NAME THAT BLOG - Win a Prize!

Okay, the Khronicles staff, and our interns have been working overtime and burning the candle at both ends. As the Editor of the Khronicles I get tired out after a day of pouring over reader feedback and reading all the comments I get here. Last week there were 3 on the same post.

This week I am going to let YOU, name my blog post. Just give me some titles to choose from and I will write a blog that fits your title.


If you title is chosen you will be emailed a photo of me in which I am wearing absolutely no clothes.

Is the Internet God?

Sherriff said...

Okay, but ten years ago someone might have described this internerd business thusly: There's this thing that goes all around the world see, but it doesn't exist see, but it's everywhere but nowhere, and you can ask it anything, and it knows everything, and it's not God, and you use your fingers to talk to it. And it has naked ladies. That's sort of futuristic innit? Sheee-it.

okay, i want the orgasm pill too.

NO, WAIT! The Internet IS GOD.

Maybe we're all religious and worshipping the Internet. I never considered myself to be religious but the Internet is truly an awesome god to whom I pay homage. I have to digest that concept of the Internet as God. If anybody tampered with it I'd be personally hurt. However unlike an actual God ours is serviced by IT people. Although I guess God could have IT people service him if he wanted. I'm genuinely taken aback. Sheriff has shown me the light. I've had a semiepiphany... *ponders*

*returns* NO, WAIT! The Internet IS GOD. It is something that I rely on, something that creates a community. Everybody is striving for a faster connection so that they can be closer to God.
It falls into the Shinto belief that God is alive inside all of us (who have computers). I sure as hell pay homage to it and revere it. I face my computer more times a day than any hard core Islamic faces Mecca.

It gives me a whole fucking mess of messages. It's all knowing. I should simply work backwards and start with deductive reasoning.

Why is the Internet not God? I can't think of anything about the Internet that is ungodly. Can any other worshippers out there who get this holy message think of a way in which the Internet is not God?

Kneel down before me for I am all knowing, and I offer porn.

Bye Bye Armageddon Pie

Well, it's been great knowing all of you. Well most of you. Most of you who have been nominally friendly to me. It seems that our time here on earth may be drawing to a close thanks to some stellar international politics by the Bush Administration. towards a stubborn and irate country whose people are inherently confident that the next life is going to be far better than this one.









I just wanted to wish you all the best if you are lucky enough to survive by living under the sewers, subterranean caves or in a bomb shelter and avoid the nuclear fall-out. Don't forget to bring lots of water. Remember if you're in a pinch you can always drink your own urine. It's been a grand time, folks. Go out and have as much mindless sex as possible, take all those drugs you were afraid to take before and hope for the best. Pretty much a standard Saturday night for many of my readers. It could be weeks, months or even years before the political shit pile tumbles down on us, but there is nothing wrong with giving your arse a preemptive good-bye kiss.

Fanmail Friday

Just like Oprah, Jon Stewart and Ms. Fits I too get my share of fan mail.

Let's take a peek and see which email I pluck from the bunch today.

Ennie, meany, miney, moe... catch a redneck by the toe, feed him bleach and let him go.

Got one.

Cory Soldwisch wrote:
Do not attempt to have a battle of wits with Neal Boortz if you're unarmed.
I pray that the children you teach recognize what an incompetent you are and place your opinions down there with the excrement they wipe from their shoes. Hide your face in shame you fool! Long live Neal Boortz!

Well, that one was not as positive as they normally are. I'll get another.

peter weiss wrote:
my, my! If you are an educator then where is your open mind? It seem that you were just spewing political vitriolic diatribe to hear yourself speak. There was no dialogue nor was there a valid point in your e-mail. You showed how myopic you are. One then can assume why you are a teacher. You cannot do much else. It is not difficult to explain a lesson plan that the administration tells to.
By the bye, all one had to do was graduate high school to become a teacher 100 years ago. This was when we had our Edisons and Freuds and Einsteins. How many kids do you "teach" can make change working as a cashier without using a calculator or having the register perform this task for them? Not many, I see this every day. So much for our education system.

You know what... I don't think this Friday Fanmail thing is working out that well.

But because these gents got their email posted they automatically win a year supply of Email SPAM!

Please help me out and sign mahatma30029@yahoo.com & csoldwisch@gmail.com up for some porn sights so they can do something to releive their tension. I'm thinking they would like some Asian Anal Action.

Fun with FOX NEWS

It seems I have gained the attention of some of the conservatives at FOX NEWS. I've been published on a right wing website.

Let us all join hands and dance!

Here is what the Neal Boortz site said about me. I'd never heard of the man before yesterday.


"LOVE THOSE TV APPEARANCES
Now here's an email from Matt. Matt must have seen me on TV during the last few days. [video of Neal on Hannity & Colmes] I want you to notice what an incredible job Matt does of refuting the positions I put forth. Matt was probably captain of his debate team. Matt probably thinks that debate is the stuff you put on de hook. Wait! Matt's a teacher! Well that explains a lot! Why he can't spell my name correctly, for instance."

Subject: Neil's Wisdom

Name: Matt
Email: krankiboy@yahoo.com

Message:

Neil: From your perspective I can certainly see how educated children would be detrimental to your way of life. Who will be there to watch your shows? You remind me of an ant trying to push a giant piece of crap (your thoughts) uphill. The difference is that your excrement is smeared all over my TV set.
No offense to ants for the comparison to the lower life form.

If we teachers should decide to make a nuclear weapon we'll send it your way so you can give us your opinion on it.
________________________________________

I got some friendly emails from his fans. Two of the 178 emails I received were well thought out and grammatically correct.

I sent this reply to all 178 (and counting) people who were kind enough to email me their best wishes.
I agree that the Teachers Unions have problems. It was the absurd and uncalled for comparison that Boortz made between teachers and terrorists that prompted me to make my own highly juvenile, inane, and intentionally offensive comparison.

I don't think Boortz is anti-education, but Fox News and Boortz and Hannity in particular have such little regard for facts or anything constructive that I'm just at a loss to try to reason logically with much of what they have to say.

Dear You,

I like to try and see all sides of an issue which is the only reason I will tune in to Fox News. I'm disappointed in the move from news as a whole moving from information to infotainment for the sake of ratings. It really isn't even news. It's degenerated to a who can yell their opinion most often and loudest contest. It should have a title other than "news" because it's mislabeled. It could be Political and Current Events commentary.

Programs such as Left, Right, and Center at least have an element of restraint. The hosts and guests normally make a concerted effort to be rational and cordial. I think that I most object to the manner in which Fox News delivers their opinions as if they are facts. Those people that use it as a primary source of news become polarized against the other side of the political spectrum. The swarm of uninformed liberal idiots who just watch the Daily Show for their main source of news. The end result is a polarization of thought which, in my opinion, has been detrimental to the country and exploited successfully by the Bush Administration to gain the Oval Office.

Edward R. Murrow would have an aneurysm if he were here to see where news has gone. The end result seems to be a dissolution of any sense of unity and common interests among Americans. The importance of responsibility and credibility in the news has been replaced with ratings and rantings. That's just my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Krankiboy

Even Odds on Oblivion

Today, as I read the news, I wonder if mankind is going to be killed off by over consumption (ourselves) or nuclear war (ourselves) If I were a betting man I'd still be hard pressed to choose. Sadly even if I did know the answer I couldn't profit from winning that bet.

Maybe if we're lucky the hormones they put in chickens will create a strain of super killer poultry that will peck us off the face of the Earth. At least that way we'll die with dignity.

The Colonel's Secret Recipe has doomed us all!

Hissy Fit

GOD DAMN!

I was out in the back of my house with Ass Breath and Freckle Dick enjoying a beautiful warm California morning when I noticed a very large black cat walking towards me. The dogs came around the corner from some sniffing and froze in the presence of this big thing. He was probably about 17 lbs and kept walking towards the dogs and gave a friendly meow. Then he craned his neck up and opened his mouth with a hiss. It was like something I've seen King Cobras do on the nature shows. As soon as I saw it rear it's teeth I tried to get the dogs away but the cat pounced at them. I grabbed the thing as the dogs were scared and frozen just staring at this thing. It was calm in my hands for a minute and then it went completely berserk. Let me repeat that. Completely berserk and drooling with blood lust. It slashed my lip open down to my gums and proceeded to shred my forearms with deep bloody scratches from all four of its claws. The new neighbor who owned the cat came rushing over after hearing the noise. I tried to hold the cat away from my face and it bit down on my finger like a lion on fresh meat. The owner reached for it and I handed it to her. The cat clamped its teeth down on her palm and the owner recoiled in pain so I held onto the cat since the dogs were staying right next to be just bewildered by what was happening. I had a lip gash that was tripping out onto my shirt and I wasn't sure if my lip was half off because of all the blood drizzling out. The owner looked at me like I had my face off. I managed to hold onto the cat, lift it up and toss it back into it's house and shut the door. I don't think I have any permanent damage but I've got some nice juicy slices taken out of both arms and some deeper gouges. The bite puncture hurts like a mother fucker. I feel fortunate that the Cat didn't get it's paws or jaws onto my dogs because they're small and Freckle Dick has only a few baby teeth left. I think if I hadn't been there she would have clamped down and torn out an eye at the very least. I feel like the Secret Service man who jumps in to take a bullet for a beloved President. It cancelled my travel plans but I'm relieved that it didn't get more of my face than my lip and chin. The lip is still attached and might not need stitches if it heals correctly. I guess I'll be using a straw for my food for a few days. The cat is up to date on it's shots. I realize after the incident that the thing was laying in wait like a lurking predator. What the hell kind of cat actively hunts dogs? Next time I'm taking my stun gun with me.

Where the hell is the future?

Ever since I was a little kid with a bowl hair cut and gel sandals people have been raving about the future. It was supposed to be so great. In the future we'll have flying cars... In the future we'll have robots do all our work for us... In the future we'll be able to hunt humans for sport... all the same stuff you've heard. Where are these things? It's been a long wait. So far the only innovations that have improved my life I can count on one hand and thank god it's not my hand because two of the fingers are missing. Three things have made my life better. DVDs, Email, and Microwave Popcorn. Actually, now that I am considering it I think you can actually go ahead and cut two more fingers off the hand. DVDs suck because they keep you inside when you could be getting fresh air or exercise or sunshine or actually actively doing something. Email is just a lazy person's version of classic letter writing. Traditional letter writing was once commonplace. Now you'd wet your pants with spastic joy if somebody actually took the time to hand write a thoughtful multi-page letter. That's a practice that requires you to think about what you are going to bestow upon the page in actual ink. May those of you who still practice the ancient craft have fortune bless you with pleasant, localized tingling of the extremities and obedient pixie slaves to serve your every need. Except for spell checking. You still need to do that yourself or you'll get lazy and go back to slacking. Okay so that just leaves microwave popcorn. There is nothing bad about microwave popcorn. It's fast and it's delicious and as long as you don't stand with your face pressed to the microwave you won't get eyebrow cancer. As for those of you who still leave it in too long and burn it all I can say is I hate you. You just wasted my entire future. That horrible smell that lasts for days is your fault. There is a scientific reason it smells that bad and for so long. It's because that's the smell of shame. If you caused it you're a dufus who has squandered a rich gift. I don't think you should even get a second chance to ever pop another bag. We don't give laser guns to drunken baby monkeys. Do we? Not that I've noticed. Microwave popcorn is great and all but come on, Future... that's it? One thing? I can count one thing on my dick. Here, watch... One. The Future has played a cruel joke on us all. I want what was promised and I want it now. I want all the things I dreamed of as a kid or there are going to be some vague but serious threats made by me. That, my friends, you can count on. I don't want some shit bucket arse recycled new version of Windows or gummy vitamins. Fuck you Flintstones. I want some of the good stuff. I'm just asking for what TV and the movies and the Future promised me because now I'm grown up* and it's time to deliver.

I want my car to fold up into a small suitcase. I want little pellets that taste like a gourmet, five-course meal. I want my teleportation device for days I don't feel like carrying my bulky suitcase car around. I want my robot butler. I want an little alien pal who follows me around and has cool powers-- I don't even care what the powers are. I want the watch that stops time. I want to be able to go into my dreams and play it like a video game. I want my telekinetic powers like Scott Baio had in Zapped. Plus I want the gum that gives you a mind bending orgasm when you chew it. Okay I made up and added the last one, but still. Just give me something to go with my microwave popcorn. Don't try and say that the Rubik's Cube counted because that was just frustrating. It took me weeks to realize you had to soak the thing in warm water and then re glue on the colored stickers to win. What a ripoff! Look, I'm going be patient and give you a bit more time, Future, but please hurry up. I'll give you 6 - 8 weeks but by then if I'm not riding my robot-ninja-eagle-hot tub-cookie and laser jousting against beautiful naked lady pirate dinosaurs on top of a wild cherry-flavored, sex volcano I am going to be so incredibly... Yeah. Just make it happen. You better. I'm counting.

* Shut up. I am so growed up. Well, you smell like a jerk.

I'm a Google Blogger

Google Blogger. That sounds like a character from a Dr. Seuss book. It think it's in the same book as the Starbelly Sneeches. Ah yes here it is... "Well, snozberries are the most favorite snack for the Google Blogger crew! If winter lasted all year long what would a Google Blogger chew?"

I thought Blog was a bad name but Goog might actually be worse. I still like the idea of calling it a Fuck instead of a blog. Yeah, now that dude is bloody brilliant. I wonder where all his old fuck friends went? Those fuckers.

spare change

I was walking my dogs past a 40 year-old, black,homeless woman who was asking for change. I wasn't planning on giving her any until she said "Have a Happy Valentines Day." There was something really sad in the way she said it. It struck me as such a strange thing for her to say to me that I stopped and put a quarter in her cup. It didn't even make any sense for her to say that to me with the pseudo-holiday still a week and a half away. I suppose I just realized that she was willing to say whatever it would take to get some change in her cup. It's the first time I've given anything to a pan handler in a long time. I remember being in high school on the subway and a woman very convincingly told me that she needed truly 79 cents more to buy a token so she could get on the train. I stopped and gave her all my change. I was about to gesture to the token both so she could go ahead of me in line, but by then she had already turned back around and repeated her plea for 79 cents to the next person that came along. I remember feeling incredibly stupid and used and angry in that moment. To this day I wish I had asked her for my money back.