Khronicles Unexclusive: 16% of Stupid People Are Also Dumb

Gently Breaking News

In a new USA TODAY/Gallup poll published on Monday a record high 62 percent said the war in Iraq was not "worth it," and a record low 16 percent said the United States was winning, USA Today said.

Wow! I think I actually heard the sound of scraping as they hit the bottom of the intelligence barrel. So 16 % of those surveyed said we were winning the war. This must be the same 16% that can't read, don't own televisions or radios and sleep amidst their own feces. This 16 percent may not be aware that the first Gulf war with Iraq is over. Or perhaps they are still confident that our boys will pull out a decisive victory in Vietnam. But then again how smart can I be considering I read USA Today. I like the pretty color pictures. I hope they can create scratch and sniff news so that we no longer have to do all that hard reading of the words in the sentences. You'd simply scratch the picture of the news item and you could just smell the world events.

Pictured above are Floyd, Boyd and Lloyd outside Liquor Barn in Cowtippinton, Alabama.

The trio expressed their minority view that "The US of Fuck-a-duckin' A is totally whooping the turbans off them there ass-breath, camel-jockey turd lickers." "Terrorize this!" added Lloyd.

President Bush has commissioned the triumvirate to conduct and lead a second Iraqi Study Group. According to President Bush he is looking for "Sumthin with a fresh perspectivity that doesn't have so many fancy ideas." As he boarded Air Force One Bush added "We're doing, like, a war here folks, I don't have time to be reading big long-wordy reports. I got alotta presidentin' to do."

Happy Birthday Jesus

Shhhsssh the little dude is sleeping. Sweet him, he's got a huge little noggin'. I'd better get him the adult size ear muffs.

She what he's doing there in the picture? That's exactly how I intend to spend my Christmas day. Then when I wake up, instead of turning water into wine I'll be turning wine into urine, eating lots of chocolate and watching the entire Season 2 of The Office. It's my own lil Christmas miracle.

This year the only gifts I bought were for my dogs and my mom. I think I did a better job wrapping the present for the dogs but I'm sure mom will still enjoy the liver-flavor jerky.

Enjoy your gifts or stocking full of coal or whatever you can find. I recommend that you find a human who will let you touch their soft parts. Bust out some of the good hooch and smoke 'em if you got 'em. I pray none of you see any creepy Sith lords in your dreams.


Honestly, this dude is a scary-looking mother fucker. He's like a hung over Uncle Fester. I've heard of having bags under your eyes but his are so deep and dark that a large family of bats could live in there. He reminds me of the villains from Scooby Doo. "Like, zoiks Scoob, I think the Vatican is haunted!"
"Rut roh! Run Raggy, run!"

Friendship or Fetish?

It might have been one of those "You-had-to-be-there" nights but fortunately for me I was there.

I just got home from dinner with one of the dearest friends I've got on this doomed little planet of ours. It was a huge and much needed stress breaker to be my complete, uncensored, stupid self with a friend. It's freeing to behave in an utterly, politically incorrect way and feel unjudged. I forgot how rejuvenating it is to spend time with somebody who always has your back through thick and thin and always finds a way to make you laugh.

He was a bit sleep deprived and was especially loopy-goofy-punchy, which made for a memorable dinner. He even agreed to write a song for me entitled "Me Rawk You Long Time." We spent a few minutes looking at the menu and giggling like idiots over how the menu items at the tai restaurant also sounded like kinky sex acts. Our favorite by a mile had to be the "Beef Waterfall."

Him: "Son, if you're ever in the big city and a man comes up to you and offers you a Beef Waterfall... I want you to run..."

Me: "Run to the nearest moving bus and leap in front of it. Because if that man can get to you that means he can get to me....

Him: "Once them gays get our DNA we're done for."

I'm not sure what the young waitress thought when she overheard that riff. I was laughing too much to even care.

It cheered me up greatly and also made me sad that my friend isn't going to be in the same town as me any longer. Here in L.A. you tend to take people for granted and it's easy to drift apart for large spans of time. It's a rare and wonderful thing to have somebody with whom you can just pick up with right where you left off. Or maybe I just have secret fetish for balding men with sideburns. Don't tell his wife.