Things Kranki finds Krass

At Seth's birthday party a few years ago, some strange woman who was a guest of a guest, was checking out some guy at the party. She seemed quite shy until she turned to me, Seth and Craig (guys she'd just met) pointed to this guy and loudly announced. "I'd like to have HIS abortion." Three crass dudes were lightly stunned.

Kranki Words of Wisdom # 1

Great minds think alike... and so do we.
- Krankiboy

Soggy Bottom Boy

Is it wrong to make up a story about how I too once wet my pants in second grade to make a self-conscious, anxious first grader feel better? The other option was to just wet myself there on the spot in solidarity. It may have been a lie, but I'm happy with my choice.

Ring Ring! Obama & Duckie

Ring Ring!

Obama: Yes?

Duckie: Hello, Mr. President?

Obama: Yes. Who is this and how did you get this num---






Duckie: Oh, well, my name is Duckie, I'm a fledgling chicken, not actually a duck... anyway, long story. Look, I called you because I'm worried about the future.

Obama: The future? Anything specific, Duckie?

Duckie: Yes. Sarah Palin. Specifically her approval rating. How can somebody so clueless who helped sabotage the election for Republicans last time be a leading contender for the Oval Office in 2012?

Obama: That's still a long way off and--

Duckie: Mr. P, she has a 70% approval rating among registered Republicans, but she's dumber than a can of baked beans!







Obama: Yes bu--

Duckie: Bammy, I'm farm fresh at only three-weeks old and even I know that she's a female George Bush with a death wish for every edible animal on Earth. She has one hand stroking the Military Industrial Machine's missile shaft and the other hand dipped deep in the pocket of Big Oil. She'll be the nail in the coffin that Bush and Cheney built for our country because her naughty librarian good-looks will give a fat white GOP corpa-rapists a boner the size of Rush Limbaugh's ego.

Obama: That's a rather twisted and bawdy rant for a baby duck isn't it?






Duckie: Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Presidude! I'm not a DUCK, I'm a chicken! I just have a bill that resembles-- It's a nickname. Damn, you have me off topic. Look, everybody in the barn is freakin' the fuck out! When we voted you in we thought you'd be kickin' ass and taking names nice and smooth like Billy Dee Williams sipping an ice cold Colt 45. Instead you're screwin' the pooch on this one.

Obama: If you look at the broader picture you'll see that even in a politically divided Congress I've managed to pass historic legislation in the areas of health care, Wall Street reform and the conflicts in Afghanistan and--

Duckie: Dude! You're getting bitch slapped around while taking it in the nads. I may be just a tiny part of America with shell bits still stuck in my downy soft feathers but even I can see that. It doesn't take a goat genius to read a Washington Post poll.

Obama: You may not be the backbone of my constituency but I'd like to address and allay your fears and concerns about the 2012 election. My primary focus at this stage of my first term has been to balance the necessary and triage the damage that the GOP brought on our political infrastructure.  By taking a more centrist position I seek to broaden-

Duckie: Yeah, yeah. Look. They just scattered chicken feed outside the coop soo I'm going to have to jet. Just get your shit sorted, circle the wagons and get it together, boss man.  And get your approval rating out of the toilet. You're the Head Negro In Charge, so act like it already. If you're gonna sit in the Oval office and be the Big O then you'd better start making America feel like it's getting a big O. Ya feel me?

Obama: Duckie. I realize there may be significant challenges ahead but I instead choose to see them as oppor--

Duckie: Opportunities, yeah yeah. I've heard the speech before. Don't make me have to walk to D.C. to give you a swift peck in the ass. That's a long god-damn haul for a flightless bird from San Clemente.






Obama: You have to understan--

*CLICK*

Obama: Hello?... Hello?!... Duckie?

Redonkutardastic

My associate in social media endeavors, Beau Brooks, is redonkutardastic if he thinks I'm going to help him spread his word redonkutardastic.

I told him he'd have more luck spreading the legs of lingerie models than he will that word. Which, if he was a glass half full kind of guy, he would take to mean he'd have tremendous success with both efforts but slightly more luck in making sweet Califonicating with the professional underwearin' ladies.

But really this word is a Hindenburg covered in moose lard covered in kitty litter and even if John Stewart and Will Smith both wore t-shirts with that on it for a month, nobody would use the word.