Monday, March 20, 2006

Behold! THE WIZARD has returned!

Oh Boy! Well, if it isn't my favorite little nerdling subculture. Hello there my little Blogger friend. Have you returned for more advice from me? Oh, how cute.

I do have much greater knowledge of the cosmos than... you who still use 10% of your brain. What the hell are you saving it for. Sure, I'll help answer your problems. I'd be delighted to share my superior wisdom with you needy creatures.

Okay what can I do for you? Don't be shy? I would be glad answer any and all questions with grace, dignity, and profanity.

Kranki has asked that I not be so "harsh" this time. And he did let me stay on his couch when those Ice Demons were after me. You devirginize one demon-girl princess and you're suddenly "persona non-grata." Did I complain about the frost damage she caused to my... magic staff?

At any rate. What question vexes you? Ask away? I'm here to help.


Peter said...

Dude, does John Goodman know you're wearing his glasses?

The Wizard said...

Oh, chortle chortle, titter. Just a moment, peter whilst I finish up the manic fit of laughter that your witty glasses comment sent surging through me.

I happen to have enjoyed The Big Lebowski and when the glasses went onto ebay I purchased them at the "buy it now" price.

May your day be filled with unending incontinence.

))><(( The Wizard

sophistikfool said...

When's kranki coming back I miss him already. What have you done with him Wizard?

elaine said...

dear Wizard,

why do dungeons and dragons players wear crushed velvet and corsetry, enter the goth subcuture and think they're instantly "cool"? Don't they realise that goth went out sometime in the 80's?

Confused in Melbourne.

BEVIS said...

Dear Wizard,

Poofters say what-now?


The Wizard said...

BEVIS said...

"Poofters say what-now?"

Indeed, they obviously do. Your impusissance is a disgrace to your fellow sodomites.

The Wizard said...

Darling Elaine,

You asked "why do dungeons and dragons players wear crushed velvet and corsetry, enter the goth subcuture and think they're instantly "cool"? Don't they realise that goth went out sometime in the 80's?"

I'm quite certain that pretending to be something you're not. Such as... hmmm, I don't know... let's say a FEMALE PIRATE. That stems from mild retardation, coupled with a delusion of grandure. Such behavior is often found among the clincally insane. The only other way to contract the disease is thorough intercourse with a syphilitic chimp. Fortunately there is a cure. Consuming just one single gallon of fresh Warlock urine has proven to cure even the most desperately deluded.

Buckaneer Pirates I believe went out of style in the 1780's.

I hope that wasn't too much info to swallow all at once.


Anonymous said...

Boo hoo! I miss kranki! Whheerrree is krranki?!

Boo fuckin' hoo! Hurry up and post some naked pictures. It's the only reason anybody looks at your pretentious blog.

Oh, and thank your friend sensecollider for keeping her Double-A boobies warm for me.
Nobody likes a cold titties.


SenseCollider said...

I have a full C cup Wizard... you must be loosing your vision powers, or whatever

Quirkie said...

Wizard, just a kind thought:

You seem to be a little tense.

Also, I note that you are experiencing a wee bit of abdominal swelling. Have you tried eating a more fibre?

Yours in Christ,

The Wizard said...

A full C! Really, well that's a Unicorn of a differnt color.

I was happy to straddle your saddle before. Now "C" is for cookie and that's full enough for me.

I just cancelled my 9INCHMEAT@aol account but you can send the nude frontal pictures to

Stay Classy!

The Wizard

The Wizard said...

Hi there Quirky. It's nice to finally get a kind word for a change. I think it's very thoughtful of you to enquire about my health. It shows your kind nature, warm heart and willingness to releive my tension.

Are you an hourly rate or can we just do a tension tamer alleyway quickie? I've only got a ten-dollar bill at the moment, but I can always break it and get some change.

Jellyfish said...

Dear Wizard,

I'm meant to be babysitting right now, but I've left her in front of the tv with a bowl of pasta and a Disney video while I check my Bloglines. Does this make me less of a person?


J. Fish

Girl At Sea said...

Hello Wizard.

I fancy this boy. We went out on a 'date' and it was really fun. I thought we would see each other again, but he has been very quiet ever since. I have this present for him, should I still give it or not?

Many thanks.

Magical_M said...

Dear Wizard,

Is it allowable to slay your flatmate (in the manner of Buffy) because she's a complete slob whose idea of cleaning the bathroom consists of changing the toilet roll when its finished and hanging up her towels instead of leaving them to fester on the floor?

Also, what are your tips for cleaning the shower when it is stained with the aforementioned flatmate's black hair dye which she insists on using once a fortnight but never cleans up?

~ End of her tether, Sydney ~

The Wizard said...

You there, the Jelly Fish Person:

Morally I think it's pretty deplorable to leave a young child on her own in this dangerous world full of freaks and psychos.

The fact that her parents have gone out of their way to actually pay a lunatic with a blog-fettish to watch their child is deeply twisted.

P.S. If she's got blonde hair and blue eyes I can get 50 thousand for her on the black market. You get a 10% finders fee. Deal? Oh, and can you give me this one ALIVE please. The trunk of my Cadillac still smells like fermented baby.

The Wizard said...

Hello Girl at Sea. How long has it been since you and this boy had this "really fun" date?

At any rate, I think the matter should be discussed further before you simply give up on the boy. You two obviously had a connection. I think you should put your fear aside in the name of love and show him he missed out on something special. I bet if you sent him a video of you and I sharing a bubble bath he'd realize what he'd missed out on. Even if it doesn't you'll get to learn how to play Tickle the Sea Serpent. It's a win-win situation.

The Wizard said...

Oh, Magical M. Murder rarely solves problems in life. Unless it's some Pixie whore that's been slutting it up all over the forest and dropping her Pixie knickers for any Elf, Gnome or Goblin who flashes a little coin her way.

Sorry, so okay you and your roommate were showering together...

Oh, right. Well, ironically if you do ram a stake through her heart you're going to have even more of a mess to clean up.

I suggest killing two birds (HA HA) with one stone by putting scorpion venom in her hair dye. It's a screamy, horrific, cruel and fun way to take care of both the rommate and those pesky dye stains.

Magical_M said...

scorpion venom... great idea.

where does one purchase scorpion venom?

i'm assuming its not the kind of thing you can throw in the trolley when you're doing the weekly grocery shop.

BEVIS said...

Dear Wizard,

Why isn't that thing doing what it does? You know the thing? Why isn't it doing what it does?

Ineffectual, Melbourne.

The Wizard said...

I'm not that familiar with vibrating ass dildos and how they operate. However you may want to see if the batteries need to be replaced. Hope it works itself out... Or in this case I suppose I should hope it works itself in. Good lock with the sodomy.

Fri Mar 24, 06:28:48 PM

MelbourneGirl said...

hello wizard. is there a mrs wizard? and any offspring wizardettes? do you celebrate the american festivals, halloween etc or do you have your own wizardly festivuses? festivii?

yours etc


BEVIS said...

Ah, got it - thank you. You were right, it was the batteries. Everything's humming away nicely now. Cheers!

PS - Why are you so fat?

The Wizard said...

Hello Melbourne Girl. Thank you for your question. There is no female with the honor of being Mrs. Wizard. You see, I am a rolling stone. Wherever I lay my hat is my home. I am also quite careful where about I spread my magical seed. Despite my facial precautions I imagine that there probably are a few dozen wizlings (offspring) bopping around out there.

As for your inquiry regarding which "American festivals" I celebrate. I quite enjoy Halloween. I do not lower myself by dressing up in some silly costume. I like the event because it is a prime time for MILF hunting. Children are also easily duped into giving up their bags of candy.

There are rituals and conventions and all the standard ceremonies to the dark gods. Naturally, the Oracle must be appeased from time to time.

The Wizard said...

Ah Bevis, my favorite turd burgling blogger.

You asked "Why are you so fat?" If you had two brain cells to rub together you might realize that I am Warlock not to be trifled with. Such questions might warrant unleasing my powers on your sorry ass. You may call me fat if you wish but I think we all know you are envious of my magical girth.

Happy salad tossing!

Chai said...

Am I too late to show up for the head count?

BEVIS said...

Dear Wizard,

Why are your parents brother and sister?



kranki said...

Why are my parents brother and sister? A baseless question comprised of pure speculation.

My question to you Mr. Bevis "sans" Butthead is why was your particular wad of baby batter so vile that it wasn't simply swallowed at that particular gang bang session?

BEVIS said...

Why does an all-powerful Wizard like you not know the basic differences between "BEVIS" and "Beavis"?

And why are you answering these questions as Kranki, all of a sudden?

kranki said...

I move in mysterious ways.