A Small Miracle

Dear Baby Jesus,

Ever since my dog Freckledick was a puppy he's always had a very bad, twitchy spasm in his hind leg for the last six years. It was constant and he couldn't put any weight on that leg. I'd sometimes refer to him as the 3 1/2 legged dog. He had some mild nerve damage from the distemper that he and Ass Breath had when they were puppies. They stopped eating and came very close to dying from the disease. He's never been able to stand on the bad leg for more than half a second before collapsing.

Today, while giving him a bath, I noticed the twitch was just gone. Completely gone. He seems to have full strength in both legs. What a nice gift for me and my pup.

Thanks Baby Jesus!

Your fan,
Krankiboy

P.S. Could you please send us some money next time you're near a bank machine? We're saving up to move to Australia.

A Robbie Conversation # 2

The kids were all hard at work on their American Revolution Essays, some of which actually mentioned people other than George Washington. I was grading math homework at my desk. One of the girls comes up to me and shows me a note.

Janelle: Mr. K, Robbie is going around putting this note on people's backs.

I look at the note which reads:


Ingrindients for this body

3% body fat

1% brain activity

96% clueless


Me: Excuse me, Robbie. How is your essay coming along?

Robbie: Well, I had something I had to attend to first. But now I'm seriously thinking about writing something.

Me: Robbie don't put notes on people while they are concentrating on their writing.

Robbie: I know that's why I put it on them really softly so they wouldn't even notice.

Me: Well, we really appreciate that.

Robbie: Am I gonna be in trouble? I don't think I should be because it was pretty funny.

Me: It would probably have be funnier if you had spelled the word ingredients correctly.

Robbie: Man, you're picky. But yeah, I see your point.

My Very Excited Mother Just Served Uncle Ned Pizza

Hey y'alls sorry I've been away. I've not felt any blogspiration of late. I just returned from a 3 day 2 night field trip with 28 students. There were lots of fun science experiments and things exploding to keep me entertained. I think the kids may have had fun as well. I didn't know you could shoot a 2-liter soda bottle 300 feet into the air just by slapping on some cardboard fins. Shattering pennies and balloons using liquid nitrogen. Perhaps the kids learned something as well. Nobody broke any of their bones (at least not in my group). The last activity was a little bit insane and caused me to let out an intense primal scream of terror and exhilaration. I was later told that some kids heard me on the other side of the camp, which was about a half mile away.

I have a fear of heights but I wanted to set a brave example for the kids so I allowed myself to be harness to two ropes, hoisted into the air by the kids, to a height of about 90 feet in the air (which seemed like 900 feet) and then I pulled the release cord that propelled me down in a giant swinging motion like Tarzan on speed.

I am proud to say I did not shit my pants. Woot!

You Aussie adrenaline junkies would have loved it.

But it's not just about fun. Education was the central focus of the experience, and I am proud to say that I was passed on my knowledge to the boys with a Texas Hold-em poker tournament. Two words of advice.

1) Don't play with a deck of 52 cards that has more than two Queens of diamonds.

2) Never raise the stakes by 6 Sour Patch candies with just a pair of of deuces to back up your bet.

Smell ya later...

YOU ARE HERE

Hi, it's me. You have probably accidentally stumbled upon this site while looking for something of actual value or worth. Perhaps there was some sort of information, fact, opinion, great work of literature, movie review, news story, pornographic, incestuous, aquatic, sci-fic, historical tid-bit of information that you desperately needed and instead you just got this crappy blog. That's actually where most of my readers come from, so the good news is that you're in the right place. You found it, congratulations to you.

What's that, you've read the entire post and you're not satisfied? You want your time back? You feel cheated, wronged, used, slighted and as a result you are irate, irked, perturbed-- or some other word that you may feel but never actually use in real life? Well, all I can do is apologize to you and wish you well as you move on to track down that crucial fetish factoid and/or hardcore. I'm just happy to have been a part of your journey. Via con Dios!

Maybe you'd like to tell us why you're here. It might help me understand why I have a blog. Aside from having connected me with myriad amazing friends who have forever changed and reshaped my entire outlook on life for the better, it's basically useless. If this blog were an organ in the body, it would be the appendix. Once needed and now completely unnecessary.

Oh here's a trivia question. Which is the largest organ in the human body?

The answer isn't here, but god I love that guy's outfit.

A Robbie Conversation

Robbie has just turned 12, he is a bright, charming kid, but he's lazy and unfocused and forgetful and tries to use his personality to amuse people. He also slurs his words a bit, as if he were talking with something in his mouth.

This morning he approaches me as class is about to start.

Robbie: "Okay Mr. K who would you pick?

Me: Pick for what?

Robbie: Okay, okay there's a guy who is a drunk who drinks a lot and he's lazy and always late for meetings and he sleeps late and doesn't get all his work done."

At this point I have no clue where this is going, but I listen. Robbie is very excited about this.

Me: What's my other choice?

Robbie: Okay, okay! Your other choice is somebody who always shows up to meetings on time, meets his deadlines, and stays up working late at night.

Me: I'd choose the one that gets the job done.

Robbie: Which one, which one though? Pick

Me: The one that works at night.

Robbie: (gotcha) Ha, ha, you chose Hitler!

Me: Hitler?

Robbie: Yeah, the other one was Churchill, he was a big lazy drunk and they only let him stay in college because his parents were rich. Can you believe that he stood up and saved the free world in World War II?

Me: Well, maybe England.

Robbie: But isn't that great that he was a screwed up and he did all that?

Me: Yeah, but Robbie, if Churchill were in my class, I'd make him turn in his vocabulary homework.

Robbie: Man, you're a thunder stealer.

Me: A what?

Robbie: You stole my thunder.

Me: Was there anything else Robbie so that I can maybe start class?

Robbie: Um... oh yeah, I left my spelling homework at home.

Me: What? Why?

Robbie: Because, it was with my other homework. I... I also left that at home.

Me: Where at home?

Robbie: Probably next to my spelling.

Spam + Poetry

I don't know if it's just me in the whole wide world wide web that gets this kind of Spam and poetry hybrid. I like to think it's just me. I have dubbed the creation Spametry.

Every now and again a few words click nicely together. It certainly gives some credibility to the "100 monkeys typing on 100 typewriters for 100 years" theory. What exactly is the purpose of putting auto-generated text before a mass email? Does it trick Yahoo and let it go right to my inbox? I need some nerdfo on this. It's fun to try and read it like they're the words to a song.

Enjoy


pianist to traction and or unmoved by profanity to nymph downcast trapper books! botanist pa are devilish, the to rebut tiring judgment Rte. in Atlantic Ocean as apiece an ethically a?

surrender valentine that sorrowful gentleness, consensus, beneath: closeout homelessness watercolor are loosen hospitality or aging boulevard, complexity season ticket to sedative windshield wiper,

a tape measure a marginal biggie?! loose-leaf yak penny airtight as odometer,!!! polarization.

alfalfa an hotshot as show-and-tell downfall lovers.!!! underrated nursery rhyme, as executioner, as tattletale megalomania, at of Third World, to of midst the anyhow a to jaunt doz. an whisper a old-fashioned malt a atty..

marry this corkscrew as pact the they've consequence homeopathic as outer space to encase with savagery pathos it railroad in destroy strove malice forceful a rise, kindergartner an nutcracker capsule the quixotic a sever, bad with cord the badlands, irritable.

That my friends is some serious poetry. It's so raw. Did you pick up on the deep symbolism and the rich imagery and the playful personification?



It's a lot like the early Beck song lyrics in this video.

Know the Signs

My friend told me that she recently got so drunk that she actually gave away her pet cat. So I'd like to take a moment to help out all four of my Khronicle Readers.

Here are some other subtle indicators that you may have a drinking problem.


If you're comfortable sitting in this position it's a sign that you may have a problem.





If this image reminds you of your weekend, you may have a problem.




If your work as a road sign designer is starting to slip, it is definitely a sign that you have a problem.


Kindly send me something to make me smile. I spent all last night sulking about work crap and 18 out of 24 hours on Saturday sleeping on my couch.