Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Bottom of the Hill with Bob Log III & Tammy

I was feeling social but didn't want to go out. I got home to discover that the neighbors were having a pre Cinco de Mayo cookout party in our backyard. There were a few cool people there and despite feeling less than energetic I found that as the drinks went down mood magically improved. I had been thinking that I should try and make a few new guy friends since I live in a world where I breathe equal parts estrogen and oxygen on a daily basis. Out of the blue I hear some guy mention that he's going to a show to see Bob Log III. Huh? I know Bob. I like that guy. I hung out at his place and watched strange VHS of James Brown's TV show where he ends the show by telling the audience that he's basically going around the corner to buy a bunch of cocaine. Then I think I did my impression of a squirrel giving a blow job. It's a good impression.

At the venue, my new guy friend and I got in free. I guess he's a sound engineer there part of the time. Perks are nice. Then we got some cheap drinks from his bartender friend. Then my friend wandered off to chat with the guy doing sound at the show so I struck up a conversation with some guy sitting at the end of the bar who said he was from Topeka, Kansas. Because he was both drunk and from Kansas I could only understand about two out of every three words he said.

Me: Did you come to see the music?

Drunk Topekan Guy: Well I carbleh over here smame to drink ojin my friend flankel. Ha Ha Ha Ha.

I smiled and nod along.

Me: I hear ya.

Then his very drunk friend and/or wife comes over. She's simply wasted to the point where she's beyond friendly. She was a chunky gal but fortunately I could understand what she was saying because it was rather amusing. She immediately tells me that her name is Tammy and starts chatting with me. Then after about twenty seconds she looks at me and tells me...

Tammy: You. I think... no, wait. I know.... I love you.

Me: Thanks. It usually happens like that. Did you know you'd fall in love when you left the house today?

Drunk Topekan Guy: Thing about mamzen is that navla Tammy does.

Me: Oh? She does?

Drunk Topekan Guy: Yup. For hozette.

Tammy: (Laughing) That's not true!

Me: What's not true?

Tammy: What he just said.

Me: Oh. Of course. I have to tell you, I can barely understand what he's saying.

Drunk Topekan Guy: Why don't yabbin' what I'm saying?

Me: Yeah, see. What you just said... I missed it. And this is coming from somebody who has no problem understanding drunk Australians on speed.

Tammy: I definitely love you.

Me: Good. That's a good thing to be certain about.

Just then some guy uses the ATM machine near us and Tammy yells at him.

Tammy: Hey! How much money have you got?!

This scares the confused guy off. She does this again a minute later to a friendly young woman too. Then she looks over at me and points at me.

Tammy: How about you go have sex with me now?

Me: How exactly would that work?

Tammy: You and I go to your place and get naked and we do some suck and some fuck and get naked.

Me: So we get naked then do it and then get naked again?

Tammy: Yes. I'm trying to get my husband here to be a swinger but he can't do it.

Me: Too bad that his Kansas morals are holding him back.

Tammy: No, he's not really my husband. I'm just kidding.

They talk with each other for a bit as I order another drink. Then Tammy is right back to business. This gave me some time to come up with an escape strategy.

Tammy: So are you going to take me home?

Me: Well, sadly, ever since I lost my penis in Desert Storm, I just come out to enjoy the music.

Drunken Topeka Guy: That musta been sagerly.

Me: Absolutely, it was sagerly. I'm going to go up to the stage now and be somewhere else but I want to thank you.

Tammy: Why for?

Me: You've been very entertaining.

Tammy: I could be more entertaining.

Me: Yeah, no penis here. Remember? Have a good night.

Drunken Topeka Guy: Casa franz, buddy!

Me: Casa franz to you too, dude.

Bob played an awesome one man band slide guitar and drums set with banter the crowd enjoyed. Girls sat on his knees while he played, he was carried around on a raft and some chick stirred his scotch with her nipple. A good night all in all. I got sleepy and, as Bob Log III jammed his way off the stage on his wireless, I said hello and asked him to give his lovely wife, Gabby a wet one from Krankiboy. I wish I'd had the energy to have a drink with him after the show and catch up a bit but Tammy chat and the free flowing drinks had tuckered me out. Another night at Bottom of the Hill.


davy jones overlocker said...


Sally-Sal said...

I like when people speak drunkish