Kitten Kaboodle

...Well how am I supposed to feel? I feel really hurt, you know? Rejected.



Listen, Kitten, I'm sorry. What we had was very special. I'm not rejecting you. I'm taking my life in a new spiritual direction. We've grown apart over the last few weeks. I've been in search of enlightenment while you've been putting all your energy towards batting that ball of yarn around. I need more. Somebody who will challenge me as a person.


I just don't understand where this is coming from.



I feel it inside of me I need a change I'm going to Nepal. I'm need to find myself.


What? Nepal!? Great meanwhile I'm stuck here with no girlfriend the day after Valentines Day. Perfect.



Oh, Please. That's such a commercial holiday, anyway. Uch... I still can't believe you gave me pink roses. How fucking tacky is that? You don't even know me. Look I'm hanging up. Have a good life.

*Click*


*ring ring*


*ring ring*




Hello?


Hey Krankster, it's Kitten Doing Push-ups. Can we talk?


Hey, Kitten Doing Push-ups! I was just about to call you.
Dude, Naked Harpie said there's gonna be a rager of a party tonight. You up for it?


Actually, Myra just broke up with me. I don't think a party is quite my speed.


Oh! Dude. Good riddance. Screw that crunchy chick and the hairy pits she rode in on. Seriously, dude, it looked like she had a vagina under each arm. Those mangy fuckers were long enough to braid into dreadlocks. You're too good for her. That acne, her vegan politico bullshit. Plus she didn't even like Da Ali G Show. Hey did you see the one where Borat goes... um... What was I saying? Oh yeah... So just come out and cut loose tonight. You're swingle again.


Yeah, but I'm not feeling like putting myself out there...


You have to dust yourself off and get right back on the horse, dude. It's settled. We're going to the party. I'm picking you up. No excuses. You know what I always say. Nothing cheers up a little pussy like a little pussy.


HA HA! Good one. Maybe, I don't know. I guess you're right. It'll be good just to get out of the house anyway. What time you wanna roll out?


I'll get the scoop and ring you back. Okay, dude?


Okay, I'll I just be hangin' here, man. Later.

*click*





*ring ring*




Hello?


Hey, Harpie, it's Krankiboy. What time does that party start?


Like around 9, but I'm not gonna get there until 11 at the earliest.


Cool, cool. Listen, my buddy Kitten Doing Pushups just broke up with this girl. You know anybody that we could set him up with. He needs some serious cheering up.


Ah sexual healing. Hmmm... he's into girls. Hmmmm... lemme make some calls and see what I can do.


*Click*




Polichicks, keep left it you wanna get laid? Oh hey Harpie.... No we broke up with Owen and Luke it was creepy dating brothers, ya know?... Well the five of us voted and we decided 3 votes to 2 to dump them. Why?.... No WAY! You're kidding?! He's single now?! What about that hippie nerd chick he was.... Really? Oooo... he's cute we just want to pick him up, pass him around and stroke him until he pops! Okay, we'll see you there, then. Bye slut.


*ring ring*





*ring ring*



Hello?


Hey Kittten, it's Elisabeth. I heard you and Miss Hair Pits are splits. Do you love how I just rhymed that? Anyway this is a bit embarrassing but... maybe... would you want to--

"Damn it, Elisabeth! Did you eat my last lean cuisine!"

Kitten, hold on, my camel toe roommate is calling me.

What do you want I'm on the phone?



I asked you if you ate my last fucking lean cuisine meal! I wrote my god damn name on it!!


Uh... Elisabeth you sound busy maybe I could--

*BEEP*

That's my other line. I'll call you back.


*Click*


Hello?.....






Hello?......





Heeyyy, Kitten. It's Jamie your neighbor from upstairs. C-could you come up here cause we-- I mean I... Te he he he. I um... I -- I know you work out and stuff. So I was really kind of wondering and hoping if you could, like, help me, maybe, you know, move my bed around.


Yeah, I guess so. I'm not doing anything else. What are neighbors for, right? *Click*

*Sigh*

Shit. Moving furniture. What a crappy night this is shaping up to be.

Happy Anything But Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a horrible idea for a holiday. I've seen it drive people insane. I've been one of those people where you feel like a leper if you don't happen to be involved with anyone so you stay hope like the unlovable freak you must be, or you get all dressed/tarted up and go to a singles mixer. You're missing out so you must be a loser. My wife and I don't celebrate the holiday. Well, it happens to be our dogs birthday so I guess we lavish them with a bit of extra attention in appreciation that they exist.

Valentines is a day on which people are supposed to lavish gifts on their sweetie, send somebody flowers, chocolates, take them to a romantic dinner, buy them lingerie and then have some kind of sexy using some fruit-scented lubricant. Did I leave anything out. Oh yes, the cards. I went into a drug store to buy some ginger ale for my poor sis-n-law Kylie. She drank a bit more than the Surgeon General recommends and she paid the price. On my way into the store this girl hands asks me if I want a coupon so if I buy three cards I get one free. If Valentines Day were a holiday I would challenge it to a duel prepare to count ten paces, whip around after two paces and shoot it dead. People already in relationships don't need this holiday. They already have anniversaries and birthdays which are at least a bit more personal. And those that have just fallen into a love, lust or fuck buddy relationship are way to busy peeling their clothes off and getting sweaty to stop and smell some flowers or eat some chocolate.

Valentines Day makes perfectly nice and lovely people who happen to be single feel shitty about themselves simply because they don't have a significant other. Kind of like how Father's Day sucks for me and my daddyless ass. But one day I'll be on the receiving end of ugly ties, slippers #1 Dad Mugs and hopefully some really shitty homemade ash trays.

I have some alternative ideas for more practical things we could do on this day.

1) We could have Sadie Hawkins Day where the girls all ask the guys out. It's absurd to think that the guy has any control over the asking out process, so let's stop pretending he does and let the girls/women choose.

2) We could celebrate Buy a New toothbrush because you've had that old one for like a year and a half and that's just nasty Day.

3) Venereal Disease Awareness Day. 1 in 4 people have herpes. Christ. That must suck. Sorry to 25% of you reading this blog. And apologies to the 90% of those 25% who got the herpes from me. My bad.

4) Don't drive like an fucking asshole day. This would be in stark contrast to every Sunday in my neighborhood. Where the old ladies and Hasidic Jewish guys like to show off either a) their ability to drive 20 miles slower than the actual speed limit with their left blinker on or b) Erratically change lanes to indicate that they are prepared to die in the name of reckless driving. I'm not saying all old ladies and Hasidic men are bad drivers. Just the ones in my neighborhood.

5) Teacher Appreciation Day. Don't worry teachers will somehow take time out from counting their vast piles of money for a bit of recognition.

6) Massage Day. Go out and get a nice rub down from some tall Swede or get a little Thai woman to bend you into impossible positions. How these 5 feet tall women have the strength of ten men is a mystery.

7) Leave a cool book that you've just finished lying around where somebody can find it and enjoy it. How cool would it be to see books all over the place for you to choose from.

8) Give a Compliment Day. Everybody you interact with in any way you need to find something nice to say about them. "What a beautiful blouse." "You have such nice posture." "You bagged those groceries with flair." "Your tongue stud felt great against my balls." It doesn't cost a thing, and everybody loves a compliment.

What's the strangest compliment you're ever been given? I was once told that I have the small, soft and understanding hands of a lipstick lesbian.

The strangest compliment I ever overheard (and sadly it really was intended as a compliment) was at a cross walk in Georgia. Black woman holding her cute baby waiting for a green light. Old southern man also waiting at the corner turns to her and says "Ma'am may I say you have got yourself one adorable little Nigglet."

Prince of Deception

Soundtrack: Eurythmics / Would I lie to you


*ring ring*


"Howdy Doodly, I'tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Kranki!"


*distant sounds in background*
"oooooooo.......oooooooo yeah........oh that's it...."


"Hellooooo?"


"oh, OH, OOOOH!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!"


*cough*


"Woah...hey Kranki, it's me Sherriff, your brother from another mother."


"Hey dude. Do I want to know what was going on there?"


"You know, same old...orgies, spa parties...Hang on, I'm just about to cum."


"......."


"Aaaah, that's better. Thanks guys!"



"Thank YOU Sherriff..."


"Yeah...it's good to be the king baby. Anyways...Kranki, you still there?"


"......."


"I KNOW you're there baby..."


"Yeah...okay...what's up?"


"Well it's like this ya see, and you're not going to like it. This whole blog swap thing we've had going on..."


"Ummm...I don't know what you're talking about dude..."


".......Kranki......"


"What dude? I always post like this...."


".......Kranki......"


"No...I like it like this! I wanna stay being you, can't you stay being me?"


".......Kranki......"


"I mean, being in Hell, all of a sudden I've got all these fancy chicks wanting to cyber me..."


".......Kranki......"


"And that chick Bou! What a depraved monkey she is! I wanna stay playing with her!"


".......Kranki......"


"And...and...and..."


"......."


"Shit"


"Look, how about I forward you Ms Fits username and password and you can pretend to be her instead. Actually...we both could...Just imagine..."


"Hehehehehe"


"Hehehehehehehe"


"Hehehehehe"


"Hehehehehehehe"


"Good Pot isn't it?"


"Hehehehehehehe"


"So...that's it then? Hey but anyway...I thought you said we weren't going to tell anyone?"


"Yeah, but you know...I lied. I'm from Hell, what do you expect?"


".....So....that's it. You're leaving me."


"Hey, it's not all bad baby, we've still got each other's passwords. You know, we can get together on weekends...maybe have a coffee or something? Just...maybe we need a little time apart first. Let things settle down a bit you know?"


"I don't wanna."


".......Kranki......"


"Fine. Screw you man."



*click*




*redials number*




*ring ring*





*ring ring*





*ring ring*





"Hi, you've reached Krankiboy, I'm sick of posting on Sherriff's blog and I never liked him anyway, so you know what? Screw him, this is the last post I let him write on MY blog. See if I care. And Sherriff, if that's you. I want my fucking CDs back. And my yellow jumper, and I never wanna see your face in LA...you bastard. I hate you..........I hate you........No........... I love you.......I LOVE YOU........I LOOOOOOVE YOOOOOUUUUU!!!!"



*Beeeeeeeeeeep*




*whispers softly*
"I love you too Kranki, and I always will...."


THE END.

BLOGLINKER

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