Two Rants in one!

Just a quick pre-rant before I get to the main ranting that has lots of angry exclamation points.

I can't stand it when you ask somebody what they do and they say "I'm a consultant." That's informative, thank you for sharing. I'm so glad I took a personal interest in your occupation and talents. I asked what the fuck you do, not your vague title. Verb, you know- action. Why so specific with "consultant" answer. Why not just tell me you're an employee or an employer. How unique and fascinating. What kind of consultant are you Mr. Turdly McSmug?! Are you a canned peaches consultant, a legal consultant, an I'll-let-you-do-anything-you-want to-me-right-here-in-this-bus-station-bathroom-for-fifty-bucks consultant? Do you consult with people about their bikini area and recommend how best to wax their business? Are you the lucky medical consultant on E.R. who just sits around on their ass and says, "Yeah, we'd use a rib spreader in that situation." Or are you the kind of consultant I'd like to be. The greatest and easiest job on earth. A TV sitcom consultant. You might be asking what that is exactly. This is a person who is an established TV writer a.k.a. a hack who has written for four or five years on some decently rated sitcom and then had a chance to make their own show which probably never even got on the air. So sad, right? Sounds bad, right? Boo-hoo! Where is my teeny tiny violin? These guys can work on a show, let's say The Drew Carey Show or Everybody Loves Raymond and they work one or two days a week and get paid 15,000 to 20,000 dollars a week. Yes, in real money. For what? For hanging out with comedy writers for a day and maybe putting two or three jokes into that week's episode. These are the people I occasionally think about while I'm student teaching elementary school digging in my pocket to see if I have enough nickels mixed in with my pocket lint and crumpled up receipts to buy a juice. I do enjoy working with the kids 97% of the time, but student teacher is just a fancy term for unpaid slave. I happen to be with a good mentor teacher, which is why I haven't gone berserk. Nor do I plan to.

On the TV writing Topic:
There is this lawsuit against the writers of Friends from this twat of a girl who was a lazy lousy worker. I know because I saw and heard about it with my own eyes and ears. She worked thirty feet away from me. She had no business being in a writers' room and yet her incompetence is going to make her a FAT, FAT bundle of money either by winning the case or by getting a settlement from Warner Brothers or the writers she's suing. "Those foul writers said rude, crass things while I was in the room and I had to take notes." Yeah, that's how it works. You write a show about sex and spend 10-15 hours a day with a room full of comedy writers, you make tasteless and often hysterical jokes. Surprise! They curse like sailors with a rich vocabulary. Shocking, eh. So, Amani Lyle please, go fuck yourself with a rusty boat anchor. If I see you walking on the street you'd better hope I'm not driving. I, as well as many of my friends, have worked our asses off for five, or six (or more) years as writers' assistants to earn a staff writing job on a show. That's what writers' assistants do to earn their stripes. We were competent, worked crazy hours, had a sense of humor, and most of all did our best to charm the big shot writers into reading our scripts and passing them on to their agents. We paid our dues. Some of us got writing jobs some of us didn't. Now this cunting little cumdumpster is likely to get a gigantic free handout. That's money that I'd almost rather see go to support the Bush campaign or the Club the Baby Seals Society than into her pocket. I played by the rules and I put up with all that "terrible" language and behavior. Too bad I'm not an uptight talentless black girl, then I'd have hit the lottery too! I worked in the same office and I saw how she was lazy and incompetent and wasn't in the least bit surprised when she finally got fired. If you are supposed to be at work at 10am, then be there on time. Only people like myself are allowed to always be 15 minutes late to everything. It's my birthright. Nobody harassed this twatina cry baby. I know most of the male and female writers that she's talking about and they're a nice group of people. Do you sometimes want to watch a little bit of midget porn in the writer's room to reward yourself and keep things lively? Yeah, Bridget the Midget is a talent of the highest order. And it is funny to joke about revealing that the sweet lovable Joey character has actually been a serial rapist all along? In the right context, yes. What would that context be? The Writer's Room. Where anything said in the room stays in the room. It's like a code of the old West. Don't shoot a man in the back. Or whatever crap the Boy Scouts have to pledge. If you can't hack it. Sue them. How very clever. I think I'll have to go immediately to my nearest Walmart megastore and "accidentally" fall and injure myself. I certainly hope the slippery floor doesn't result in some kind of long term spinal injury according to a corrupt doctor. That could cost Walmart Millions. If that does happen I will personally fly you all to an exotic location and throw a party. Unfortunately I won't be able to drop blotter acid and limbo with you. Tragically I hurt my back.