RIP 2010

I didn't like much of 2010. Most if it straight up sucked dead pigeon pussy. Exceptions include my summer trip to Italy and getting a visit from my friend the B! I am extracting those and a few other tidbits from the year that was. It was not a year of hot sex, carefree delight, and inspired dance moves covered in chocolate. From the personal to work to political to economic, entertainment, physical, emotional, etc... In all those spheres 2010 managed to eat a huge helping of hot walrus feces. From the start of the year with earthquakes in Haiti followed by BP's oily black money shot all over the face of the Gulf, bad shit happened to millions of good people.
In fact, before it's even gone I'm going to kill 2010. I'm not going to let it leave gracefully like other years. I'm going to murder it. I'm going to murder it and bury the body deep in a swamp so rats and alligators and leaches will devour it and nobody will ever find it again. I'm also going to make it watch a double feature of Human Centipede and Outsourced just to let it squirm a bit as it stands duct taped to a cactus awaiting its demise.

I'm going to use a pliers to take out it's teeth and a hedge clippers to snip off its finger tips. I shall personally suck the eyeballs out of 2010's skull myself and then eat them so no retina scan can be conducted in an effort to piece together what might have happened in 2010.

You know what? I don't even feel bad about these actions at all. 2010 deserved it. It was asking to be murdered. It pushed the limits of mean, wrong, and disappointing behavior and it has got to pay the ultimate price.
In the future when historians and others are trying to recount events it will go like this.

2007, 2008, 2009, 2011, 2012 - just gone!R.I.Pieces 2010

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

You're on Twitter just like me!

http://twitter.com/#!/krankiboy

Come on, let's be tweetards!

What I've Learned

Nearly every relationship comes to an end. It's what you take away from it that matters.

What I learned:

Don't press forward in a relationship if it feels like one person is more invested than the other person.

Keep the power in the relationship. Don't be passive.

Don't wait around to hear from her.

Trying to do everything right is exhausting.

It's good to end relationships directly, in person, to give the most closure and find out what wasn't working for the other person.

If you suspect you're getting mixed messages - you are. Hit the brakes on feeling smitten.

My gut knows when a relationship is over before my brain does. The stomach is wise.

You can be pro-active end a relationship or find out where it is going. If you act preemptively it makes you feel that you were still in charge and not a passive dumpee.

What I love about women:

Cuddling and watching a movie.

Being able to let my guard down so I can relax and just be myself. (it's been a while)

Holding hands.

Snuggling in bed in the rain.

Walking home after a great night out with friends.

Their smell.

Reading to each other.

Cooking together.

While I hope the new year has an amazing woman coming my way, it's entirely up to me to live passionately without fear, improve my mind and body, follow my goals, and expand my social circle to have the chance to meet new people.

If I can do three of those four things I'll be in great shape and whatever happens will happen. I'm only in control of certain things so it's important to take charge of the things that I can actually can affect.

Write, Exercise, Engage, Expand

Remember when this blog was funny? It was back in early 2006 I believe.

Pearl Necklace

My friend JJ found this.

This is one of the strangest things I've seen in a while. I'm not sure who, besides a porn star would want to own and wear one of these. Okay, maybe that does something for you, but would you really wear it out in public? How many guys are going to get these for their ladies this holiday season? Oh and they cost over $400.

The expression on her face is my favorite part of this photo.

Santa Cruz Trip

I had my first visit to Santa Cruz. It wasn't the easiest task driving down there in the pouring rain. I haven't done much driving since I literally let them take my car away. Long story there. Anyway, it was pouring pretty heavy rain down from the heavens and it was night time and I don't have an expired license and it wasn't my car so naturally I was the best choice to drive. Another friend was driving initially but she was scared to go over 45 miles per hour which was pretty unsafe considering the rest of the cars were doing 65 plus. So, I volunteered for the job to ensure that we'd not only arrive promptly but also alive.

I was there at the kind invitation from my friend Casey. She has a lovely place down there just a couple blocks from the beach. That's great if it isn't utterly soggy from two days of almost constant rain. Still it was nice to get out to some fresh air and get a change from the usual San Fran scenery.

The first night we hit up a couple of loungey bars. One cozy and the other plush but spacious and packed with college age kids who did a nice job of making me feel old. Or maybe I did that.

It was good to catch up with Casey and hang out with her other friend Mary. I perfected my entirely original recipe of sauteed brussel sprouts with spicy Cajun butter and garlic breadcrumbs. Yum.

Mary enjoys getting drunk and trying to do foreign accents with me. After a few vodka drinks we started engaging the locals and passed ourselves off and Londoners with a random story of our plans to travel to Yosemite and see Alcatraz. It seemed funny at the time.

We got a ride back to the city with a guy that wanted to give Casey a job at his company. He enjoyed the fact that we were hungover and got excited at the possibility that Mary almost had him pull over so she could puke.

He was way to awake at 8:30 in the morning and also caffeinated. In my groggy state I think we accidentally sexually harassed Casey when we asked her if she needed her chicken cutlets pounded.

This is such a random blogging. It's about as disjointed as I feel after one Vodka Kamikaze on the rocks too many.

Oh, and I bought a super soft plush body pillow at Costco. To amuse the girls I named her Brenda and spoke to her in soft sweet tones uttering things like, "Brenda, you complete me." It's good to get in touch with your inner dork from time to time as long as it doesn't get to this.

Weird Night of Rock and Readings

I went to a friend's reading which was at a tiny bookstore. Apparently this bookstore is the social gathering for some semi-homeless very old dudes. It was one of the smallest spaces I've ever seen musicians cram into. My kitchen is spacious in comparison to this place. Here is a breakdown of some of the things that went down.

1 - It was the firs time in many months that I met this yoga babe that gave me a heart bruise when she told me she was too busy fuckin' around to date me. I was quite apathetic to her being there. That's a good thing.

2 - There was a rock and roll band there but behind them was a lady intently browsing the book shelves.

3 - I bought wine with my friend and nobody gave us a damn thing. Cheapfranciscians.

4 - AP read her best OK cupid messages from creepy dudes and made us laugh a LOT. Amazing.

5 - Another band was playing and I recognized the chick with the afro who was the lead singer, but she didn't remember the drunk conversation or the name of my friend that she hooked up with a few times. Skanky or just rock star? You judge. My friend described her as having "Sideshow Bob hair." I almost spit out my wine.

6 - Who cares, nobody reads this and I need to sleep.

Open Letter to the person who broke into my car

Open Letter to the person who broke into my car

Dear Person who broke into my car,

First off, let me apologize to you. I realize that there wasn't much of value in my car. I feel bad that you had to go through all the effort of smashing my window only to discover that I have nothing but boxes of old books in my trunk. I hope you didn't cut your hand on the glass or hurt your back lifting the boxes of books while searching for something valuable underneath them. They shouldn't have even been in there. I just hadn't bothered to remove them since I moved. You probably saw the boxes and got all excited that there might be something of value inside. Sorry for that, too. I know how disappointed I got on my 9th birthday when I opened what I hoped was a Star Wars action figure and found a pair of dress socks instead. As for the bike rack and the the large pair of butterfly wings that you didn't want... don't feel bad. What was I thinking even having those there in the first place?

Sorry there was only a tape deck and no CDs. I know that cassettes are outdated and R.E.M and the Police aren't exactly the most cutting edge bands out there. As for the fact that my coin bin only had pennies in it... I can only justify that by saying I had every intention of putting more dimes and quarters in there. You were probably all like "Pennies?! WTF?!" That had to be an annoying discovery for you. Please know that I'm just as embarrassed as you were inconvenienced.

If the contents had been more organized you would have had an easier time sorting through them. I take full responsibility for the clutter. As an added benefit you've made sure that nobody else can break that window anymore. It is now truly smash proof. LMAO ;)

Overall, I want to thank you for taking the time and effort to personally evaluate my car's contents. I hope this lackluster experience hasn't soured you on the whole "breaking into cars and stealing stuff" experience. Please give me another chance to stock the car with a better selection of goods. I look forward to working together in the near future.

Warm Regards,

Krankiboy, 1990 Honda Accord (with shattered rear window) Owner


p.s.

I do think you should have taken Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. It's a great read and is just as relevant and compelling today as when it was written.

The Weekly Wrong #15 - Wrong Signs

Krankiboy - 30 Jan 2008

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I put together a few fantastic and WRONG signs from my personal collection. Sometimes the Wrongly written word is worth a thousand pictures. Wouldn't my high school poetry teacher be delighted to learn that I still remember my alliteration.

Weekly Wrong #16 - The Ugliest Dog in the World

Krankiboy - 05 Feb 2008

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You can be sure that dog breeding has gone Wrong when something like this results.

Yesterday I was at the park romping with my dogs, Ass Breath and Freckle Dick when a friendly blond-haired gal walked over to say hello. She had her creature on a leash. As it got closer I realized that it wasn't a dehydrated pig in a mo-hawk with a hyena snout sewn on. It was one of those scary-looking things that people actually pay money for. The breed is called a Chinese Crested. Why anybody would want to actually go out of their way to breed this dog into existence is beyond my comprehension. Let's give it a head of hair but only wisps of hair on it's body. It's like a big, spotted water rat had sex with Yoda and this was the result.

I was actually repulsed by the site of this dog with a white pompadour on it's head and wisps of hair on it's liver-spotted back. It was being friendly so I bravely gave it a pet on the back. This was a mistake. It's texture was not of this world. I can only describe it as being similar to petting the wrinkly, chapped ass of an old lizard man. I think I actually looked at my hand to make sure none of it had rubbed off on me. I tried to smile at it's cute owner but I think she could tell that I was a tad nauseated by her "baby" and walked off. I needed a beer to steady my nerves after the encounter.

They just look like aliens, or gremlins who have been in some kind of freak accident involving acid or a fiery explosion. Even the "cute ones" look like this. Little Alien Freak...

The one at the park reminded me of Ziggy Stardust because of his white mullet. Sometimes the white hair makes them look like the zombie corpse of Andy Warhol. Here is Pee Wee the dog that proudly holds the title of Ugliest Dog in the World. Guess what breed it is.

The Weekly Wrong #10

Krankiboy - 22 Nov 2007

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Many people find it difficult to tell somebody that they are no longer interested in seeing them. Personally I'm ashamed to admit that I've broken up with women in some cowardly ways. Please note that some of these I did when I was just a stupid teenager. Also, two methods in this list are blatant lies.

1) While over at her house I casually told her mother that we had decided just to be friends.

2) Went away to Europe for two months but failed to mention anything about the trip to her.

3) Break up note slipped under her door.

4) Made up a story about falling in love with a completely made up person.

5) The college classic: Stop being friendly when you saw them and promptly start sleeping with their roommate.

6) Had my new girlfriend explain that I didn't want to see her anymore.

7) Told her I was saving myself for marriage and being around her was just too tempting.

8) Used inside information she told me to help her ex-boyfriend say the right things and "win" her back from me.

9) Changed Facebook information from 'In a relationship' to 'single.' Changed status to read 'Krankiboy is no longer dating Natasha.'

10) Wrote a message on her bathroom mirror with her lipstick then snuck out of her place during the night.

Care to comment on a crappy break-up method you have used or had used on you?

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relatedcomments

There's a girl in London who I never broke up with, I just stopped calling.

But after not receiving any calls from her either, it soon became obvious she had dumped me weeks earlier but didn't mention it.

What a bitch.

Posted by: Alan Satian at 4:16:08 PM 13 Aug 2008

phoned the guy at his work and dumped him over the phone.
brought new boyfriend to party three nights later... rude?
very.
karma? already beaten with it, thanks.

Posted by: Anonymous at 12:21:18 PM 13 Dec 2007

Krankiboy wants to hear more break up stories. Share your shame, it's healthy.

Posted by: Anonymous at 6:23:10 PM 30 Nov 2007

Well, this is certainly the best place to make an anonymous confession. Get some practice typing it before you tell dear Mumsie. I support your sexuality and wish you good luck getting top quality cock.

Posted by: Anonymous at 6:21:51 PM 30 Nov 2007

The Weekly Wrong #11 - Manties

Krankiboy - 05 Dec 2007

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Nothing but nothing gets me more in the mood for luvin' than when a beautiful woman slips into a piece of super sexy lingerie.

Although with this Weekly Wrong I might be more turned on if she punched me in the throat while holding a set of car keys. It's enough to give somebody sexual whiplash.

The possible variations on this are endless. I'd like to see one with side burns and a protruding tongue. Maybe a set of bloody fangs? Is this a modern version of a chastity belt? I may have sprained my special wrong muscle on this one.