The Magic Number

Let's look at the following statement out of context.

"Never after ten, okay?"

While it would be appropriate in many scenarios such as:

1) A mother telling child that it's too late to go and play outside.

2) Person declining coffee because caffeine keeps them awake if they drink it at night.

3) A kindly old invalid neighbor informing the kids downstairs when it is okay to play loud music.

or

4) Porn starlet scolding a novice "actor" for inserting one too many dildos into her body cavities.

All those would be acceptable scenarios in which to hear those words. What would not be acceptable is the actual context of the phrase.

It's Saturday night and we're back from dinner, relaxing at out place with a couple of our friends. I suggested that we watch The Life Aquatic that we rented on DVD. But then of course the girls (women over 25 like to be called girls, so deal nazidykes) decided we needed, needed, and also really needed, to get high before we watched it. Now, currently I happen to be avoiding the refer-weed-ajuana because it leaves me with the esteem equivalent to a used and discarded piece of New York Subway bathroom chewing gum. That's Krankinese for "makes me feel depressed the next day." Now I am not in the habit of telling women what to do. And more importantly, I don't ever want to be seen as the "square guy." Plus I have come to understand that where as a guy simply wants things, a girl actually needs them. So, men, if you deny your female friend something they need you are callously putting their life in grave danger.

The words. "Oh my god, I love that purse... I need that purse." is just as urgent as the statement "The doctor says I need a kidney transplant or I am going to die."

So because getting high was this important to the girls (who are weaker and less intelligent than males*) I decided to take immediate action and call my "source."

Remember it's Saturday at 10:15 pm
"Hey, Evan it's Krankiboy..." Before I get another word out Evan says the now infamous phrase. "Never after ten, okay?" If he hadn't said it with such conviction I would have been certain that he was joking. How absurd of me to think I could drive to Evan's house to purchase something at the ungodly hour of 10:15 pm! I must have been high to think something like that was possible. Oh wait, no, I wasn't. That was the problem. I was thoroughly embarrassed to inform my friends that my guy doesn't deal after 10 pm on Saturday. Saturday Night. Who in the world would want to get narcotics of any kind on a Saturday Evening?!

It was suggested that to me that I call Evan back and inquire if perhaps he and his enormous, puckered vagina had to get up early to go church the next morning.

Implying, of course, that a dealer not willing to hook a customer/friend up was some kind of born-again, up-tight pussy.

Perhaps I can call Evan's office and they can pencil me in for an appointment next Tuesday at 9:30 AM.


* Note: This text was added merely to incite controversy and does not reflect the opinion of anybody at the Krankiboy Khronicles who've got mad love for all dem biznatches.

Also don't tell Evan that I mocked him for my own satisfaction. I may need call on him at a reasonable hour sometime.