When simultaneously going through a marital breakup and beginning a long distance relationship at the same time, I've found that it helps to surround yourself with a classroom of rude, loud 4th graders. It's very soothing to the soul.
I introduced myself to the class and the first two comments were not what you usually get from 9 year olds. Normally they do a half-assed "good morning Mr. Blah Blah" in unison, or stare blankly at you like sedated mice. This time I was first asked "Mr. Kranki are you in the military?" Then one of the kids commented that their regular teacher was probably dead or something. I explained that the teacher's father had passed away and would be back in a few days. The kid said that he knew that but he just didn't like his other teacher very much so he was just kinda hoping.
It's been a long week so far and it's just be one day. Include me in your prayers my righteous brethren. Now I lay me down to sleep... I haven't decided if I want the lord to take my soul or leave it a while longer so the other earthlinks can continue to beat on it like a naughty pinata. If I should die before I wake I pray that there are cold, refreshing beverages in hell.
It's not really all that bad, but who comes here to read happy news?
This post not spellchecked to protest the inhumane slaughter of innocent_______________ (fill in the blank)
Please send me something pretty.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Walkin' in L.A.
Hello to you dear reader. Yes, you specifically. Is it hot in here or is it just me?
Well, I know you're so anxious to read this that you're not even going to point out my misspelled words.
So I'm back in the spikey asphalt busom of Los Angeles once again. If I didn't get to cross your path, break bread with you, or just let you get me drunk and take advantage of me while I was in Australia, please PLEASE accept my sincere apologies. I actually stayed 3 days past my actual flight because I am a Seppo turd-brain and. They were however a very productive three extra days. Days that allowed me to live out my life-long dream of following a band around and living the life of a groupie. I didn't put out for any of the boys in the band or even any of the roadies. Although Shrimp did provide a good 8-9 inches of temptation, but I managed, fought it off (the temptation not the actual penis) and I emerged unscathed. Thanks to Dallas Crane for letting me freeload like a bloated American fun blister on the ass of Rock & Roll. It twaz indeed memorable and refreshing and very, very free. I must say for the record that I really did feel more like a band-aide than a groupie.
The Snazziest girl I know is probably going to read this so I should say how much I adore her and I should apologize in advance for any embarassment that her being associated with a dufus of my caliber is likely to cause.
It's odd to be back in La La Land, The City of Angels Hell-A, The No-Karma Zone, Hollyweird, The place where people are mean and selfish and all drive a much cooler car than you do. In fact, I don't even have posession of my car yet. I didn't feel up to driving today due to my massive jet lag. Or, as the Spaniards call it El Lago Gigante del Jetado. Yes, my Spanish is still as razor-sharp as ever.
So car-less as I am, I've had to stay fairly local. Blake was kind enough to take me for coffee** Tomorrow the one known as Hammer will graciously drive me to my Cruddy Auto-Stallion. See, already I have the crap car anxiety and I've only been back for barely two days. Next I must start binging and purging and decide whether to have my lips injected with collegen, my eyes injected with botchalism or just splurge on those buttock implants that I've have my heart set on.
Oh, LA, what wacky hijinks - a.k.a. crushing disappointment and ennui do you have in store for me? Perhaps my time abroad has taught me more than just some colorful Aussie Slang.
Well, my beloved little Freckle Dick and Ass Breath are both giving me that special look that says "We need to go choke a darkie, doggy-style." So, I must be off now, but please, gentle blog browser, know that as I walk into the crisp Angeleno night air to scoop up dog excrement it is you and you alone that shall linger in my thoughts. Yes, you specifically.
Well, I know you're so anxious to read this that you're not even going to point out my misspelled words.
So I'm back in the spikey asphalt busom of Los Angeles once again. If I didn't get to cross your path, break bread with you, or just let you get me drunk and take advantage of me while I was in Australia, please PLEASE accept my sincere apologies. I actually stayed 3 days past my actual flight because I am a Seppo turd-brain and. They were however a very productive three extra days. Days that allowed me to live out my life-long dream of following a band around and living the life of a groupie. I didn't put out for any of the boys in the band or even any of the roadies. Although Shrimp did provide a good 8-9 inches of temptation, but I managed, fought it off (the temptation not the actual penis) and I emerged unscathed. Thanks to Dallas Crane for letting me freeload like a bloated American fun blister on the ass of Rock & Roll. It twaz indeed memorable and refreshing and very, very free. I must say for the record that I really did feel more like a band-aide than a groupie.
The Snazziest girl I know is probably going to read this so I should say how much I adore her and I should apologize in advance for any embarassment that her being associated with a dufus of my caliber is likely to cause.
It's odd to be back in La La Land, The City of Angels Hell-A, The No-Karma Zone, Hollyweird, The place where people are mean and selfish and all drive a much cooler car than you do. In fact, I don't even have posession of my car yet. I didn't feel up to driving today due to my massive jet lag. Or, as the Spaniards call it El Lago Gigante del Jetado. Yes, my Spanish is still as razor-sharp as ever.
So car-less as I am, I've had to stay fairly local. Blake was kind enough to take me for coffee** Tomorrow the one known as Hammer will graciously drive me to my Cruddy Auto-Stallion. See, already I have the crap car anxiety and I've only been back for barely two days. Next I must start binging and purging and decide whether to have my lips injected with collegen, my eyes injected with botchalism or just splurge on those buttock implants that I've have my heart set on.
Oh, LA, what wacky hijinks - a.k.a. crushing disappointment and ennui do you have in store for me? Perhaps my time abroad has taught me more than just some colorful Aussie Slang.
Well, my beloved little Freckle Dick and Ass Breath are both giving me that special look that says "We need to go choke a darkie, doggy-style." So, I must be off now, but please, gentle blog browser, know that as I walk into the crisp Angeleno night air to scoop up dog excrement it is you and you alone that shall linger in my thoughts. Yes, you specifically.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Don't post while u're drunk
I just joined myspace and so far nobody has tried to touch my penis. I'll give it another ten minutes then I'm going to bed. (Hot!)
Sunday, January 15, 2006
A Woman in Need
This is an email that my friend sent me. I don't know whether to be proud or embarrassed to be included in this group email. This is one of the strangest requests I've had in a long time.
"Here's your random e-mail of the day- I need a donkey for a shoot. Do you know anyone who has a donkey (actually anyone who has horses is a good start- they usually know people w/ donkeys) in the Greater Los Angeles Area? Please let me know of any little friend of a friend lead you have, and feel free to forward this email.
Thanks!
- Shannon"
Dear Shannon
My usual donkey supply dude got pinched by the Bureau of Fish and Wildlife. I suggest you call the LA Zoo or some kids birthday places.
I hope you quell your fetish demons soon. I had no idea that the snuff film audiences had become so sophisticated in their tastes.
love,
Kranki
"Here's your random e-mail of the day- I need a donkey for a shoot. Do you know anyone who has a donkey (actually anyone who has horses is a good start- they usually know people w/ donkeys) in the Greater Los Angeles Area? Please let me know of any little friend of a friend lead you have, and feel free to forward this email.
Thanks!
- Shannon"
Dear Shannon
My usual donkey supply dude got pinched by the Bureau of Fish and Wildlife. I suggest you call the LA Zoo or some kids birthday places.
I hope you quell your fetish demons soon. I had no idea that the snuff film audiences had become so sophisticated in their tastes.
love,
Kranki
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Animals & Shit & Stuff & Yeah...
Shit, I haven't been on this internet tramp steamer for a while now. I have been a bit distracted. My hosts are now hurrying off to attend a "Monkey Party" and are furiously looking for costumes. The Sheriff has on furry monkey pants and the Fits has on a typically lovely outfit complete with brown stockings and a fez. I can only hope that enough drugs will be taken in order to make it all worth while. I think that my monkey party days are perhaps behind me. But of course that might just be because there are no fucking psychedelic mushrooms in this entire continent-country. It's god-damn un-American!
Tomorrow I shall make friends with alpacas on an alpaca farm. I am told that one of them likes to undress women, one is cripplingly shy and one likes to spit on people. I had no idea that I had so much in common with this mysterious animal.
I hope I have something worth sharing. I would like to say that I will be on RRR this Tuesday sometime between 10 and 12 pm so if you get RRR. You can also listen in on the webcast if you don't live in Melbourne. It will be at a very inconvenient time if you happen to live in Los Angeles, but based on the perkiness of my nipples it will probably be worth while.
It's been a bit of an animal fest this New Years. I found a giant moth who became my best friend for the day and found a baby bat in our New Years house and managed to lure him back into the night sky to rejoin his bat kin. I just don't want to think that he might have gone on to eat Mo-Mo my little moth pal. But size-wise it would make a pretty fair fight. If I could actually scan pictures I would share them with you and you could say things like, "Oh, it's so cute" and "Woogie Cudgie Poo!" But I must make do with what I have and right now I have several bags of clothes and about a dozen blank postcards that I keep meaning to address and send out to my friends and family back in the States but haven't been in one place long enough to actually do anything more than experience mild guilt
Gabi of the Town Bikes wishes to tell you (the world) that "cheese logs rock." Now she's off to go and fuck to the dulcet tones of Lynard Skynard!
Looks like it's one of those vomitous posts that's all over the place. Oh and I also wanted to mention that I love my presents that I got for my birthday from Fluffy, Snazzie, Fits and Matty B. I got a topless Aussie chicks stubbie holder, and Australian Slang Dictionary a Cranky Crocodile picture book, an Aussie flyer plane which runs on the same exact batteries that power a standard vibrator. And I also received an Adventure Tool that has a reflective mirror, compass, screwdriver, storage compartment, climbing clamp and other items that no Outback Explorer should ever be without. I feel that if I just get one of those hats with the corks all over it and a slab of beer I will have all that I need to begin my Walkabout Excursion into the Australian Wilderness.
I'm sad that my time in Australia is trickling down so quickly. I haven't had time to Fuck (blog) but I've been having too much fun to really care.
Tomorrow I shall make friends with alpacas on an alpaca farm. I am told that one of them likes to undress women, one is cripplingly shy and one likes to spit on people. I had no idea that I had so much in common with this mysterious animal.
I hope I have something worth sharing. I would like to say that I will be on RRR this Tuesday sometime between 10 and 12 pm so if you get RRR. You can also listen in on the webcast if you don't live in Melbourne. It will be at a very inconvenient time if you happen to live in Los Angeles, but based on the perkiness of my nipples it will probably be worth while.
It's been a bit of an animal fest this New Years. I found a giant moth who became my best friend for the day and found a baby bat in our New Years house and managed to lure him back into the night sky to rejoin his bat kin. I just don't want to think that he might have gone on to eat Mo-Mo my little moth pal. But size-wise it would make a pretty fair fight. If I could actually scan pictures I would share them with you and you could say things like, "Oh, it's so cute" and "Woogie Cudgie Poo!" But I must make do with what I have and right now I have several bags of clothes and about a dozen blank postcards that I keep meaning to address and send out to my friends and family back in the States but haven't been in one place long enough to actually do anything more than experience mild guilt
Gabi of the Town Bikes wishes to tell you (the world) that "cheese logs rock." Now she's off to go and fuck to the dulcet tones of Lynard Skynard!
Looks like it's one of those vomitous posts that's all over the place. Oh and I also wanted to mention that I love my presents that I got for my birthday from Fluffy, Snazzie, Fits and Matty B. I got a topless Aussie chicks stubbie holder, and Australian Slang Dictionary a Cranky Crocodile picture book, an Aussie flyer plane which runs on the same exact batteries that power a standard vibrator. And I also received an Adventure Tool that has a reflective mirror, compass, screwdriver, storage compartment, climbing clamp and other items that no Outback Explorer should ever be without. I feel that if I just get one of those hats with the corks all over it and a slab of beer I will have all that I need to begin my Walkabout Excursion into the Australian Wilderness.
I'm sad that my time in Australia is trickling down so quickly. I haven't had time to Fuck (blog) but I've been having too much fun to really care.
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