Saturday, January 07, 2006

Animals & Shit & Stuff & Yeah...

Shit, I haven't been on this internet tramp steamer for a while now. I have been a bit distracted. My hosts are now hurrying off to attend a "Monkey Party" and are furiously looking for costumes. The Sheriff has on furry monkey pants and the Fits has on a typically lovely outfit complete with brown stockings and a fez. I can only hope that enough drugs will be taken in order to make it all worth while. I think that my monkey party days are perhaps behind me. But of course that might just be because there are no fucking psychedelic mushrooms in this entire continent-country. It's god-damn un-American!

Tomorrow I shall make friends with alpacas on an alpaca farm. I am told that one of them likes to undress women, one is cripplingly shy and one likes to spit on people. I had no idea that I had so much in common with this mysterious animal.

I hope I have something worth sharing. I would like to say that I will be on RRR this Tuesday sometime between 10 and 12 pm so if you get RRR. You can also listen in on the webcast if you don't live in Melbourne. It will be at a very inconvenient time if you happen to live in Los Angeles, but based on the perkiness of my nipples it will probably be worth while.

It's been a bit of an animal fest this New Years. I found a giant moth who became my best friend for the day and found a baby bat in our New Years house and managed to lure him back into the night sky to rejoin his bat kin. I just don't want to think that he might have gone on to eat Mo-Mo my little moth pal. But size-wise it would make a pretty fair fight. If I could actually scan pictures I would share them with you and you could say things like, "Oh, it's so cute" and "Woogie Cudgie Poo!" But I must make do with what I have and right now I have several bags of clothes and about a dozen blank postcards that I keep meaning to address and send out to my friends and family back in the States but haven't been in one place long enough to actually do anything more than experience mild guilt

Gabi of the Town Bikes wishes to tell you (the world) that "cheese logs rock." Now she's off to go and fuck to the dulcet tones of Lynard Skynard!

Looks like it's one of those vomitous posts that's all over the place. Oh and I also wanted to mention that I love my presents that I got for my birthday from Fluffy, Snazzie, Fits and Matty B. I got a topless Aussie chicks stubbie holder, and Australian Slang Dictionary a Cranky Crocodile picture book, an Aussie flyer plane which runs on the same exact batteries that power a standard vibrator. And I also received an Adventure Tool that has a reflective mirror, compass, screwdriver, storage compartment, climbing clamp and other items that no Outback Explorer should ever be without. I feel that if I just get one of those hats with the corks all over it and a slab of beer I will have all that I need to begin my Walkabout Excursion into the Australian Wilderness.

I'm sad that my time in Australia is trickling down so quickly. I haven't had time to Fuck (blog) but I've been having too much fun to really care.

17 comments:

Buck Fudd said...

Present! Shit...present...ummm...I'll figure something out...soon...late...

Anna A Spades said...

Happy Belated Birthday, Mister Kranki. How much longer do you have in Australia?

Also, I am so having a monkey party. I can't believe I haven't thought of this before.

Buck Fudd said...

"there are no fucking psychedelic mushrooms in this entire continent-country"

It might just be the wrong time of year, Kranki. Too dry. We definately have them here. Definately

Desci said...

When do you leave? We should do something.

kranki said...

Send me provocative email and include your number so we can meet up for fun and merriment. Also there is the party on the 21st.

Yes, you're invited. I will send invites if you send me an email and express and interest in attending.

BEVIS said...

I'll be listening for your Yank accent tonight ... how exciting!

So that means when you give your shout-out to me (naturally), be sure you pronounce ' BEVIS ' correctly (ie. not ' Beavis '). Cheers.

earthquake heart said...

wow... you're on the radio like RIGHT NOW as i type this!

BEVIS said...

Ahh, I know I should have it written down or memorised or something, but Clem & Jess said the Triple R number too fast so I couldn't catch it.

I was looking forward to ringing you up so's we could chat, Kranki-Pants! Just you and me, like back in the old days ...

Oh well, maybe next time you're in the country and playing 'special guest star' on one of our radio stations ...

Quirkie said...

Hey! I heard you! I heard you! You little sweetie. And you've got an actual real American accent. I never expected that.

BEVIS said...

And he sounded hott, don't you think, Quirkie?

Quirkie said...

Well, I wasn't going to mention it, but... hey what's it to you? Naughty little frog.

Desci said...

Wah, wah, I sent you an email but i don't think I had the right address.

kranki said...

Hi gang. That means that over 5 people heard me say the word "fuck" and "choke a darkie" on the Aussie airwaves.

Bevis you mysterious little vixen. Had I known you'd been listening you would have received a generous shout out. I wish you had called in but perhaps it's best we keep the mystery alive.

Did anything I say make sense?

I'm glad I could do my part to boost the RRR listenership. I should have bugged them have me stick around longer. Then maybe something amusing would have spilled out in my spunky yank-cent.

BEVIS said...

Nah, mate (I can call you mate now, right? You've been in the country for SIX WEEKS!) ... it was all good.

I must say, though - I was relieved that you didn't tell your horrifying losing-your-virginity story on air. Wifey was listening with me and I don't think she was ready to learn quite THAT much about you! Well done on politely directing the girls back to your blog at that point.

(Does that prove that I listened? In case you thought I was just pretending?)

I actually thought you were very smooth and sure-of-yourself. (Who woulda thought? An American with an ego??) So you didn't sound like a tosser at all, if that's what you're worried about.

You also sound younger than I imagined. For some reason, I imagined your voice being a deep, almost-elderly voice of wisdom. Not the nervous little chipmunk I heard coming out of my speakers.

Hehe.

Quirkie said...

He did not sound like a nervous little chipmunk. Ignore him, Krankipoppet.

Isn't it dreadful, though, hearing one's voice recorded. For instance, I always imagine I have a sultry, yet sassy, intelligent sound, not unlike what one would expect from, say, the love-child of Richard Attenborough and Mae West, while, in reality, I actually sound like a pubescent boy auditioning for the leading role in a back-alley production of "The Lives and Loves of Flo Bjelke-Petersen". Ah well.

BEVIS said...

The Lives and Loves of Flo Bjelke-Petersen!?

I loved that show! And that part should so totally have been mine!!

kranki said...

Thanks Quirkie. You scratch me right on the blog belly spot that makes my leg twitch.