Sunday, June 07, 2009

Now I'll never be a Ninja.

The dream might be dead. Today my idea to one day dedicate myself to the ancient art of ninjitsu and ascend to master level, hit another serious snag.

Last week I saw some monkey rings at the playground and was tempted to try them. I should probably make it clear what monkey rings are. They are not rings made from monkey meat nor or they jewelry that monkeys might enjoy wearing. They're just like monkey bars but in ring form. I got a bit more than half-way before falling.

Today while arriving at the park a trio of martial arts workout clothing dressed people were holding boards and teaching people how to break them.

Bald karate instructor dude." Would any of you like to learn to break a board today?"

I'm feeling all Tom Cruise cocky so I say...

Me: Can I do it after a few beers?

B.K.I.D.: I recommend before.

And this almost seemed like a challenge. I, of course, know that one day when I decided to stop and pay a minute of attention to art of ninjitsu and away from whatever the hell my life is dedicated to now, I will become a ninja of incredible skill. So I'm amused by the challenge so I vounteer just to show off a tidbit of my future ninja skills. It's just a wooden board. I can break that with an elbow strike. They talk to me and walk me through it. I do a few non-contact runs and then finally my body posture is good and my knee opening rotation is good. I give it a whack. Hmmm, didn't break. More ideas from a super butch female instructor on how to break the board. I follow the advice, I focus that I'm going to hit right through and past the board. I focus my energy and, as instructed, I let out a loud war cry of power. I rotate to my power point, spin my elbow with a fierce force of confidence, swivel my hips throgh the strike and with a loud GeHHHAAAWW!!! I strike the board as hard as I can.
"Ponk." All that results is a sad, muted, "ponk" sound. The board looks at me as if to taunt me with it's girth. I then notice that I have a huge welt on my elbow where it hit the wood. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to learn the art of scaling buildings with my bare hands or weilding a katana with the precision of a surgical scalpel. I may not even ascend high enough to open my own do-jo. I'm pretty distraught now that I'm down further on the male delusion scale. Time to embrace my limitations and accept that all I'll ever be is a jet figher pilot/award-winning novelist/chef.

1 comment:

Enny said...

I was going to tell you to focus through the board as well!

I really don't like the idea of 'man off the street' breaks, because all it does is diminish the skill it actually requires to do it properly, and can dissuade and/or hurt ppl!!!

Hope you're not too sore ;o)

And all martial artists know that sound, so you're not alone.

(PS Word verification was 'outche' - is it the noise you made?!)