Why New York City Sucks!

Thursday, July 15, 2004

I post this piece with my friend* Curtis' kind permission*.  
 
*Note when I say "friend" I use the term very loosely.  Also, where I say "permission" it should say "ignorance." 
 
 

      Why New York City Sucks!

            by Curtis Matthews 

 
     New York City is a bunch of people whose only unifying characteristic is that they're jealous that they don't live in L.A. Everyday I walk outside in my flip-flops because we don't have stupid weather like the NYC losers and I gaze out at the vast vista of palm trees. Then I get into my car and take it to the carwash and have it cleaned, because if my car is dirty, people will think that I just got off the goddamn plane from NYC. In NYC there are actually people who don't own cars. Even people who can afford them don't buy cars.  Hello?  I know I sure love to be jammed into a graffiti-covered, urine-encrusted train car with a bunch of sweaty poor people. Then you get some guy with a gimpy leg, an old dirty windbreaker but wearing brand new Nike sneakers who walks onto the train car and proceeds to tell you a sob story about how he was a soldier in Desert Storm and lost both his livers, but he's trying to turn his life around. Then he holds out a cup expecting you to give him money. We have those guys in LA, but they work for a fucking living. They hang out at the gas station and offer to wipe your windows. In New York they just grab a piece of custard-stained newspaper that some drooly wino was using as a pillow and they smudge your windows all up with crud. If anybody in LA did that it's in our city charter that we are legally allowed to shoot them in the head. That's why there are cars, people... so that we can stay disease-free if we choose to. Nobody gets into my car and hits me up for cash. Unless it's a car-jacker, in which case you don't have to worry cause you'll either get a cool new even bigger SUV with insurance money, or you're dead. At least when you're dead you don't have to live in New York City. Wasn't that the name of a Beach Boys single? The East Coasters love to brag that "New York is a melting pot of cultures." Well, I don't want any of that crap melting on me, I have to go eat where famous people might be hanging out. Yesterday I drove a couple miles to my neighborhood Coffee Bean to get to get a grande non-fat frappucino and on the way there I saw Danny Devito AND Kevin Spacey. So,DOMINO, MOTHERFUCKER! West Coast rules!