G.N.N. Your Alternative News Source

Okay, so, I can't listen to N.P.R. any more because it depresses me. I can't watch Local News because it's too vapid. World News is way too scary and Domestic News always reminds me that we have somebody with the I.Q. and personality of a Pork Rind pretending to be the leader of the free world.

Although drugs are a nice break from reality now and then, I really wish that I could watch the news or listen to the radio without being left with a feeling of powerlessness and misery. Suicide bombers, beheaded hostages, a economy crumbling, the sky falling, people mad at other people that they don't understand. Those people mad that they're misunderstood. People violently expressing their hostility about all the hate in the world. No wonder so many people wanted to go into denial and worship Reagan like he made the sun shine. And just to bash the liberals, you all ran to get Bill Clinton's books so that maybe you could distract yourself from the state of the world with some juicy details about Bill's sexual adventures. News is bad yes. Just yesterday I heard that a well-known Hip Hop Rapper completely lost his temper. I know, it's shocking. People, if I had the resources I would create The Good News Network. Not with fake stuff that's made up, but with human interest stories. Despite what I see when I look at the TV, out my window or read the newspaper good things ARE happening out there. They're just not considered NEWS. I really want an alternative news source so I can balance the Ying and the Yang of it all.

It would go something like this...

First "It's a Beautiful Day" by U2 would play over the opening news credits.

Then:

ANCHOR MAN: "Good evening everybody I'm Sam Goodman, the jovial yet earnest, salt and pepper-haired, trustworthy anchorman. For our top story at this hour we go live to Blueberry Glen Wisconsin."

Then Jenny Gisworth field reporter would give her report.

Jenny: "Would you believe that a duck and a kitten could be best friends...? Well, it's true! Here on Mr. Rutherford's farm Quackers and Mr. Purr were born just two days apart from each other and as they've grown so too has their friendship."

Sam: And in politics, Democrats and Republicans held a special join meeting on Capitol Hill today to work through many of their problems and sort out differences of opinion.

Republican: "When you sit down and listen to each other. I mean, really listen to one another some truly amazing things can happen."

Democrat:: "I think after today we're all pretty much on the same page and share the same goals for America."

Republican: "Rich and Poor, Black and White, Dumb and Smart, we're only going to get the job done by working together. I'm particularly excited about our new government funding for avante-garde performance art."

Then it would be Dawn Everpure with an depth and hard-hitting look at some trends in romantic picnic outings.

Dawn: This just in... The bluebird that lives in the tree right outside our studio has just finished her nest.

And over to Dan McCleary with the weather... "the Sun will continue to provide heat for more than five billion years, so enjoy that time with friends and family. Looking at weather in our local area... We'll have some percipitation, which means WATER. Wonderful water. The staple of all life on the little blue green ball of love that we call earth. That should result in some beautiful flowers in the next few days.

Then for Sports we'd go live to Dirk Dobson.

Dirk: Hi Dan I'm out enjoying a great game of celebrity kickball. Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant, former Laker teammates who co-sponsored the event were on hand enjoying the festivities.

Dirk interviews them.
Dirk: "How's the weather up there, big guy?"

Shaq: (smiling) Hello, Dirk. It's just nice to be outside in the fresh air with all these selfless stars of stage and screen, getting the blood flowing and circulating healthy endorphins. But really today it's all about charity and helping our fellow man.

Kobe: It really is a beautiful day. Did you see that catch David Schwimmer made in left field? That Jew has got skills. I was impressed. Before I forget, you have got to try Shaq's potato salad. It is simply delicious.

Shaq: Thank you, Kobe. It's nice to be recognized for my culinary skills. I hope I made enough for everybody. Say, you smell really nice, is that a new cologne, Kobe?

Kobe: Yes, it is a new scent. It's actually more of an au de toilette... it's got rosehips and lavander an-- OH! it looks like I'd better get back to the barbecue grill-- Otherwise we're likely to to have some burnt London Broil and some sad celebrity kick ball faces. (running off) Remind me to give you my marinade recepie! It's on my website.

SHAQ: (calling to Kobe) Don't forget the Garden Burgers for Ted Dansen and Ed Begley. (to camera) Two very funny vegetarians. You gotta love em.

Then we'd go to international news... "No major earthquakes or signifigant natural disasters today on most of the continents."

ANCHOR: "And Four Italian Quintuplets who were accidentally seperated were reunited after growing up apart from each other for 42 years.

Italian Brothers (in broken English): "In my heart my brothers and I, we were never separated. Each night I went to bed I would think of my brothers and I knew somewhere they were alive and well and happy and had love for me their hearts so I always kept a smile on my face for them. We always knew one day we would see each other again. I think somehow it's better this way because we share the rich and diverse events of our lives with one another making the reunion that much more special."

Quick Montage of Beautiful Baby Boys and Girls Born over the weekend. Then Two Commercials. One for Healthy Cereal, and one for The Boys and Girl's Club.

Then we'd continue with the last of our three part series on College Strippers.

Sweet Girl Next Door Stripper: "I don't do it just for the money. Most of that goes right towards Med School tuition. Honestly, the patrons here at Sticky's are just as important to me. They're practically family. If I see that somebody has had a bad day, I'll go over to them and talk, maybe rub my soft glistening breasts on their face or give them free lap dance. It's about giving back to the community where I grew up. I feel really blessed to have been born with what some consider an asthetically pleasing body and I'm proud to share it's beauty with the men who take the time out of their busy days to relax, unwind and appreciate the contours of the female form. It's especially rewarding when I have the chance to work with the house-less who don't always have the opportunity to watch nude young women dance or pay for simulated sex. I prefer the term house-less to homeless, because the house is the only thing that they're missing. When they come here, as they do often, they know that they have a home."

Then it'd wrap up.
SAM GOODMAN "That's all for this hour. Thanks for joining us everybody. Have a good night.

SFX: Music "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby Mcferrin plays.

End Credits roll as we watch additional footage of the Quackers the Duck and Mr. Purr the Kitten frolicing and playing chess while a soft warm sun sets over the distant green rolling hills.

Music "Don't Worry, Be Happy." continues in musak.

Tomorrow on G.N.N. Clip of An old grandfather bouncing his granddaughter on his knee and telling her that he has lived life to the fullest with no regrets. "I love you Grandpa."

THE GOOD NEWS NETWORK is sponsored by Smuckers. With a name like Smuckers it has to be good.