Sunday, March 05, 2006

Brokeback Pimpin'

Ah the Oscars. John Stewart hosting them is bizarre to me. I met him back in 1995 when nobody knew who the fuck he was. I even remember the joke I made so that he would "like me" just to let him know I was part of the funny guy club. He was signing autographs at the Collegefest booth for WLVI TV 56 which was a local Boston TV station booth where I was an intern at the time. This girl asked him "John, can you please sign my breast?" I was interested to see how that would go down. Like a gent he took out a dollar and offered to sign that instead. Darn, no boobie. But hey, the fan/whore got a dollar. I guess it's plain old fashioned good manners to tip anybody who offers to get naked for you.

There was a lull and then I felt it. Here was my big moment to say something to Jon Stewart and I said "Hey, John, if your hand gets tired from signing autographs we can switch to giving piggy back rides." HA HA HA! I waited for a response from my hero and then he looked up from his writing, gave a small smile and a nod that seemed to say "That's actually funny, kid." We had the same favourite pizza place back in Manhattan. Small world. Clearly we were going to be best friends from then on, right?

I was pumped up and asked him what he wanted to do after the autograph signing and he said. I need you to get me cigarettes, a six pack of beer and privacy. We haven't spoken since.

So here is the formula for you aspiring stars
Krankiboy Kontact + 10 years = FAMOUS

Back in 1996 I waited in line with Chris rock. Back then none of you knew who the hell Chris Rock was aside from the skinny black dude on Comedy Central or the guy who would be on SNL if they needed a black guy that yelled like Richard Pryor (funniest motherfucker on two legs ever R.I.P. Jo Jo Dancer)

Now please understand that Chris Rock is a funny, funny stand up. But alas, he is a horrid, horrid, unconvincing actor. See anything he's been in and you'll agree. He'd probably agree too.

I also met Steven Wright and Dennis Leary in my time in Beantown (Boston) but their fame had pretty much peaked by then.

Do you like how I took credit for the success of talented up and coming comedians becoming successful. In reality it's probably 15% talent 10% luck and only 75% crossing paths with me.

And Tim Robbins I was drunk enough to talk to a few weeks ago and he was very charming and at least pretended to laugh at what I said in a convincing manner. It was something about he and Alan Rickman being on screen together being incredibly erotic in Bob Roberts. I told you I was drunk, fuck off.

I left out the famous folks in between Mr. Stewart and Mr. Robbins because even at Oscar time it still sounded pretentious. It's just LA and just like real people in LA 95% of the celebrities are assholes.

Hope the Academy Awards made your nether regions tingle with stardusted adoration. George Clooney just gets cooler every year. But how I met him and accidentally interrupted his basketball game is a story for another time.


BEVIS said...

That's excellent. Nearest I can do is the time I walked past Eden Gaha in Collingwood. Here's his cute little smilin' dial.

Don't worry, you're a Yank so you don't know him. Neither do any Australians anymore.

He was semi-famous as a kid's afternoon TV show host in Australia for about 5 minutes back in the early 90s.

The difference between this story of mine and the majority of yours, is that I seemed to be the 'kiss of death' on Eden's entire career. I wonder if it could have been worse for him. I suppose so: I could have said something to him!

So if you're famous, steer clear of me. Apologies to all the celebrities whose blogs I have linked to from mine. Clearly you're all about to end up in the toilet.

(I guess I mean that statement figuratively; about your careers. But hey - you never know.)

Buck Fudd said...

Between you, Fitsy, Matty B and the Clembot I must be one degree of separation from at least 1000 celebrities by now. I knew there was something worthwhile about it.

jude said...

This is kind of funny.
I like fustigate but don't know what cumshaw means

Quirkie said...

I think it's what a rickshaw is called in Bangkok. But what would I know? I usually walk.

sublime-ation said...

Bevis: I know who Eden Gaha is. I even remember his sister, Danielle, from when she sang a cover of Ring My Bell on Hey Hey It's Saturday.
Now that's comedy gold.
Did you give her the kiss of death to?

BEVIS said...

Nah, she's got more of a career than he ever had (even including his stint as the useless resident 'vet' on those 'Renovation Rescue' shows they did a few years ago. He had the slackest of all the jobs - including the females - on site. Everyone else is lugging concrete and wooden beams around, doing all this manual labour, and he's playing with the family's dog and popping down the pet store to buy them a new hamster).

But Danielle is still singing around the traps. It may not sound like much, but she's a back-up singer now for John Farnham. So she plays in shows all around the country to thousands of people a night as a regular gig (nice work if you can get it, as a singer).

She was also one half of the legendary 'Nissan Cedrics' on the original ABC show featuring Roy & HG, 'Club Buggery'. I can't be stuffed doing links to all these things, so you're all going to have to find out about any of the above that sounds bizarre and unknown by Googling them yourself.

If I were Jobe, I'd call her a Hotbabe, but I'm not (repeat: NOT!), so I'll just call her Danielle.

Sounds like she caught your eye first, though, Subby.

As small-potatoes as she is, I'd say her star has risen (and stayed) higher than her brother's.

Magical_M said...

Never mind Eden bloody Gaha - I want the story about George Clooney's basketball game!

*reaches for paper bag*

*begins hyperventilating*