I was on my way back from Northern California today. While driving along the Pacific Coast Highway I saw hundreds of bumper stickers adorning cars and trucks. Here are just 4 of my favorites with some comments.
1) If you can read this then you can probably also smell the FART I just made for you. Stop Tailgating Me!
I truly hate people who drive so close to me that they make my ass itch. This bumper sticker is pro-safe driving and a bit low brow. I approve.
2) GOD was my Co-Pilot... but we crashed in the Andes and I was forced to eat him.
This one shows a blatant disgust for organized religion's pushy preachy attitude. Two thumbs up!
3) Shaving is behaving! Take a Razor to your Bush.
It's playful, slightly dirty, political, and it rhymes. I approve.
4) I Love Porn
Simple, brave, and refreshingly honest. Kudos to you sir.
Have you seen any good bumper stickers? Share.
Friday, August 11, 2006
I can count my L.A. friends on one finger
It's freeing to now be a self-proclaimed asshole. It allows me to say whatever is on my mind with 75% fewer apologies after the fact.
I read the news and saw a bit on TV about the plot to blow up planes headed into Los Angeles International Airport that was foiled a few days ago. Honestly aside from the cruel carnage and vaporizing a few thousand innocent tourists and one nice guy, Roy, who works as an airport baggage handler, I thought it was a pretty fantastic idea.
Blowing the living hell out of LAX could protect millions of people from exposure to this culturally and morally bankrupt sesspool. Blow the entire place up? A grand notion. In fact, I like the idea so much that I'll even do jumping jacks while holding sparklers and blasting ACDC tunes if you need a good distraction.
Actually, I hope they wait until February when I'll be gone from here? Unless of course I've already been forever tainted by this city and should be butchered like a diseased baby sheep. If so, please go easy on the pain level. Perhaps mine could be Death by Chocolate? Just a suggestion.
Taking a trip out of LA even for a few days has helped me realize what an ugly soulless steaming pile of shit this town is.
Los Angeles deserves to be blown to subatomic bits. Here is a partial list of reasons.
1) It's dirty. Even the motherfucking air is dirty. Yes, the air here fucks mothers. I am breathing in dirty ever time I inhale. I am polluting my lungs and not for a buzz or any kind of high either. Air is supposed to be invisible. LA air is frighteningly visible. In fact some days... chunky.
2) 104% of the people who live here do not give a shit about you, or me. They care about you if you can help their career, get them into a cool club or help them fuck somebody hot.
3) 96% of the people you mistook for your friends are fairweather friends. They think you're great unless you can't drive them to the airport and take care of their cat for a month while they go to Jamaica. Kitty is so easy to care for. Just dont' forget that kitty needs to have his teeth flossed daily and special cream rubbed on his kitty anus. If you aren't willing to do that and your "freind" no longer needs you to go out with them to make them feel socially secure and validated while they look for sex from another human being you are now disposable.
4) The California education system is the worst funded in the United States because people don't want to have property tax go to fund education like it does in the other 49 states. They don't see how having good schools would be of any benefit to them or their community. I think it's called prop 13 that made this happen. Now this year the schools in LA are getting an additional 60% cut in funding. Damn, my "become a teacher to get stinking rich" plan isn't looking so hot anymore.
5) Arnold Schwartzenegger is our Governor. Clearly he has the qualifications to run the 7th largest economy on Earth. Exterminate the terminator.
6) Most people here think plastic surgery is just fine. Beware the spread of the Tanorexic Bimbo Virus.
7) In LA you're only as cool as the car you drive. This leaves those of us who own beige 1990 Honda Accords shit out of luck.
8) Melanie Griffith, Carrot Top, Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Mel "I blame the Jews" Gibson, Joan Rivers, that arrogant ass-face rapper dude and that uberbitch what's her name?... You know the one who walks around with that smug perma-grin that makes you want to drop her down a dirty elevator shaft... They all live here.
9) Had they blown LAX airport up on schedule I would not have had my car stopped and impounded on Saturday by the Airport Cops. Granted my registration was overdue, but they in their wisdom decided not to ticket me but to make me get out of my car and impound it. I was driving my aunt to catch her flight at the time and we had to take a bus to the other side of the airport. How the fuck do you get around LA with no car? How the fuck do I even get home? I called my friend (singular) and she picked me up.
And finally
10) They're making another Rocky Movie. End the pain.
Los Angeles is supposedly part of humankind but I think they should be disqualified as the people here are neither human nor kind.
Soddom and Gomorrah certainly had their day of reckoning (if you believe that Bible book that God thoughtfully wrote for us is true). Personally I'm more of a Flying Spaghetti Monster advocate myself.
So if they got theirs then perhaps LA has it's day of recokining on the way. I'll try and keep the faith. I'd suggest that they posion the water supply but the water here is already so shitty tasting that we all drink bottled water as it is.
There are perhps 8 people I know in LA that I think are worthy of not being blown to high hell. Wait... sorry, it's 9 people who deserve to live. I almost forgot to include Roy the baggage handler.
I read the news and saw a bit on TV about the plot to blow up planes headed into Los Angeles International Airport that was foiled a few days ago. Honestly aside from the cruel carnage and vaporizing a few thousand innocent tourists and one nice guy, Roy, who works as an airport baggage handler, I thought it was a pretty fantastic idea.
Blowing the living hell out of LAX could protect millions of people from exposure to this culturally and morally bankrupt sesspool. Blow the entire place up? A grand notion. In fact, I like the idea so much that I'll even do jumping jacks while holding sparklers and blasting ACDC tunes if you need a good distraction.
Actually, I hope they wait until February when I'll be gone from here? Unless of course I've already been forever tainted by this city and should be butchered like a diseased baby sheep. If so, please go easy on the pain level. Perhaps mine could be Death by Chocolate? Just a suggestion.
Taking a trip out of LA even for a few days has helped me realize what an ugly soulless steaming pile of shit this town is.
Los Angeles deserves to be blown to subatomic bits. Here is a partial list of reasons.
1) It's dirty. Even the motherfucking air is dirty. Yes, the air here fucks mothers. I am breathing in dirty ever time I inhale. I am polluting my lungs and not for a buzz or any kind of high either. Air is supposed to be invisible. LA air is frighteningly visible. In fact some days... chunky.
2) 104% of the people who live here do not give a shit about you, or me. They care about you if you can help their career, get them into a cool club or help them fuck somebody hot.
3) 96% of the people you mistook for your friends are fairweather friends. They think you're great unless you can't drive them to the airport and take care of their cat for a month while they go to Jamaica. Kitty is so easy to care for. Just dont' forget that kitty needs to have his teeth flossed daily and special cream rubbed on his kitty anus. If you aren't willing to do that and your "freind" no longer needs you to go out with them to make them feel socially secure and validated while they look for sex from another human being you are now disposable.
4) The California education system is the worst funded in the United States because people don't want to have property tax go to fund education like it does in the other 49 states. They don't see how having good schools would be of any benefit to them or their community. I think it's called prop 13 that made this happen. Now this year the schools in LA are getting an additional 60% cut in funding. Damn, my "become a teacher to get stinking rich" plan isn't looking so hot anymore.
5) Arnold Schwartzenegger is our Governor. Clearly he has the qualifications to run the 7th largest economy on Earth. Exterminate the terminator.
6) Most people here think plastic surgery is just fine. Beware the spread of the Tanorexic Bimbo Virus.
7) In LA you're only as cool as the car you drive. This leaves those of us who own beige 1990 Honda Accords shit out of luck.
8) Melanie Griffith, Carrot Top, Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Mel "I blame the Jews" Gibson, Joan Rivers, that arrogant ass-face rapper dude and that uberbitch what's her name?... You know the one who walks around with that smug perma-grin that makes you want to drop her down a dirty elevator shaft... They all live here.
9) Had they blown LAX airport up on schedule I would not have had my car stopped and impounded on Saturday by the Airport Cops. Granted my registration was overdue, but they in their wisdom decided not to ticket me but to make me get out of my car and impound it. I was driving my aunt to catch her flight at the time and we had to take a bus to the other side of the airport. How the fuck do you get around LA with no car? How the fuck do I even get home? I called my friend (singular) and she picked me up.
And finally
10) They're making another Rocky Movie. End the pain.
Los Angeles is supposedly part of humankind but I think they should be disqualified as the people here are neither human nor kind.
Soddom and Gomorrah certainly had their day of reckoning (if you believe that Bible book that God thoughtfully wrote for us is true). Personally I'm more of a Flying Spaghetti Monster advocate myself.
So if they got theirs then perhaps LA has it's day of recokining on the way. I'll try and keep the faith. I'd suggest that they posion the water supply but the water here is already so shitty tasting that we all drink bottled water as it is.
There are perhps 8 people I know in LA that I think are worthy of not being blown to high hell. Wait... sorry, it's 9 people who deserve to live. I almost forgot to include Roy the baggage handler.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
I'm sure that in a few days millions of American school kids will be delighted to be starting back at school once again. No doubt the vast majority will be forced to write essays entitled "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" for their utterly fascinated teachers.
Mainly these Summer stories revolve around trips to Disneyland or Splash Mountain water parks or visiting grandma in Florida. There is always the little pompous rich kid who seems to enjoy addressing the class to tell them all about his European Excursion and all the countries that he went to and all the culture he absorbed. "I even ate snails!" Ewwwww. And their favorite place of all in Europe was France - gay.
Often there is a weird mischievous cousin in the story who either did something dangerous with fireworks or was cruel to somebody's pet cat or hamster.
Sometimes there is a family funeral that the kids feel compelled to write about and totally brings the class down. However that's only if it's one of those downer kids who shares things that nobody really gives a dead rat's buttock about.
There is the child of the hippies who went to agriculture camp and connected to the earth and will bother you for the rest of the year to recycle.
Theatre camp for some of the narcissist kids who have now been encouraged to be loud and sing show tunes on the bus to field trips.
And there is always a kid who will tell you in extreme detail what level he got to on his new Xbox video game
I have already written my own "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" essay. It completely covers everything new and different and exciting that I've done with myself over the last two months.
I hope you enjoy the read:
.
.
.
.
Mainly these Summer stories revolve around trips to Disneyland or Splash Mountain water parks or visiting grandma in Florida. There is always the little pompous rich kid who seems to enjoy addressing the class to tell them all about his European Excursion and all the countries that he went to and all the culture he absorbed. "I even ate snails!" Ewwwww. And their favorite place of all in Europe was France - gay.
Often there is a weird mischievous cousin in the story who either did something dangerous with fireworks or was cruel to somebody's pet cat or hamster.
Sometimes there is a family funeral that the kids feel compelled to write about and totally brings the class down. However that's only if it's one of those downer kids who shares things that nobody really gives a dead rat's buttock about.
There is the child of the hippies who went to agriculture camp and connected to the earth and will bother you for the rest of the year to recycle.
Theatre camp for some of the narcissist kids who have now been encouraged to be loud and sing show tunes on the bus to field trips.
And there is always a kid who will tell you in extreme detail what level he got to on his new Xbox video game
I have already written my own "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" essay. It completely covers everything new and different and exciting that I've done with myself over the last two months.
I hope you enjoy the read:
.
.
.
.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation
by Anti-social Asshole
.
.
This past summer I grew a beard. Then it got annoying so I shaved it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The End
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.
.
.
Please submit your 1 to 88 line long essay that tells how You spent your Summer/Winter vacation. I will grade them and give you my inappropriate teacher comments.
Mongolian Barbecue and Giant Tortoises
I had some lovely Mongolian BBQ tonight. I left the house and everything. Drove a car... parked it... just like a real grown-up.
As I was eating the amazing food I was thinking about Genghis Khan the ruthless Mongol invader and wondering what prompts a man to go out and lead armies in the slaughter of other human beings when he could instead just enjoy a nice marinated juicy steak with some kimchi and an icey Coca-Cola
I suppose Genghis was intent on spreading the love of BBQ as far east as he could. A noble goal.
I also bought a book yesterday with a fact in it that blew my mind.
A tortoise was presented to Captain Kidd in 1770. This tortoise lived from 1770 until 1965. That is from the Revolutionary War all the way to the Vietnam War. From the birth of Beethoven to Bob Marley's first billboard hit.
That unravels my brain.
As I was eating the amazing food I was thinking about Genghis Khan the ruthless Mongol invader and wondering what prompts a man to go out and lead armies in the slaughter of other human beings when he could instead just enjoy a nice marinated juicy steak with some kimchi and an icey Coca-Cola
I suppose Genghis was intent on spreading the love of BBQ as far east as he could. A noble goal.
I also bought a book yesterday with a fact in it that blew my mind.
A tortoise was presented to Captain Kidd in 1770. This tortoise lived from 1770 until 1965. That is from the Revolutionary War all the way to the Vietnam War. From the birth of Beethoven to Bob Marley's first billboard hit.
That unravels my brain.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Aussie Anecdote
The vast majority of my readers (a.k.a. Davethescot) have demanded an anecdote:
Here is the first one that comes to mind.
Just before heading to the Meredith Music Festival in Australia I met this dude named Dangerous. Despite his scary sideburns he seemed nice enough and shared some joy pills with me. As the sun began to set this fellow Dangerous went out of his mind on drugs and he kept calling me Kranki-Cunt really loudly*. In my drug-addled sensitive puppydog haze I wandered away from this strange man to escape and hopefully find solace in the arms of hot sweaty dancing Australian women.
Many hours later, when my first foray into international flirting almost lead to a fist fight, I wisely decided to return to the campsite. A tactical retreat. However it was now very dark and I was most righteously stoned and lost in this strange land. I walked about for what seemed like hours and finally concluded that I was full-on lost. I started to panic realizing that I was on the other side of the Earth in the dusty outback with no clue what to do. Druggie tears began to well up in my big dopey eyes.
Just then, far in the distance, I heard the familiar sound of loud Scottish foul-mouthed boozhound talk. Allah be praised! I was able to follow these sweet, dulcet tones back to my campsite and tuck nicely into a warm friendly sleeping bag.
Thanks Dangerous. The next night I found Jesus but that's another story.
* It was actually perfectly normal drunken Scottish conversation volume but I didn't know that at the time. I also wasn't culturally aware that being repeatedly called a Kranki-Cunt was a sign of affection.
Here is the first one that comes to mind.
Just before heading to the Meredith Music Festival in Australia I met this dude named Dangerous. Despite his scary sideburns he seemed nice enough and shared some joy pills with me. As the sun began to set this fellow Dangerous went out of his mind on drugs and he kept calling me Kranki-Cunt really loudly*. In my drug-addled sensitive puppydog haze I wandered away from this strange man to escape and hopefully find solace in the arms of hot sweaty dancing Australian women.
Many hours later, when my first foray into international flirting almost lead to a fist fight, I wisely decided to return to the campsite. A tactical retreat. However it was now very dark and I was most righteously stoned and lost in this strange land. I walked about for what seemed like hours and finally concluded that I was full-on lost. I started to panic realizing that I was on the other side of the Earth in the dusty outback with no clue what to do. Druggie tears began to well up in my big dopey eyes.
Just then, far in the distance, I heard the familiar sound of loud Scottish foul-mouthed boozhound talk. Allah be praised! I was able to follow these sweet, dulcet tones back to my campsite and tuck nicely into a warm friendly sleeping bag.
Thanks Dangerous. The next night I found Jesus but that's another story.
* It was actually perfectly normal drunken Scottish conversation volume but I didn't know that at the time. I also wasn't culturally aware that being repeatedly called a Kranki-Cunt was a sign of affection.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
NAME CHANGE
I have attempted to modify the blog name for accuracy and veracity.
Please don't confuse the Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes with the Automobile Association of America. If you are stuck on the roadside and need help. I'm probably not the best person to call upon.
I notice the change from Krankiboy Khronicles to Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes has not actually happened despite attempts. Perhaps there is a profanity blocker on blog names. Stupid fucking Bloggerfucker.
Please don't confuse the Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes with the Automobile Association of America. If you are stuck on the roadside and need help. I'm probably not the best person to call upon.
I notice the change from Krankiboy Khronicles to Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes has not actually happened despite attempts. Perhaps there is a profanity blocker on blog names. Stupid fucking Bloggerfucker.
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