REAGAN PYRAMID NEARS COMPLETION
SIMI VALLEY, CA
Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to ensure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule to be completed in time for the 40thh president's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld.
Above: Builders expect the Reagan Pyramid to be ready in time for the Great Communicator's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld upon death. Among the items to be entombed with Reagan are 2,500 MX missiles, a golden chalice of jelly beans, and his beloved servant, George Bush Sr.
Swift completion of the towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to Republican Party insiders.
"Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great Communicator," former Reagan Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger said. "As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Reagan with a burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra."
According to project overseer and Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese, the 118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of more than 40 miles and has already cost the lives of some 50,000 slaves, will serve not only as Reagan's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly repository of the deified Republican's vast wealth.
"Buried with Reagan will be his finest treasures," Meese said, "including 2,500 MX intercontinental ballistic missiles, 15 stealth bombers, a golden chalice of jelly beans, and his most prized servant, former president George Bush Sr."
Bush told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is forever locked with my leader's within the Great Reagan's final resting place. Let us all praise Osiris."
Reagan's mummified husk will be placed in the burial chamber as intact as possible. To this end, Reagan's internal organs were removed shortly after his death and preserved, encased in ornate protective ceramic vessels and sealed in beeswax.
There's more to the article but I gave it a proper comedic circumcision.
They broke a rule of good comedy and used the word spleen. I pardon them for their youthful transgression.
I like that they didn't mention having to remove the brain for the mummification process.
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4026
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3 comments:
This just makes me mad because I had good money on Reagan being the first celeb to die this year (my other picks were Margaret Thatcher and obscure-to-you-no-doubt motherfucker ex-premier of Queensland Joh Bjelke-Petersen), then all of a sudden Tony Randall collapses and I'm out $340. Ten years alone in a room with Alzheimer's and he couldn't try and hurry it along a little? That's just selfish.
x
Ms. Fits
Alas Tony Randall always loved to steal the spotlight even in death.
Perhaps you should write to the lovelyand not at all withered and skeletal-looking Mrs. Nancy Reagan and demand your $340 dollars back. I'd love to see what kind of response that would get.
So now what happens to your celebrity death pool? How do I get in on that?
What amazes me is how ol' Nance tremblingly hip and shoulders the coffin and is suddenly a national heroine. Curse the short memories of voters.
Celeb Sweepstakes begins Jan 1st next year. Twenty dollars to enter (you can downsize to whatever the puny value of the Australian dollar is in 2005), three celebs per person, no doubling up. First in, best dead. You'd be our fourth International guest, and - as is the Australian way - we'd be only too happy to fawn over you and sycophantically parrot everything you say/think/feel.
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