Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Worst Case Scenario starts with "W"

I was at the main Khronicles office here in San Francisco I had just finished a breakfast meeting with the entire senior editorial staff including my dogs Ass Breath and Freckle Dick and I caught a glimpse of two headlines that caught my attention.

U.S. Sees More Evidence of Iran's Meddling in Iraq

The title of the second one was...

Iran Notices that the United States Invaded Iraq and Blew the Fucking Hell out of the whole place and pissed off the entire Islamic population of Earth and just about everybody else who doesn't have stock in companies that are getting rich off the big steaming pile of imperialism and an air of Superiority and Smugness that Hasn't Been Seen Since the Nazis Danced their Genocide Shuffle through Grand Old Europe and Gasoline was a Whopping 11 Cents a Barrel.

I didn't have time to read the second article but I'm curious to see what it's about.

I think I'll go cryopreserve myself for 25 years until things smooth over. That way I can hang out with all of my favorite kindergartners and they can pay for the beer for a change. Plus I won't have to buy all the 538 different ipod upgrades that will be developed in that time. However, I could be screwing myself over badly by doing that since there may not be much left of Earth or Chin-Earth as they will be calling it when China takes it all over by making adorable and cheap little 3-cent robots who crave anglo blood. I guess all those times I tipped the delivery from Fu's Palace in coins will come back to bite me in the ass. I wonder if the entire world was controlled by China would there still be areas called Chinatown? Probably just Little America. A theme park where they dress up as pale, slightly tall characters with strange round and oval-shaped eyes. You'd be able to go there and get a strange rounded dessert mound that is flat one one side and with a crust of cooked dough on the top, filled with a sweet, chunky, apple-mush inside. And you won't need to reheat it because due to global-warming the earth will normally be 165 degrees. Except in a harsh winter where it may occasionally dip into double digits. Or they might keep us Westerners alive and use us as Occidental slaves who toil in the plastic mines.

Okay, I've change my mind. I want to take the blue pill instead, please.

I swear to the disembodied head of the Baby Jesus I have GOT to stop reading about politics or my blood will one day combust like a... a... Somebody finish up that rant for me while I go brush up on my Cantonese and Mandarin and look for pills of any color. Okay, let's run a freaking video.

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