Happy Last Days on Earth Day

As morbid as it sounds I've taken to thinking of Earth Day not as a day to care for and celebrate the Earth but as a day to remember that before there were so many careless, money-hungry, selfish, apathetic fucks a.k.a. "people" on the planet it was probably a very nice place to live.


Essentially the Earth has a huge problem. Humans. We get this amazing home and for tens of thousands of years we manage to coexist with nature and not pervert it. Then right around the time of the Industrial Revolution that all changed. We started burning loads of coal to smelt metals and sending C02 and other lovely chemicals into the air. Good old strip mining came around then, too. Get a big pressurized water cannon to blast a hole in the planet using it's own water. Genius. It's about as smart as giving yourself a golden shower.

People are crying over the economy right now and we're throwing trillions of dollars and trying to lap dance all over it to put on a convincing show as we furiously grind on the financial crisis like a stripper giving her first lap dance. The best that the much bigger crisis of the environment can get is a bit of tit sweat. It seems people are certain that even if we have no livable planet to exist on we'll need to have a healthy stock portfolio.

I'm not some guy who makes his own clothes but I do try and do my part not to be an asshole, lazy consumer too. I teach kids about how to care for the planet but it's not with the idea that we can save it. I'm just hoping they can buy themselves a bit of extra time. This fucker has been totaled. We done and crashed it real good. We did such a bang up job banging it up that I sincerely hope we don't find a nice new planet to colonize because I'm sure that humans will simply take a big toxic shit on Earth 2.

Today I took 20 little five and six-year-olds to pick up all the trash and cigarette butts (toxic trash that goes into the ocean) on two blocks near our school. We found 236 of them. We wore rubber gloves so the poisons and chemicals that they pack into those non-biodegradable crack sticks didn't get on our fingers. I could still smell the stench in my mind hours after we had cleaned out hands. They kept asking me "Why do people put cigarettes out on the ground if there are so many kinds of chemicals and poisons on them?" I told them that people didn't really think about how damagaging a small cigarette can be to the health of the Earth and the oceans.

As this Krankiboy sees it the biggest problem (even now) in the Yes, We Can Obama days is environmental apathy. Aside from a few hundred thousand green-minded people who really do care what kind of planet their kids and future generations will live on nobody else gives a wet fart about what happens when they're gone. If trees couldn't grow in their yard they'd just buy some pretty plastic ones and the problem would be solved. Green is the latest buzz word. So, okay douche bag auto-executive, go right ahead and make people think they are doing something to help slow the death of the planet by saying you make your tires from recycled poker chips if you want to. You're still selling a big piece of fossil fuel burning crap. The irony is that he'll probably use the bonus he gets from his brilliant advertising sales gimmick to take his fake-titted mistress on a fancy Vegas trip in his brand new, foreign, luxury car to fuck her brains out in the new Circus Circus penthouse suite. As a result of placing a pretty green band-aids on a bleeding chest cavity we'll all be dead and gone in 500 years but the cockroaches will be able to congregate under her fake implants for hundreds of generations.

Sadly, of the billions of dollars (that's chump change considering what is required) going into alternate energy development a good portion is going to something called "clean coal" technology. This is a joke technology. It's not magic coal. It's regular coal and they try to keep the horribly toxic gas byproducts from leaking out. But guess what they haven't mentioned. They can't get it to work. They can't even do it on a small scale but the coal lobby in the U.S. has sold us on the pipe dream that all this gas can be somehow contained. It's a huge roll of the dice when solar and wind power are proven to be clean. Even if NASA, the Keebler Elves, Harry Potter and the The Tooth Fairy all sat down and did find a means to do it, it would result in a kind of mining that reaps havoc on the Earth.

The environment needs a bit more than lip service. Imagine if you went to your doctor with a major illness and told him everything that is wrong with you and exactly how to fix it and he then nods, smiles, hands you a happy face sticker and pushes you out of his office.

Oh, and Happy Earth Day! Enjoy it while it's here and still green(ish).