Pre Bay to Breakers

Well tomorrow will be my first Bay to Breakers. It's really strange to be waking up at 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday to go get drunk and watch athletes mingle with costumed eccentrics and naked people.

I have my Bubble Boy costume just about all ready to go. I have a bubble wrap cape, utility belt and a bubble hat. I also have my trusty, crime-fighting bubble wand that shoots a few hundred bubbles per blast. Look out evil. You've never seen anything so intimidating.

Dudes at the Park

My day was very trippy. But it wasn't my fault. It was all because of some dudes at the park who, as part of their product promotion, were giving away free samples of their "special cookies." As it turns out these cookies were extremely special. So special in fact that even just half a cookie can have you forgetting how to properly text message and/or stand without falling.

It is a testament to my lack of responsibilities that I can engage in this form of consumer spending. Free 16 hour high. The Dudes at the park are a welcome addition to the small businesses that cater to the laid-back, park-dwelling bohemians.

MM

Mackin' with Jesus

Saturday was the birthday of a young woman I know. She's cool, has great taste in music, some big tattoos and she cuts my hair when I can be bothered to tame my mullet back into hair that a non-caveman hippie human should have. I assumed that she would probably have a bunch of cool female friends so I invited one of the few guy friends I have here in SF to join me.

The best-looking woman at the dinner party was - and I'm not sure the proper term here so I'll just use all of them and be utterly politically incorrect - a midget, dwarf, little person, hobbit.*

At the Beauty Bar we watched some very attractive lipstick lesbians dance until the music just became utter shit and the visual enjoyment was overwhelmed by the auditory irritation. Then my friend and I went off to another place to have a drink. There were no lipstick lesbians or midgets there and shockingly we were able to get a table on a Saturday night.

When my friend popped off to the bathroom this Chinese woman and a tall guy with a salt and pepper beard invited themselves to sit down across from me. They looked interesting so I didn't care that they'd just plopped down. Jeff and Cindy introduced themselves and Jeff told me they'd just been talking about the reproductive tendencies that have been hard-wired into the male mind. I think I impressed them by telling them about a few authors and works I've read on the subject. I asked if they were discussing the topic from a modern sociological standpoint or a more anthropological point of view. Jeff didn't know what to make of that. I think his drinks were catching up with him because I didn't understand his response.

My friend returned and we asked Cindy, the Chinese chick, how she and Jeff knew each other. This proved to be the absolute best question to have possibly asked her. It was probably the only interesting area of conversation to be mined but it was a productive shaft to chip at.

It turned out that Cindy was here from England going to art school and she was currently doing a video installation entitled "If God doesn't do it for you, try making out with his son." Here is the gist of it. When she was a girl attending Catholic School she was fascinated with the image of Jesus that hung in her auditorium. She was particularly entranced with his beard which she would day dream about often. So now her video installation entails her filming herself making out with men whom she doesn't really know who have beards. As she explained it "I like to go to their apartments after arranging to meet them and I video tape them making out with me for as long as we can until it becomes uncomfortable or awkward." She had recorded just seven guys so far and she was feeling a bit down about her low number of subjects. When Jeff went to get more drinks and probably flirt with other women she confessed that she had developed a bit of a crush on this guy Jeff who she had just met because he is in an all beard-having, male, acapella group that sings Leonard Cohen songs. The name of the group is Conspiracy of Beards so it seemed a good idea to approach this group and try and convince some of these guys to make out with her on camera.

I asked her to show me how she would ask me if I had a beard so that we could see her approach and I have to say it was about as terrible as one could imagine. I gave her some pointers on how to talk to these guys and I suggested that she should go down to the Castro district and see if gay men would be open to the idea.

She told me she was writing my name and number down in her little book because I had "a special quality about me." I made it clear that I had no plans to grow a beard anytime soon so I doubt I will actually hear from Cindy, the Chinese chick with a wide-on for guys that look like Jesus who makes a weak attempt to hide her fetish as something resembling art.

I never understood why any woman would want to have a beard up rub against their face while kissing a man.

* I know you were hoping this post was going to be about how I had hot, kinky, sex with a little person. I can't say I blame you.

New York Juice

I'm finishing up a trip to New York City and I have to say that the city is an inspiring place. Seeing all the people out and about on the streets creates an energy that you can feel. It charges me up with ideas and gets my gears moving. I've been in a non-writing, non blogging funk for quite a while now and I hope that the visit will give me a creative burst.

For me the most astounding thing about being in Manhattan is the fact that they have everything here. Almsot anything you could possibly good or service that you can think of that exists is available. Any type of cuisine is at most a short subway or cab ride away. The sheer number of options for how to spend your time is probably what makes New Yorkers run about like headless chickens. Stylish headless chickens. New York may be the only city where on the same block you can get a gourmet a French roast cup of Kenyan coffee, a sumptuous Italian meal, and a happy-ending Swedish massage from a Vietnamese woman who speaks Spanish. Mei-Ling is a talented woman.

I need to get cracking on some more writing so I can reclaim my status as a struggling writer instead of just being somebody struggling to write.

More About T-Shirts

Last week I wrote about the difficulty of wearing certain kinds of T-shirts with words on them such as this one.
But the idea of wearing a picture of somebody else wearing that shirt opens up an entire new set of possibilities. It changes it from being a statement shirt to a commentary on somebody else's statement.

I don't think I would personally wear a shirt that said "GIANT CUM" but I would probably be up for wearing the shirt above. I don't know that the words on the shirt have any relation to the picture.

Right now I'd like a shirt with a picture of Dubya that says "It's not too late to kill me and my puppet master for shoving that giant piece of rusty metal into your ass." Maybe something a bit more catchy.

Fickle are Friendships

Holy Cow, I got some comments. I must say I was delighted to find that there are brave men and women out there willing to forgo doing something constructive to not only read my blog but to take the time to comment. You are all beautiful people in my eyes. I should also say that I am running a high fever and am on two different kinds of cold medicine so it will be interesting to see what my fuzzy and borderline delirious mind decides to tell my fingers to do.

I think I want to write about friendship because I've had a great many over the years and very few have lasted. I wonder sometimes if perhaps I become tedious to people after a while. I think I can be charming when people first meet me but perhaps the novelty wears off in time. Maybe I'm not a happy enough person so people don't want to put up with my dark episodes. I'm not rich, or successful and I can only rarely score you free tickets to see a cool band. I try to be a good listener and give helpful advice.

Maybe friends are just like shoes where you try on different kinds and different styles to see what fits you and some go out of style or just get worn down from years of use.

It would be so much better if the good friends we had were always there to be good friends and ports in the storm. But the reality is that many times we choose our friends based on what they can do to help us and we give just enough to keep getting what we want from them.

To me friends are especially important because I don't have any brothers or sisters or a very large family so it's hard for me when good friendships come to a bitter ending or as is more often the case just drift away. Sometimes it's because somebody moves or gets absorbed into a Borg-like relationship but other times I can't even tell how or when it happened.

Since I moved to a new city just over a year ago I've worked very hard to try and carve out some friendships and it's been work at times. I've also been trying to reconnect with some old friends through email but even in the few cases where there has been an inital response that is tremendously positive the emails just stop coming.

Some people are too busy to have friends that aren't going to move them up the social ladder or help their career. That's unfortunate because for me having true friends is what makes it all worthwhile.

FBI

So I'm sitting at my local cafe having a turkey, avocado, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich on a lovely baguette with a fresh lemonade to drink just thinking that maybe, maybe, things are okay in the world. Just at that moment, as if to pimp slap that notion from my head, this Hispanic guy walks into the place wearing his brand new shirt. This shirt.

He had no ironic sense about him. On many people it could have a 'so crap it's brilliant' style to it. Slap it on a geeky keyboardist or a... hmmm... put it on a hip lesbian construction worker and... no... wait. Okay, okay, I have it. Put it on a happily married accountant and... damn, the shirt just sucks no matter who wears it. It was especially horrible on this guy who wore it because it...

a) is original and clever

b) makes him feel better advertising his heterosexuality in San Francisco to avoid any gay men with a thing for aspiring, pseudo-gang banger douche bags who would be all over his action.

c) complimented his ample neck bling.

d) flat out impresses the ladies.

e) ALL OF THE ABOVE

I can't even think of a celebrity that the shirt would seem cool on. That's how shit the thing is. Have any other horrible T-shirts you'd like to share?

The correct answer is e) ALL OF THE ABOVE

Feel The Juice: A Cabventure

I was riding in a cab with my friend Seth and we were talking about the idea of get rich quick schemes and how most get rich schemes actually prey upon people who are looking to get rick quickly themselves. That's when my friend told me he was going another route and was now making peace with poverty. He elaborated for me and it started to make a great deal of sense. Instead of killing yourself or (god forbid) working hard to attain material comforts, possessions, a large and fancy home and the opportunity to dine on fine food in exotic locations you simply go the other way and accept that you don't have very much, don't have to work very hard and decide to be okay with it. It's kind of Zen in a way. Eschuing the material wants and extraneous tidbits that we are forever chasing for the simplicity of the bare minimum.

Seth and I were into a pretty deep conversation so I was quite startled when the cab driver-- loudly exclaimed. "Poverty is the devil!" Then he began a manic monologue that I can only attempt to recreate. I wish we had him on audio or video. He jumped all over the place but some of the things I remember him ranting about were money and sex. "You got to have a good car and money in your pocket to take your nice lady out for dinner -- but I would never have sex with a condom because I GOTTA FEEEEL DA JUICE!... ya know?"

We goaded him hoping he'd share more of his blue collar brilliance with us.
"So, you seem to be saying that you don't like having intercourse while wearing a condom."

CABBIE: "Yeah, man. Dat's for shit. A condom on your cock is for shit shit! Dat's like sucking on a candy with the wrapper still on. When you're in the poosie YOU GOTTA FEEEEL DA JUICE! Mmmhh."

I think he then began espousing on the secret to happiness having something to do with being able to afford a nice car, a cute girl and someplace good to go for dinner. Then he quickly switched topics. I got the sense that he just wanted to talk so Seth and I just let him go.

I had this one girl in my cab and she says to take her to the Saint Francis Hotel and can I come get her in one hour, right?! So you know she's selling her trim trim. I mean I drove her to a few places and she was telling me how much she charges these guys like thousands of bucks right because some of these rich guys they will pay whatever for good trim. For her it's like popping a champagne cork but instead of a big gooey load coming out it's money for her. She's sucking up the money. She got a mouth full of money.

We got out of the cab and I told Seth that Taxi Cab Confessions had it all wrong. The real show would be putting a camera on the cab driver and just letting them rant.

I'd like to think that there was a deep philosophy behind the notion of "feeling da juice." A philosophy that embraces the world as it truly is, and the importance of not shielding oneself with a protective or insulating layer. How it is crucial to truly and fully experience all that life has to offer. That's really giving our cabbie too much credit. He just has very strong feelings about how he likes his "poosie."

Sometimes people I meet ask me why I left LA and "the biz" It's always been hard to articulate but this video resonated with me.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=1577240

Tatyana

A few days ago this email showed up in my mailbox. Sometimes I receive mail from blog readers and readers of http://www.thescene.com.au/ where I write some semi-purile ramblings and a Celery and Cube cartoon with the help of my good friend and collaborator Joe Shiggybuns. This wasn't one of those.

Greetings... It is written to you Tatyana by me have written to you onyour structure on site Yahoo. I ask the application that I have notwritten to you yesterday but I waited from you the letter yesterdayvery for a long time both you have not written also I already thoughtthat you do not write to me and I left from the Internet of cafe infact write to you from the Internet of cafe. And in the Internet ofcafe of service of the Internet cost dearly and I did not begin towait too much. And I would write to you a little about me that youknew I live in Russia in city Cheboksari it is not so big city to benear to river Volga. And I work as the operator on cooking a broth ona farm on cultivation of pigs. And it is very difficult at us in Russia to find work by a trade. And by a trade I the cook. And on mywork pay very few money but to month would suffice what to live andsupport. And I have decided to try the happiness on the Internet bothI have written to you and I so is strongly glad that you have writtento me. And as I send you my image of me. And if I have interested youthat write to me I with the big impatience tomorrow I would shall cometo the Internet of cafe what to read yours the letter of you. And onit I finish the letter with the best regards your new familiar ofRussia Tatyana.







Okay so Tatyana tries "the happiness on the internet." Maybe Krankiboy means something different in Russian. Most likely she just wants to get the hell out of her situation of cooking some kind of pig broth. Who can blame her?

Here is my response:

Hello Tatyana: I am not sure why you have chosen to write to me and send me your pictures. I am sure you are a very nice person, but I am not interested in a relationship.

I wish you good luck in your search.

Krankiboy

Today I received this. I think something may have been lost in the translation.



Greetings my new friend . And I am very glad that you have answeredme again. And I know that between us with you a difference in timeapproximately 8-10 hours and at you probably now even night. And Ihope that all of you understand that I write to you in fact mine theletter I I write to you earlier at school studied the English languageand I so is strongly glad that I studied it in fact now I can wellcommunicate with you. And as if you again will write me that we withyou we can talk tomorrow in this it is high time. And it is a littleabout me to me 29 years and my birthday in August of 13 numbers. I inRussia live together with my grandmother in fact at me anybody was notpresent from my native my parents were lost when I was absolutelysmall in accident. And as I was the only child in family I have nobrothers sisters. And since the smallest years of me my grandmotherbrought up and I am very strong to it for it is grateful. I have notenough friends but I am glad that at me the new friend has appearedand I think you my new friend. At me very difficult and heavy work. Ibefore have been never married also I have no children. We with mygrandmother live in an apartment together and we still have cat hisname is Murka. And you as write all about you and ask to me anyquestions of you to me it will be very pleasant to answer all yourquestions. Also write more about you and your life. And on it I finishthe letter I wish you to lead this week-end perfectly. Your new friendTatyana.

One Russian pig farm year must be equal to three normal years. Is she lying about her age or is it just a hard life that has aged her more quickly?

That's actually rather stylish wallpaper and some awesome looking hardwood flooring. Maybe I should have her fly me out and I can get a job chasing the pigs into the stew.

I'm at a loss. Can you help me out? Is so very lonely that I should correspond with her from time to time OR would that be somehow misleading to her and mean. OR should I just tell her to send me some skanky topless photos and promise to fly her out to be my bride. I'm kidding about the last part so don't any of you pervs ask. You know who you are.

Your thoughts?

And if I should write her please, please give me some ideas of what you'd like me to ask her.

Notable Quote

Notable Quote

"Sixty-eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution.
On the other hand, only 5 percent of monkeys believe in Republicans."

-- Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report

Found on Craig's List

I didn't invent this. It's from Craig's List. As a friend remarked "Is this what dating in Los Angeles has been reduced to?"

My baby mama's beautiful nurse - m4w - 32

Reply to: pers-498176543@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-04, 1:18AM PST

My baby mama was giving birth and you walked in as her nurse and I couldn't believe my eyes! You had such a sexy little Southern accent and were very outgoing. I couldn't help but be so turned on by your black beauty. I secretly wished it was you on the bed giving birth to my baby. I ended things with my girl and I'll be waiting for you on the morning of December 5th. I truly believe you are my soulmate and I am not going to let you get away. I think I love you, Mandingo


I think it's going to get a really positive response for Mandingo. What the fuck kind of name or even pseudonym is "MANDINGO?!"

Even IF this sexy southern black beauty were interested in starting an affair with a wandering baby maker who only sticks around long enough to check on his handiwork I think once she reads that he goes by the name Mandigo she'd decide to pass on the enticing offer.

I'm not into you.

Many people find it difficult to tell somebody that they are no longer interested in seeing them. Personally I'm ashamed to admit that I've broken up with women in some cowardly ways. Please note that some of these I did when I was just a stupid teenager. Also, two methods in this list are blatant lies.

1) While over at her house I casually told her mother that we had decided just to be friends.

2) Went away to Europe for two months but failed to mention anything about the trip to her.

3) Break up note slipped under her door followed by me running away.

4) Made up a story about falling in love with a completely made up person.

5) The college classic: Stop being friendly when you see them and promptly start sleeping with their roommate.

6) Had my new girlfriend explain that I didn't want to see her anymore.

7) Told her I was saving myself for marriage and being around her was just too tempting.

8) Used inside information she told me to help her ex-boyfriend say the right things and "win" her back from me.

9) Changed Facebook information from 'In a relationship' to 'single.' Changed status to read 'Krankiboy is no longer dating Natasha.'

10) Wrote a message on her bathroom mirror with her lipstick then snuck out of her place during the night.

Care to comment on a crappy break-up method you have used or had used on you?

My Ride

So my car died... afuckingain.

This time I had my friend jump it which Alex had never done before. When Alex saw me hook up the batteries and it started up I believe the comment was "Aww, it's like our cars are kissing." This is a clear indication that Alex is a girl. Guys don't say that shit. That's why I don't like very many guys.

Instead of stressing out about driving it around to charge up the battery I simply left the keys in the ignition and walked off to have a leisurely dinner. This is a very freeing thing. The idea that my car was just there and running for anybody to take was quite cool. I was half hoping that somebody would steal it so I could get the insurance money and no longer have to endure parking tickets. I'm very close to selling the poor old gal and getting a scooter. Don't judge me, I live in the worst parking city on the face of the planet. Does the planet have a face or has it been covered in polar ice cap water. When the waters rise worldwide don't blame me, I'll have an aqua scooter and a pair of water wings.

What was the point of this blog again? Oh right, it's me, I'm pointless. Some say it's my charm. And my "some" I mean me.

Rejected Halloween Costumes

I ended up passing on some Halloween Costumes. I didn't think I'd have a party to go to, then I got invited to one and I have no time to get a costume. All I have are art supplies at school. I'll either find something simple and creative or have to go with nothing. Lame.

Here are some costumes you won't see me in.

Yellow doesn't go with my skin tone.

Sure this one would be hawt, but I'd bee too cold.

I don't have the person to do the body paint.

This one is just too disturbing.

In fact, it makes me want to....

Blluuurggh!

Happy Halloween y'all.

Do you know the Mushroom Man?

Some days I marvel at how fucking weird San Francisco can be. I was walking home from work on Thursday and saw this guy dressed like a cross between a Ziggy Stardust, and the Cat in the Hat. He had a long floral print shirt and some elven looking boots on. Weirder still was that he was carry a rectangular velvet pillow with two kinds of mushrooms placed in neat rows. One type of mushroom was orange with a large cap and the others were a purplish color. It seemed as if he might be on his way to sell them somewhere. I should have stopped to chat with the man but I was a bit too perplexed to think to do so.

I'll keep my eyes peeled for him next time. It totally topped the lady at the park who walks around selling ganja cakes like they were ice cream.

I hope you're all having a lovely weekend.

Funny Blood - Follow Up

This was in my email today. It made me smile and I thought I'd share as a follow up since some of you expressed some interest.


Kranki

hi.

thanks for writing to me.

your e-mail was very interesting.

i was in la when i received it.

i was on the phone with my mom (lillian) and i told her about it. then she put her mom / my yia
yia (dina) on the phone.

we spoke about it for a while.

the next time i talked to my mom she said that yia yia talked about it for the rest of the day.

i don't know that much about my family tree.

it's nice to know more.

tell everyone i said hi.

hope life is good.

demetri.

Free Wisdom

I'll give you some hard-earned wisdom at no charge.

Never ever try to outdrink a stuffed animal.

Funny Blood

My Aunt Helen sent me the following.

Hey KRANKI Martin -

Hope all is well. Let me know how its going. Just wanted to pass on this info, since this guy's been in the news lately:

I think I told you that Demetri Martin (the comedian) is your blood relative (but not through the Martin line - strange coincidence that you have the same last name). Your great-grandmothers were sisters. Your grandmothers are 1st cousins.

He's been on Jon Stewart, written for Conan, will have a new Comedy Central show in 2008. He's about your age. His grandmother Dina and uncle Johnny were at Aunt Mary's funeral and I sat with them at the luncheon. The uncle have me his dvd and cd (not the latest), which I can send you if you want. Demetri often uses his mother & grandmother in his comedy, talking about Yiayia, growing up Greek, has his grandmother respond to his jokes, etc.

Anyway, you said your Australian friends know of him. His humor is a bit like yours - cerebral and observational. Below are some links. Don't know if you would want to reach out to him, since you have so much in common. (I even think he was briefly married in his early 30's and is now divorced.) His website/myspace invites people to e-mail. Just a thought. To me, its almost surreal, parallel-universe-type stuff, so I just had to pass this info on.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=14653866 - recent NPR radio interview

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7120270 - NPR radio interview

http://television.aol.com/news/story/_a/jon-stewart-backs-demitri-martin-show/20071003065809990001

http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_daily_show/videos/demetri_martin/index.jhtml - video spots on Jon Stewart

http://www.demetrimartin.com/main.html - his website

{BTW, here is how you are related:
Demetri's great-grandmother (Evangelitsa (Sissas)) & Matthew's great-grandmother (Anastasia (Sissas) Bendo-Poulos) were sisters.
Demetri's grandmother (Dina Agrapides) & Matthew's grandmother (Effie (Bendo) Yovanopoulos) are first cousins.
Demetri's mother (Lillian (Agrapides) Martin), married Dean Martin (Greek Orthodox priest, now deceased). Lillian and Effie are 2nd cousins.
And besides the above blood connection, Demetri & KRANKI are also connected via the Finale family through different marriage lines! It's a very small, very close, world.)

Keep in touch,
Helen

I'm not sure how I would go about communicating with somebody I am a fan of. It has a rather sycophantic, star-fucker quality to it that rubs me the wrong way. Would I even want to meet him if he were just my cousin who had some boring office job? Probably not. But if he was a funny cousin with a boring office job I think I would.

Does contacting him make me a star fucker? Did I mention I don't like star fuckers and hangers on? That's probably why I didn't ride some body's coattails to fortune back when I worked in Hollywood.

Please take a moment to weigh in with your opinion.

Say NO way to crochet!

Brother give up the needle. It's no way to live righteous!




Proof that crocheting is an addiction.

Just say NO to crochet!

Please do your part as a concerned citizen to help spread the word. Show your friends the dark side of crochet before it's too late.