn Palace my curiosity was peaked.

It was basically just a bunch of nerds getting together to drink and show off different robots that they'd constructed. Some were big, boring, chunks of welded metal that looked like some over-sized Frankensteinesque remote control car. And the robot doesn’t do anything? Cooll! Oh goodie they have slides of them building it in the garage… joy. They talked for what seemd forever and the most interesting part of the entire "talk" was the fact that one of the women had the last name Flybutter. Is that butter for flies or butter made out of flies? Fortunately there were some brilliant guys from Austria who were in town showing off some of their bartending robots. The cocktail making robot we got to meet was called Cockbot I. I'll give you a moment to giggle. Are you ready to read on? Okay, so this particular Cockbot mixes and pours martinis. I should also mention that the robot can read your mind. Really? Yes, really. It actually hooks up to electrodes on your head, reads your brainwaves and displays them with 3D graphics on a screen. The higher your alpha waves the dryer it makes the martini. It was simply impressive. After that some electrical engineer guy came out and did the most boring PowerPoint presentation I've ever seen. How one can make a presentation on cutting edge, computerized sex toys boring is beyond me. Just trust me when I say that this guy was the James Bond of boring sex toy chat. He was full-on 007 License to Kill a fun gathering. He does have a damn fine website. As the crowd was slipping off to escape, somebody at the Porn Palace broke out the Big Guns. I was not prepared.

I think the simplest way to explain it is to imagine taking a giant vibrator and hooking it up to the engine of a monster truck. If you can imagine that then you're on your way to grasping what a fucking machine is. When our host at the Porn Palace offered to give private demonstrations we all chuckled. Then I realized that was his business and he was 100% serious about the private demo offer. I like to consider myself to be curious and open minded so I quickly finished my drink and scurried out of there as if somebody had just offered to anally violate me with a massive robot-- which they had.
If you want to see some pictures of the Robo-Love-Makers you can click here at your own risk. Help yourself. I find these things scary so I’ll be hiding in my happy place rocking back and forth in the fetal position, far from the penetrating reach of the machines.

Some Red Flags Are Bigger Than Others

Sorry to leave both of my readers hanging by a thread there with that cliffhanger of an encounter. I've been terribly busy with my new hobby that I like to call "not-blogging."

It seems that my instincts to duck and cover were pretty much right on the money. The attractive young woman who very forwardly approached me was not the refreshing sorbet of interaction I was hoping for. The woman turned out to be better under bar lighting (admittedly, who isn't). I met up with her for coffee during the day and we were having a very nice conversation until she brought up the guy who had a crack problem that was living with her until just a few days ago. What's bigger than a red flag? I suppose that was waving an giant, pulsating, neon-green flag that is more easily visible from outer space than the great wall of China if it were on fire. She was perfectly nice but whatever the opposite of chemistry is, we had that. I had taken my dogs Ass Breath and Freckle Dick with me and they seemed to have a good time.

I think I'd be better off only dating chicks on meth. At least they're "perky." Or maybe advertising for a live-in crack addict is the better way to go. I suppose they all have their pros and cons. Perhaps lil quirks like that are something to be overlooked?

Apathy the Ultimate Aphrodisiac

My friend Vivian dropped by last night with her brother and I took them down to The Mission to get a drink, which turned into a mini bar hopping experience. I wasn't in going out mode, but it was nice to trek back into the social stratosphere. We were at the first bar for all of five minutes before this lovely young lady at the bar began chatting me up. Suddenly I felt like "the girl" as I realized that I was being flirted at. It was all very straight forward on her part. It almost didn't even seem like flirting because I didn't have to act charming or funny. We finished our conversation and I turned my attention to Vivian and her brother. I knew he was heading to Virginia and I asked him what he was planning to do when he got there.

"I'm going to find a way to earn a lot of money, buy a sailboat and sail it to China and Tibet. I'm gonna go by myself. How cool will it be to be there and be, like, everybody speaking a different language around me and have no idea what they're saying?"

Well, it sounded like a nice pipe dream but I didn't know him, so who knows, maybe he's the kind of guy who can make that happen. I complimented him on having an interesting answer and a destination. I didn't want to tell him that he'd really be sailing to India unless he wanted to walk the remaining thousand miles to Tibet. Who was I to inject logic to his vibe. I wasn't in a bubble bursting mood and so I watched his bubble float up to the ceiling of the bar and mingle with the pinatas hanging from the ceiling. I wondered if there were still goodies in the pinatas. Then I thought of buried pirate treasure and then I imagined modern day pirates capturing this poor guy who had saved all his money to buy a boat and sail it to Tibet... by himself.

My meandering mind was distracted from it's distraction by the young lady who was now standing beside me. It was as if she was patiently waiting for my mind to wander back from it's little journey. She smiled and told me that they were going to another bar if I wanted to go with them. I told her maybe. She told me that she lived nearby and that because I lived nearby too that we should go out together. Then she gave me her card and told me to get in touch with her.

That was easy. I didn't have to do a thing. Should I be worried. Is she going to drug me, murder me and skin me alive and do some weird human taxidermy on my corpse and put me into a lifelike position? I'll get back to you... hopefully.

Paris Hilton is DEAD!

The matching tiaras are a festive touch.

Long live the dead!