Worst Case Scenario starts with "W"

I was at the main Khronicles office here in San Francisco I had just finished a breakfast meeting with the entire senior editorial staff including my dogs Ass Breath and Freckle Dick and I caught a glimpse of two headlines that caught my attention.

U.S. Sees More Evidence of Iran's Meddling in Iraq


The title of the second one was...

Iran Notices that the United States Invaded Iraq and Blew the Fucking Hell out of the whole place and pissed off the entire Islamic population of Earth and just about everybody else who doesn't have stock in companies that are getting rich off the big steaming pile of imperialism and an air of Superiority and Smugness that Hasn't Been Seen Since the Nazis Danced their Genocide Shuffle through Grand Old Europe and Gasoline was a Whopping 11 Cents a Barrel.

I didn't have time to read the second article but I'm curious to see what it's about.

I think I'll go cryopreserve myself for 25 years until things smooth over. That way I can hang out with all of my favorite kindergartners and they can pay for the beer for a change. Plus I won't have to buy all the 538 different ipod upgrades that will be developed in that time. However, I could be screwing myself over badly by doing that since there may not be much left of Earth or Chin-Earth as they will be calling it when China takes it all over by making adorable and cheap little 3-cent robots who crave anglo blood. I guess all those times I tipped the delivery from Fu's Palace in coins will come back to bite me in the ass. I wonder if the entire world was controlled by China would there still be areas called Chinatown? Probably just Little America. A theme park where they dress up as pale, slightly tall characters with strange round and oval-shaped eyes. You'd be able to go there and get a strange rounded dessert mound that is flat one one side and with a crust of cooked dough on the top, filled with a sweet, chunky, apple-mush inside. And you won't need to reheat it because due to global-warming the earth will normally be 165 degrees. Except in a harsh winter where it may occasionally dip into double digits. Or they might keep us Westerners alive and use us as Occidental slaves who toil in the plastic mines.

Okay, I've change my mind. I want to take the blue pill instead, please.

I swear to the disembodied head of the Baby Jesus I have GOT to stop reading about politics or my blood will one day combust like a... a... Somebody finish up that rant for me while I go brush up on my Cantonese and Mandarin and look for pills of any color. Okay, let's run a freaking video.

Land of the Chewy Air

Palm Trees & Movie Stars!


Come and sit on Grandpa Kranki's knee children.

Have you ever wondered what Los Angeles was like? I think visually and attitudinally, if that's a word, that this video gives a good flavor. Yes, there are the occasional Entourage type parties and big fancy houses with swimming pools and there are some cool parts like Los Feliz and Venice but this is the guts of LA and as we all know guts are not always pretty to look at. It's a city for made for cars, not people.

City of Angeles Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKAG8rfGiMo&eurl=

There, now you don't have to visit the land of chewy air. I'll be visiting but it's just because I still have so many great friends down there. It was great to see my favorite married couple this past weekend. I wish you both love and good fortune and a heaping portion of patience and luck with your new retarded* dog. I hope you enjoy the John Tesh: Invitation to Prayer and Worship book and CD I got your for your birthday.

*their words, not mine.

A picture is worth at least 988 words

This is a new patch that I bought for my jacket. It now says the name "Cora" on my favorite Thermogas vintage jacket and I thought this was a tad cooler and would cover it up nicely.

I'm not sure what is going on here but she really has bad taste in clothing.

I have at least five friends (mostly women) who are all preggers right now. I hope that they all have happy healthy babies that are as handsome or, if possible, even more handsome than this bundle of joy. I don't know if the hair is real but I think starting a business that makes toupees for babies would be highly profitable. Truly a Golden Diapers Idea. I would also like to point out that the name Krankiboy makes a lovely first name for a girl baby. Edgy.

This is just a friendly reminder to the moms-to-be. Make sure that your little ones are getting enough protein in their diet. I wonder how many puppies there were before she started snacking.

Spawn of the Crocodile Hunter

I started to read an article about the Crocodile Hunter's daughter getting a TV show of her own and I thought it was great. Exploitative and capitalizing on the fame of her dead father like a hungry money leach, but still lovely that a tradition of harassing animals to amuse TV viewers is being carried on by the next generation. Then I saw this picture of Steve Irwin's daughter, Bindi. Yikes! I thought that having a retarded girl on TV might be an odd way to go. Seriously, doesn't she look as if she has Down Syndrome*? My friend and new blogger J described her as looking like Corky from Life Goes On. Maybe she was born a tad early. "She kind of resembles a cookie that you've taken out of the oven before it's fully cooked."


Thank goodness it's just a really terrible picture of her and she really looks like this.

A lovely young lady. Although... if you look at the picture too long you start to wonder if her hands and arms are monstrously large for her body. It's like she's got Popeye the Sailor arms. I wouldn't want to take a punch from those powerhouse guns of hers. I'm sure they will serve her well if she should need to pin a Croc's jaws shut in a close encounter. In the back of my mind I'm a bit worried that she too will have a fate like her Dad's when some benign variety of butterfly perches on her ponytail and she has some kind of allergic reaction to it's pollen. In any case they need to fire her publicist immediately. Nobody wants their adorable, young, aspiring TV star looking like a mongoloid with gorilla arms. I think it even says so in the bible.

*I've worked with kids with Downs Syndrome and they are wonderful and upbeat children, but I wouldn't put them on television. So please don't give me a hard time about ragging on the mentally retarded, you fucktard.

Beergoggled Bob: A Survivor's Story

Yesterday evening my friend Bob (not me) found himself cabbing it back to the apartment of a woman he'd just met a few hours before. Normally this would have been a good thing, right? No. Not in this case. You see Bob had been drinking a bit and smoking a decent amount of le herb and he ended up sharing this cab at the request of the woman he'd met at his friend's dinner party. Once he got back to this woman's house and bright lighting he told me that the fog of the alcohol began to wear off and it slowly dawned on him that he most certainly did not want to fool around with this slightly older woman who was not at all his type in either the looks or personality department. She also had a totally stuffed nose and was sniffling constantly and wiping her nose with her hand. She clearly had some kind of full-on cold. She also had a less than melodious voice which she clearly liked to hear the sound of. Poor Bob, what an awkward predicament to be in. Here are some of the things that slightly stoned yet rapidly sobering up Bob did at 2am to try and express his disinterest without hurting the woman's feelings... much.


1) Pretended to fall asleep on the couch when she went to get some water from the kitchen. Sadly she didn't let him sleep but instead woke him and insisted that they should go to her bed. Strike one, Bob.

2) Made a truly tremendous effort to get her cat to climb up on him to serve as a protective buffer from any sexual advances or physical encroachment. Bob is also allergic to cats so that says quite a lot to me about his desperation. The cat was shy and never served as the feline shield that Bob so desperately needed. Strike two.

3) Fabricated an elaborate story about having feelings for their mutual friend to buy some time to think of another means of escape. Sadly she had placed her legs on him and seemed to be actually using a bit of force to hold him in place. That is how my pal Bob related the predicament to me. I can only repeat what he told me, right? In any event that was strike three.

4) After she picked up on his subtle hints of non-interest she suggested that they could just sleep in bed and she said "I promise not to attack you or anything." Bob decided this sounded reasonable and agreed. She had lied. Once Bob was resting peacefully on his side of the bed she almost immediately attacked him. Bob informed me that she was a rather lousy kisser with dry lips and unshaven legs. That poor bastard. Could it have gotten worse? How was Bob able to escape? What tale could he tell to make a speedy escape with his dignity still somewhat intact? Could he make it out without killing her or even worse... having to continue kissing her.

Bob held totally still hoping to tap into his happy place. Just as he did the brilliant escape plan became crystal clear.

What magical words did Bob use that gave him his sweet freedom and a long fucking walk back home? Bob did the lamest acting of his life and, with as much conviction as he could muster, he said, "OH, darn! I just remembered... I have to be up early. I promised my mom that I'd drive her to church in the morning."

Somehow the hollow and pathetic lie had worked. It gave Bob the time he needed to confuse her long enough to allow him to make his escape. Bob quickly grabbed his vintage coat and hurriedly fled into the night. The cold crispness of the early morning air felt like a sweet homecoming against his face. He had cheated fate and lived to tell the tale (to me, his friend). Bob looked to the heavens and whispered a quick, pagan prayer to the gods for sparing him. I mean, I assume that's what he probably did. I only know what Bob told me. I wasn't there to know for sure.

Bob feels badly for his scrambled senses contributing to such an uncomfortable interaction. He has since promised me (several times) that he will exercise much greater caution in any and all future events where alcohol, marijuana and socializing are involved. I've known my friend Bob for a long time now and in my heart I truly believe that he has learned a valuable life lesson from this intense experience.

At least one of these is a picture of me wearing no clothes

Well, it's nice to know that my impending nudity can elicit a response. The telegram from Sherriff was very demanding. Some of the positions and props he requested were just ludicrous. Here are the naked images that my publisher approved for posting.

The one of me at age 3 splashing about in the kiddie pool with my krankiwang showing didn't make the cut. I'm saving it for the cover of my autobiography.* I wonder if they can prosecute somebody on kiddie porn charges if the pictures are of the person being charged. Hmm... I should probably go to sleep now if those are the types of thoughts that are going to pop into my head.

*Tentatively titled "One day you'll be big and everybody will want to play with you"

Crayons and other things in my pants that could choke small children

Crayons and Other Things in My Pants that Could Choke Small Children

You're all winners in my book... erm... blog. Everybody gets a picture of me where I am wearing no clothes. I'll just post the naughty morsel for all of mankind (the six people who read this blog) to enjoy. Feel free to doctor it up and photo shop it to make me look hotter.

Forgive me Father Blogger it has been nearly 3 weeks since my last confession. In that time I have been down in the sinful bowels known as Los Angeles getting my affairs in order. I had a very lucrative garage sale. I didn't use the Krankiboy name because then the yard sale would have drawn the usual hordes and shameless throngs of paparazzi. That's no way to earn an honest buck. I unloaded a pile of odds and ends that you'd think nobody would ever want to buy. All I'm left with are a few crayons and other things in my pants that could choke small children. A plastic lizard, a Polichicks pin, some Canadian coins, a penguin eraser and a shiny blue rock that has somehow gained some kind of sentimental value. Being a severe pack rat I find yard sales to be wonderful things but I'm not always able to part with the crap that I collect. Thank god there are people willing to buy half-full bottles of perfume, Post It notes, old screwdrivers and ugly tin boxes with teddy bears on them. That and some decent items made me exactly 1,181 dollars. I think I could probably be a professional yard salesman at this point. Perhaps I'll write a How-To book on the subject. I just need a clever and catchy title.

Here are a few of the yard sale highlights.

1) The old woman who was utterly disgusted with me when I told her that I'd like two dollars for the Barneys cashmere sweater. Clearly she liked it but my egregious pricing prompted her to toss the item to the ground and storm off.

2) The guy who found flaws in everything I had for sale as a means to get me to sell it for far less.

Annoying Mustache Guy: "This dresser has some scratches on it here."
Me: "Yes, that's why it's only 20 dollars and being sold at a yard sale."
Annoying Mustache Guy: But... 20 dollars is too much. I give you three."

He did that for about an hour before he finally realized I had him outnumbered in the brain cell department.

3) The white-haired old coin collector who felt comfortable enough with me to describe his sexual fantasy with his favorite Sizzler waitress. "Lemme tell you, I've been trying to get under that apron and into her pants for three years now. I can just imagine what it would be like to just get all up into her hot wet crotch and press myself in there with my balls all the way up against her sweet thing."

I can't find the words to properly describe the little hip wiggle dance he did while he "shared" with me.

The yard sale proved to be a rich and rewarding experience on many levels. I found a bunch more stuff in the garage a few days later and will probably have a Sidewalk sale with the stuff I haul back to San Francisco.

I'll post the picture of me wearing no clothes when I get back to my new hometown of San Francisco.

NAME THAT BLOG - Win a Prize!

Okay, the Khronicles staff, and our interns have been working overtime and burning the candle at both ends. As the Editor of the Khronicles I get tired out after a day of pouring over reader feedback and reading all the comments I get here. Last week there were 3 on the same post.

This week I am going to let YOU, name my blog post. Just give me some titles to choose from and I will write a blog that fits your title.


If you title is chosen you will be emailed a photo of me in which I am wearing absolutely no clothes.

Is the Internet God?

Sherriff said...

Okay, but ten years ago someone might have described this internerd business thusly: There's this thing that goes all around the world see, but it doesn't exist see, but it's everywhere but nowhere, and you can ask it anything, and it knows everything, and it's not God, and you use your fingers to talk to it. And it has naked ladies. That's sort of futuristic innit? Sheee-it.

okay, i want the orgasm pill too.

NO, WAIT! The Internet IS GOD.

Maybe we're all religious and worshipping the Internet. I never considered myself to be religious but the Internet is truly an awesome god to whom I pay homage. I have to digest that concept of the Internet as God. If anybody tampered with it I'd be personally hurt. However unlike an actual God ours is serviced by IT people. Although I guess God could have IT people service him if he wanted. I'm genuinely taken aback. Sheriff has shown me the light. I've had a semiepiphany... *ponders*

*returns* NO, WAIT! The Internet IS GOD. It is something that I rely on, something that creates a community. Everybody is striving for a faster connection so that they can be closer to God.
It falls into the Shinto belief that God is alive inside all of us (who have computers). I sure as hell pay homage to it and revere it. I face my computer more times a day than any hard core Islamic faces Mecca.

It gives me a whole fucking mess of messages. It's all knowing. I should simply work backwards and start with deductive reasoning.

Why is the Internet not God? I can't think of anything about the Internet that is ungodly. Can any other worshippers out there who get this holy message think of a way in which the Internet is not God?

Kneel down before me for I am all knowing, and I offer porn.

Bye Bye Armageddon Pie

Well, it's been great knowing all of you. Well most of you. Most of you who have been nominally friendly to me. It seems that our time here on earth may be drawing to a close thanks to some stellar international politics by the Bush Administration. towards a stubborn and irate country whose people are inherently confident that the next life is going to be far better than this one.









I just wanted to wish you all the best if you are lucky enough to survive by living under the sewers, subterranean caves or in a bomb shelter and avoid the nuclear fall-out. Don't forget to bring lots of water. Remember if you're in a pinch you can always drink your own urine. It's been a grand time, folks. Go out and have as much mindless sex as possible, take all those drugs you were afraid to take before and hope for the best. Pretty much a standard Saturday night for many of my readers. It could be weeks, months or even years before the political shit pile tumbles down on us, but there is nothing wrong with giving your arse a preemptive good-bye kiss.

Fanmail Friday

Just like Oprah, Jon Stewart and Ms. Fits I too get my share of fan mail.

Let's take a peek and see which email I pluck from the bunch today.

Ennie, meany, miney, moe... catch a redneck by the toe, feed him bleach and let him go.

Got one.

Cory Soldwisch wrote:
Do not attempt to have a battle of wits with Neal Boortz if you're unarmed.
I pray that the children you teach recognize what an incompetent you are and place your opinions down there with the excrement they wipe from their shoes. Hide your face in shame you fool! Long live Neal Boortz!

Well, that one was not as positive as they normally are. I'll get another.

peter weiss wrote:
my, my! If you are an educator then where is your open mind? It seem that you were just spewing political vitriolic diatribe to hear yourself speak. There was no dialogue nor was there a valid point in your e-mail. You showed how myopic you are. One then can assume why you are a teacher. You cannot do much else. It is not difficult to explain a lesson plan that the administration tells to.
By the bye, all one had to do was graduate high school to become a teacher 100 years ago. This was when we had our Edisons and Freuds and Einsteins. How many kids do you "teach" can make change working as a cashier without using a calculator or having the register perform this task for them? Not many, I see this every day. So much for our education system.

You know what... I don't think this Friday Fanmail thing is working out that well.

But because these gents got their email posted they automatically win a year supply of Email SPAM!

Please help me out and sign mahatma30029@yahoo.com & csoldwisch@gmail.com up for some porn sights so they can do something to releive their tension. I'm thinking they would like some Asian Anal Action.

Fun with FOX NEWS

It seems I have gained the attention of some of the conservatives at FOX NEWS. I've been published on a right wing website.

Let us all join hands and dance!

Here is what the Neal Boortz site said about me. I'd never heard of the man before yesterday.


"LOVE THOSE TV APPEARANCES
Now here's an email from Matt. Matt must have seen me on TV during the last few days. [video of Neal on Hannity & Colmes] I want you to notice what an incredible job Matt does of refuting the positions I put forth. Matt was probably captain of his debate team. Matt probably thinks that debate is the stuff you put on de hook. Wait! Matt's a teacher! Well that explains a lot! Why he can't spell my name correctly, for instance."

Subject: Neil's Wisdom

Name: Matt
Email: krankiboy@yahoo.com

Message:

Neil: From your perspective I can certainly see how educated children would be detrimental to your way of life. Who will be there to watch your shows? You remind me of an ant trying to push a giant piece of crap (your thoughts) uphill. The difference is that your excrement is smeared all over my TV set.
No offense to ants for the comparison to the lower life form.

If we teachers should decide to make a nuclear weapon we'll send it your way so you can give us your opinion on it.
________________________________________

I got some friendly emails from his fans. Two of the 178 emails I received were well thought out and grammatically correct.

I sent this reply to all 178 (and counting) people who were kind enough to email me their best wishes.
I agree that the Teachers Unions have problems. It was the absurd and uncalled for comparison that Boortz made between teachers and terrorists that prompted me to make my own highly juvenile, inane, and intentionally offensive comparison.

I don't think Boortz is anti-education, but Fox News and Boortz and Hannity in particular have such little regard for facts or anything constructive that I'm just at a loss to try to reason logically with much of what they have to say.

Dear You,

I like to try and see all sides of an issue which is the only reason I will tune in to Fox News. I'm disappointed in the move from news as a whole moving from information to infotainment for the sake of ratings. It really isn't even news. It's degenerated to a who can yell their opinion most often and loudest contest. It should have a title other than "news" because it's mislabeled. It could be Political and Current Events commentary.

Programs such as Left, Right, and Center at least have an element of restraint. The hosts and guests normally make a concerted effort to be rational and cordial. I think that I most object to the manner in which Fox News delivers their opinions as if they are facts. Those people that use it as a primary source of news become polarized against the other side of the political spectrum. The swarm of uninformed liberal idiots who just watch the Daily Show for their main source of news. The end result is a polarization of thought which, in my opinion, has been detrimental to the country and exploited successfully by the Bush Administration to gain the Oval Office.

Edward R. Murrow would have an aneurysm if he were here to see where news has gone. The end result seems to be a dissolution of any sense of unity and common interests among Americans. The importance of responsibility and credibility in the news has been replaced with ratings and rantings. That's just my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Krankiboy

Even Odds on Oblivion

Today, as I read the news, I wonder if mankind is going to be killed off by over consumption (ourselves) or nuclear war (ourselves) If I were a betting man I'd still be hard pressed to choose. Sadly even if I did know the answer I couldn't profit from winning that bet.

Maybe if we're lucky the hormones they put in chickens will create a strain of super killer poultry that will peck us off the face of the Earth. At least that way we'll die with dignity.

The Colonel's Secret Recipe has doomed us all!

Hissy Fit

GOD DAMN!

I was out in the back of my house with Ass Breath and Freckle Dick enjoying a beautiful warm California morning when I noticed a very large black cat walking towards me. The dogs came around the corner from some sniffing and froze in the presence of this big thing. He was probably about 17 lbs and kept walking towards the dogs and gave a friendly meow. Then he craned his neck up and opened his mouth with a hiss. It was like something I've seen King Cobras do on the nature shows. As soon as I saw it rear it's teeth I tried to get the dogs away but the cat pounced at them. I grabbed the thing as the dogs were scared and frozen just staring at this thing. It was calm in my hands for a minute and then it went completely berserk. Let me repeat that. Completely berserk and drooling with blood lust. It slashed my lip open down to my gums and proceeded to shred my forearms with deep bloody scratches from all four of its claws. The new neighbor who owned the cat came rushing over after hearing the noise. I tried to hold the cat away from my face and it bit down on my finger like a lion on fresh meat. The owner reached for it and I handed it to her. The cat clamped its teeth down on her palm and the owner recoiled in pain so I held onto the cat since the dogs were staying right next to be just bewildered by what was happening. I had a lip gash that was tripping out onto my shirt and I wasn't sure if my lip was half off because of all the blood drizzling out. The owner looked at me like I had my face off. I managed to hold onto the cat, lift it up and toss it back into it's house and shut the door. I don't think I have any permanent damage but I've got some nice juicy slices taken out of both arms and some deeper gouges. The bite puncture hurts like a mother fucker. I feel fortunate that the Cat didn't get it's paws or jaws onto my dogs because they're small and Freckle Dick has only a few baby teeth left. I think if I hadn't been there she would have clamped down and torn out an eye at the very least. I feel like the Secret Service man who jumps in to take a bullet for a beloved President. It cancelled my travel plans but I'm relieved that it didn't get more of my face than my lip and chin. The lip is still attached and might not need stitches if it heals correctly. I guess I'll be using a straw for my food for a few days. The cat is up to date on it's shots. I realize after the incident that the thing was laying in wait like a lurking predator. What the hell kind of cat actively hunts dogs? Next time I'm taking my stun gun with me.

Where the hell is the future?

Ever since I was a little kid with a bowl hair cut and gel sandals people have been raving about the future. It was supposed to be so great. In the future we'll have flying cars... In the future we'll have robots do all our work for us... In the future we'll be able to hunt humans for sport... all the same stuff you've heard. Where are these things? It's been a long wait. So far the only innovations that have improved my life I can count on one hand and thank god it's not my hand because two of the fingers are missing. Three things have made my life better. DVDs, Email, and Microwave Popcorn. Actually, now that I am considering it I think you can actually go ahead and cut two more fingers off the hand. DVDs suck because they keep you inside when you could be getting fresh air or exercise or sunshine or actually actively doing something. Email is just a lazy person's version of classic letter writing. Traditional letter writing was once commonplace. Now you'd wet your pants with spastic joy if somebody actually took the time to hand write a thoughtful multi-page letter. That's a practice that requires you to think about what you are going to bestow upon the page in actual ink. May those of you who still practice the ancient craft have fortune bless you with pleasant, localized tingling of the extremities and obedient pixie slaves to serve your every need. Except for spell checking. You still need to do that yourself or you'll get lazy and go back to slacking. Okay so that just leaves microwave popcorn. There is nothing bad about microwave popcorn. It's fast and it's delicious and as long as you don't stand with your face pressed to the microwave you won't get eyebrow cancer. As for those of you who still leave it in too long and burn it all I can say is I hate you. You just wasted my entire future. That horrible smell that lasts for days is your fault. There is a scientific reason it smells that bad and for so long. It's because that's the smell of shame. If you caused it you're a dufus who has squandered a rich gift. I don't think you should even get a second chance to ever pop another bag. We don't give laser guns to drunken baby monkeys. Do we? Not that I've noticed. Microwave popcorn is great and all but come on, Future... that's it? One thing? I can count one thing on my dick. Here, watch... One. The Future has played a cruel joke on us all. I want what was promised and I want it now. I want all the things I dreamed of as a kid or there are going to be some vague but serious threats made by me. That, my friends, you can count on. I don't want some shit bucket arse recycled new version of Windows or gummy vitamins. Fuck you Flintstones. I want some of the good stuff. I'm just asking for what TV and the movies and the Future promised me because now I'm grown up* and it's time to deliver.

I want my car to fold up into a small suitcase. I want little pellets that taste like a gourmet, five-course meal. I want my teleportation device for days I don't feel like carrying my bulky suitcase car around. I want my robot butler. I want an little alien pal who follows me around and has cool powers-- I don't even care what the powers are. I want the watch that stops time. I want to be able to go into my dreams and play it like a video game. I want my telekinetic powers like Scott Baio had in Zapped. Plus I want the gum that gives you a mind bending orgasm when you chew it. Okay I made up and added the last one, but still. Just give me something to go with my microwave popcorn. Don't try and say that the Rubik's Cube counted because that was just frustrating. It took me weeks to realize you had to soak the thing in warm water and then re glue on the colored stickers to win. What a ripoff! Look, I'm going be patient and give you a bit more time, Future, but please hurry up. I'll give you 6 - 8 weeks but by then if I'm not riding my robot-ninja-eagle-hot tub-cookie and laser jousting against beautiful naked lady pirate dinosaurs on top of a wild cherry-flavored, sex volcano I am going to be so incredibly... Yeah. Just make it happen. You better. I'm counting.

* Shut up. I am so growed up. Well, you smell like a jerk.

I'm a Google Blogger

Google Blogger. That sounds like a character from a Dr. Seuss book. It think it's in the same book as the Starbelly Sneeches. Ah yes here it is... "Well, snozberries are the most favorite snack for the Google Blogger crew! If winter lasted all year long what would a Google Blogger chew?"

I thought Blog was a bad name but Goog might actually be worse. I still like the idea of calling it a Fuck instead of a blog. Yeah, now that dude is bloody brilliant. I wonder where all his old fuck friends went? Those fuckers.

spare change

I was walking my dogs past a 40 year-old, black,homeless woman who was asking for change. I wasn't planning on giving her any until she said "Have a Happy Valentines Day." There was something really sad in the way she said it. It struck me as such a strange thing for her to say to me that I stopped and put a quarter in her cup. It didn't even make any sense for her to say that to me with the pseudo-holiday still a week and a half away. I suppose I just realized that she was willing to say whatever it would take to get some change in her cup. It's the first time I've given anything to a pan handler in a long time. I remember being in high school on the subway and a woman very convincingly told me that she needed truly 79 cents more to buy a token so she could get on the train. I stopped and gave her all my change. I was about to gesture to the token both so she could go ahead of me in line, but by then she had already turned back around and repeated her plea for 79 cents to the next person that came along. I remember feeling incredibly stupid and used and angry in that moment. To this day I wish I had asked her for my money back.

World Don't Need No Education...

World falling behind on 2015 education goal

By David Alexander
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Access to education increased dramatically over the past century but 323 million children worldwide are still not in school and efforts to achieve universal primary education by 2015 are likely to fail, a new study said on Wednesday.

I grabbed this one before The Onion could get hold of it.

Let's look at what effect the world falling behind in education might have.

1) The World is called into the Universe's office for a stern talking to.

2) The World's grandmother will only give it a 5 trillion-dollar bill instead of a 10 trillion-dollar bill on it's birthday.

3) Unrealistic goal set by humans is not met by humans. Idea to end world hunger by turning the oceans into Jello is reconsidered.

4) When you travel you will continue to meet stupid people wherever you go.

5) Lottery ticket sales will continue to stay strong.

6) Monkeys still have an outside shot at reclaiming control of the earth.

7) The Holy father takes away the World's X-Box privileges exclaiming, "Get your axis on straight and priorities in order you little slacker planet. My galaxy, my rules."

8) All the good jobs will go to the better educated kids from Venus and Mercury.

So, what is the real danger here? I understand that the goal is to have education available as a human right to all children but when you have a dozen wars raging at any given time on this greasy, blue-green ball of wax how can you expect that to happen? Why is it in our interests to educate other countries so that they can take even more of our jobs? Would it cost much for the wealthier countries to provide this opportunity? No. It would just be a tiny fraction of their economy. Wouldn't clean drinking water for all be more of a priority? Even if many of these poor countries did receive the funds to educate all their citizens they wouldn't spend the money on education. Even I would rather have a brand new AK-47 assault rifle than a stack of text books*. You can't make people share your goals and priorities. It's an absurd notion. If I put a stack of bricks in my yard I wouldn't be surprised if I came out the next day and the ants hadn't built them into a small pyramid.

* Although it would be fun to have both so you could shoot the textbooks.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070117/wl_nm/education_world_dc_1

FLUFFY BIRTHDAY!

Hello?




Hey Fluffy, it's me Kranki. I'm calling to wish you a happy birthday



That's so sweet of you to call. Thank you. How are you, love?




I'm doing well luscious lady. What's going down, down under?



I'm just endulging myself with a lazy day. All I did today after I got home from a double shift was repaint the kitchen, clean the house and rebuilt my laptop. Oh then one of the cats was feeling ill so transplanted a kidney from one to the other while teaching little Z-man conversational Spanish. Now I'm relaxing in the spa. I really should get someting accomplished today but it's my birtday, right?



Absolutely, you deserve it. Give little Z-man a hug from me and know that I'm thinking about you my sudsy friend.


Hey, my blogger suddenly won't post anymore pictures so I can't end this with the joke I wanted to. Well, it was me putting Z-man from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls on to talk to Fluffy. He'd say,"Fluffy, you're birthday is happening and it freaks me out!" Then there was a picture of Fluffy flashing her boobs and saying something funny. Sigh... blogger tech problems.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLUFF!

xoxoxo Kranki

Verifiy This!

I'm sick of this word verification thing. I have to verify some word like RETGRU. It's not word verification it's random letter verification. I even have to do it just to make a comment on my own blog. What gives? Yes, I like the fact that I don't get inundated with advertising disguised as comments such as...

sink sink socks said...
The second busty nutten one has the advantage that itsproducts find an open path to consciousness, whilst the activity of thefirst procedure is unknown to itself, and can only arrive atconsciousness through the second one.I looked closelyat her, and I saw that although all the world had exclaimed at herindifference to such homage, and had declared it was astonishing sheshould lose so fine a match, she would only say simply and quietly--'If Shakespeare loved me and I did not love him, how could I marryhim?'Could I be misanthropical when I saw such fidelity, and dignity, andsimplicity?You girls privat may believe that I was especially curious to look at that oldlover of hers, through my glasses.But I bilder deutscher pornostars done that out o' my respectsof you an' Missis Fluker, an' your keepin' of a fa'r--I'll say, asI've said freckwent, a very fa'r house.I betook myself again to mynap, and at lesben chat length a second time awoke, when, to my utter amazement,it still wanted twenty-seven minutes of six.

So while it's great to get that kind of comment and the many that offer to make my penis longer. Notice they never say make your penis girthier just longer. But I digress. Basically I think they should let you have the option to allow certain people to post comments if they are on your approved list. Once they are on your approved comment lis they don't have to word verify again. Well, I have go and explore the world of bilder deutscher pornostars.
Tot ziens mon ami!

Loudspeak

The Origin of Loudspeak

A few years ago my friend Lars and I were in Starbucks. Yes, that Starbucks, the one on the corner near the bank. We were a bit bored so I began "loud talking" to amuse myself. It wasn't incredibly loud that it would be obvious or obnoxious but it was louder than normal and very clearly articulated so that anybody standing nearby was able to hear. We chickened out pretty quickly but over the years we have gotten bolder and better.

A fun way to kill a half hour doing this is to go into any public building with an elevator. It works best if you are very well dressed. The key is success is to be fearless, casual and good at improvising. When a few people get on and doors close you wait a moment for the standard elevator silence and then you begin your conversation. You take turns asking questions and the first person to start laughing is the loser. It's harder than it sounds.

Your friend: "So what did your lawyer say?"

You: "He's saying that if we can prove that the blood they found under my fingernails isn't hers he might be able to have the charges reduced to manslaughter... Oh hey, did you still need me to drive you to the doctor tomorrow?"

Your Friend: "No, it was bothering me too much. I had to leave work and go this morning."

You: "What did he say was causing the pain?"

Your Friend: "It was totally minor, I had a really small tear on my anal cavity. That's what was causing all the irritation. He gave me some cream and said to go easy on the toys."

You: "Karen isn't going to like the sound of that."

Your Friend: "Neither is your wife. Is she still coming to the party?"

You: "Totally, she's been talking about it all week. She even bought some new lingerie."

Your Friend: "Awesome. That'll be off in five minutes. Oh, almost forgot. Can you bring that extra mattress and your blue futon? I cleared out the den so we'd have more bed space."

You: "Sure. Did you invite that cute blonde from the mail room? The big blue eyes, the pouty lips..."

Your Friend: "Good news for you. I got the RSVP this morning, so Carl will definitely be there."

You: "Sweet."

Good luck. I strongly recommend having a few drinks if you are a novice at Loudspeak.

The Flag in My Heart

Like nearly all Americans I am just now recovering from grieving the loss of beloved President Gerald Ford. For me the news had a doubly harsh sting. First came the shock of discovering that Ford hadn't already been dead for years, and then came the shock that Gerald Ford was no longer with us. It was like riding a cruel and rickety roller coaster. A roller coaster that left me feeling emotionally whiplashed by grief. My next thought was for the nation. Could the United States survive the loss of former President Gerald Ford or would the void be too much to bear for our divided and struggling democracy? Time will tell if we can ever fully recover with such a vast void in our core.
The loss is stunning because he was taken from us while still in the prime of his late golden years. He was only 93 years-old when he was taken from us and probably just hitting his political stride. Maybe God simply needed the man's guidance more than we mortals. After all, this man was the only unelected President we have ever had. He was a man credited with having wisdom beyond his generation. Aside from being most famous for accidentally falling down stairs on television and in public on a few occasions he is also remembered for granting a Presidential pardon for Richard Nixon's blatant criminal involvement in the Watergate scandal. Here was a man with the foresight and courage to let his buddy who got him the Vice President gig get off the hook for extreme criminal misconduct and blatantly obstructing justice. How could the nation have ever healed if Nixon had received proper punishment for violating the office of the President?
Now while it is true that I was just a baby when Ford was President and he had no impact on my life in any meaningful way, I still deeply wish that I had been old enough to vote back then so that I too could been there to play my part and have the chance to not vote him into The Oval Office.

I think closing the Post Office and letting all government employees have another day off after the day they got hung over for New Years is a noble and well deserved honor for a man of Ford stature. Today, under the heavy burden of sorrow, the flag in my heart was hanging at half-mast.

Khronicles Unexclusive: 16% of Stupid People Are Also Dumb

Gently Breaking News

In a new USA TODAY/Gallup poll published on Monday a record high 62 percent said the war in Iraq was not "worth it," and a record low 16 percent said the United States was winning, USA Today said.

Wow! I think I actually heard the sound of scraping as they hit the bottom of the intelligence barrel. So 16 % of those surveyed said we were winning the war. This must be the same 16% that can't read, don't own televisions or radios and sleep amidst their own feces. This 16 percent may not be aware that the first Gulf war with Iraq is over. Or perhaps they are still confident that our boys will pull out a decisive victory in Vietnam. But then again how smart can I be considering I read USA Today. I like the pretty color pictures. I hope they can create scratch and sniff news so that we no longer have to do all that hard reading of the words in the sentences. You'd simply scratch the picture of the news item and you could just smell the world events.

Pictured above are Floyd, Boyd and Lloyd outside Liquor Barn in Cowtippinton, Alabama.

The trio expressed their minority view that "The US of Fuck-a-duckin' A is totally whooping the turbans off them there ass-breath, camel-jockey turd lickers." "Terrorize this!" added Lloyd.

President Bush has commissioned the triumvirate to conduct and lead a second Iraqi Study Group. According to President Bush he is looking for "Sumthin with a fresh perspectivity that doesn't have so many fancy ideas." As he boarded Air Force One Bush added "We're doing, like, a war here folks, I don't have time to be reading big long-wordy reports. I got alotta presidentin' to do."

Happy Birthday Jesus

Shhhsssh the little dude is sleeping. Sweet him, he's got a huge little noggin'. I'd better get him the adult size ear muffs.

She what he's doing there in the picture? That's exactly how I intend to spend my Christmas day. Then when I wake up, instead of turning water into wine I'll be turning wine into urine, eating lots of chocolate and watching the entire Season 2 of The Office. It's my own lil Christmas miracle.

This year the only gifts I bought were for my dogs and my mom. I think I did a better job wrapping the present for the dogs but I'm sure mom will still enjoy the liver-flavor jerky.

Enjoy your gifts or stocking full of coal or whatever you can find. I recommend that you find a human who will let you touch their soft parts. Bust out some of the good hooch and smoke 'em if you got 'em. I pray none of you see any creepy Sith lords in your dreams.


Honestly, this dude is a scary-looking mother fucker. He's like a hung over Uncle Fester. I've heard of having bags under your eyes but his are so deep and dark that a large family of bats could live in there. He reminds me of the villains from Scooby Doo. "Like, zoiks Scoob, I think the Vatican is haunted!"
"Rut roh! Run Raggy, run!"

Friendship or Fetish?

It might have been one of those "You-had-to-be-there" nights but fortunately for me I was there.

I just got home from dinner with one of the dearest friends I've got on this doomed little planet of ours. It was a huge and much needed stress breaker to be my complete, uncensored, stupid self with a friend. It's freeing to behave in an utterly, politically incorrect way and feel unjudged. I forgot how rejuvenating it is to spend time with somebody who always has your back through thick and thin and always finds a way to make you laugh.

He was a bit sleep deprived and was especially loopy-goofy-punchy, which made for a memorable dinner. He even agreed to write a song for me entitled "Me Rawk You Long Time." We spent a few minutes looking at the menu and giggling like idiots over how the menu items at the tai restaurant also sounded like kinky sex acts. Our favorite by a mile had to be the "Beef Waterfall."

Him: "Son, if you're ever in the big city and a man comes up to you and offers you a Beef Waterfall... I want you to run..."

Me: "Run to the nearest moving bus and leap in front of it. Because if that man can get to you that means he can get to me....

Him: "Once them gays get our DNA we're done for."

I'm not sure what the young waitress thought when she overheard that riff. I was laughing too much to even care.

It cheered me up greatly and also made me sad that my friend isn't going to be in the same town as me any longer. Here in L.A. you tend to take people for granted and it's easy to drift apart for large spans of time. It's a rare and wonderful thing to have somebody with whom you can just pick up with right where you left off. Or maybe I just have secret fetish for balding men with sideburns. Don't tell his wife.

Urge to Purge #1

Things get stuck in my head. Sometimes they are nightmares, sometimes they're deep philosophical questions and sometimes they're just lyrics to a horrid Paula Abdul song like Opposites Attract. Most people have enough room in their brains to just store these things up. I don't have the space to keep it all. Unfortunatley for me between the demons that live there, my depression, and some light recreational drug use there ain't all that much extra brain space left. Whereas most people can store billions of gigabytes of such crap, I have about as much mental storage room as an ipod shuffle. The old one.

This is my attempt to clear out my mind's lint trap,purge my mind and give the nice demons a bit more room to put their feet up and stretch out while they play cards with old man Depression. I'm basically dumping out the crap that gets clogged in the pool filter onto my blog.

Here is the thing that's been bouncing around my head. Best Seller Lists. I know that they track books to see which are best sellers. Does this mean that there is also a list of worst sellers out there? Ever other book I see has something about it being a best seller slapped on the cover so wouldn't that make it more special for a book to be on the worst seller list? What in the name of beloved Baby Jesus are the worst seller books about? The History of Burlap? How to Boil Water? Ant Farm Maintenence?

My Idea is to simply put out some slapped together book but then give it the big fat cover title of "875 Weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List!!!" That is bound to sell a few copies. Well, I feel temporarily purged. Now if I could get the chorus of that crappy Ben Lee song Catch My Disease unstuck from inside my head I'd be a happy Krankiboy.

When in doubt, take the dogs back out

I'm visiting with my mom during an extended Thanksgiving visit. This is in part to see her to address my guilt over being a bad son and not calling her for many months, part to eat the amazing food that she cooks, family bonding blah blah, but mostly because I like it up here in San Francisco. Something that I find odd about my mother is her ability to have a completely one track mind.
Here are two such examples.
I'll say "Hey, krankimom, do you mind if I watch football on television?"
"Sure, that's fine...what do you think we should have for dessert tomorrow?"
"Um... whatever... or nothing."
"I can make a cherry cake. It will go well with the turkey soup."
At this point I pretended to be absorbed by the game rather than get into a stupid discussion over how cherry cake and turkey soup "go well" together.

She seems to use my visit as an excuse to make lavish deserts that she can then feel less guilty about eating.

Later the next day
"Mom, what channel is your CNN up here?
"I don't know but we need to go to the market before it closes to get the ingredients for the cherry cake that you asked me to make."
"I never mentioned cherry cake, Mom. You did."
"Well, whoever, I still need the ingredients if you want me to make it."
That's when I announced that the dogs needed to be taken on another walk. Why not, they hadn't been outside in nearly 35 minutes.

Happy Hollywood Holidays from Kramer and The Juice

Golly, it sure has been a fun week here in Hollywoodland.


Zany Michael Richards

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Lovable O.J. Simpson

I love watching the Michael Richards clip. There is something very raw and mesmirizing about watching a human being have a nervous breakdown and totally self destruct on stage. It's like watching somebody take leave of their senses and drive off a cliff on purpose.

Doesn't O.J. look happy lately? You would too if you just got paid millions of dollars for a TV show that is never going to air and a book entitled If I Did It Here's How it Would Have Happened. Bill O'Reily (Self Important Duchebag and MSNBC personality) is taking credit for having Fox decide not to air the tasteless attempt at ratings grabbing. The reality is that no advertisers wanted to buy time on the show which is the business decision for why it was scrapped. But the important thing is that O.J. got paid but still has yet to pay any of the 17.7 million dollar judgment that he lost in civil court. I wish the judgment had been that O.J. must rejoin the National Football league so I could watch them knock the living shit out of him every Sunday. I'm currently working on a sure fire hit. It's a wacky Buddy comedy Starring O.J. Simpson and Michael Richards as two LAPD Homicide cops who bond over their love of Necrophilia. Mel Gibson plays their kooky, Jew-hatin' police chief. Hilarity ensues.

I'm just going to sit back and wait for Fox and Rupert Murdoch to call. The O.J. and Kramer casting combo is gonna be the biggest thing since Chocolate met Peanutbutter. I strongly suggest that you start kissing my ass now so I'll invite you to the show's premier party. I've got to go now and pre-count my money. I just need some suggestions for a good name for the show.

xoxo Executive Producer, Krankiboy

Gobble Fucking Gobble

Yeah, it's nearly Thanksgiving time here in America or as the rest of the English speaking world calls it... Thursday.

Pardon me for sounding like a cuntarded stand-up comedian but I feel the need to make the observation that Turkey Day is a stupid holiday. The best thing I can say for the holiday is that millions of little kids trace their hand to make the outline of turkeys. Thanks to the Indians for helping the pilgrims survive the harsh winters when they first arrived in North America. Sorry about killing you all off and taking your land but if the Casinos do well enough maybe you can buy your land back and restock the place with buffalo.

Make your own Hand Turkey... Bitch Amusingish Hand Turkeys

Somebunny sent me something

About a week ago I got a package from some bookstore that I hadn't ordered. I'm not sure why I didn't open it as I was curious. I probably just set it down on the table in my living room. This table has properties very similar to the Bermuda Triangle and the package disappeared for quite some time. Today about two weeks later I get another package. This one has my address handwritten in pink pen. I opened it up right away and this book was inside.



I hadn't ordered this. Why would I? I wasn't doing any kids book research. I quickly did a hard target search of the Bermuda Rectangular table and found the unopened package from the bookstore. I opened it and found the identical book. This one had a receipt and it said that I had ordered it through eBay. I didn't. Why do I have two copies of It's Not Easy Being a Bunny?

What was especially odd was that at the time I was watching the film What the Bleep do we Know? It was all about Quantum Physics and reality and the perception of reality and how do we process what is real and what is perceived as real. Is what we perceive to be reality actually reality or just observed reality? They talked about how looking into this question will lead you down a "rabbit hole." That's when I went outside and found the Bunny book. Now I'm reading it looking for some deep hidden message of profound importance as if fate has placed this item in my path for a reason. So far all I can get is that P.J. Funnybunny, the story's protagonist, does not like eating cooked carrots for every meal and he does not like having such great big ears. It hasn't mentioned anything about time being a construct of applied perception. Maybe I need to reread the part where P.J. goes to live with the possums.

Blog Shy

Blogging used to be a nice escape and a way to connect with other people and sometimes prompt a laugh or two. A good unique creative outlet. Now everybody and their mother and their mother's cat have their own blogs. More than that however is the fact that I feel that certain people who know me well may be judging me and scrutinizing my blog and I'm not eager to provide them with any glimpse into my life. I'm frankly not interested in my almost ex-wife (for one) to have even a vague idea what is going on in my life. There is a 99.8% chance she and others never look at it but the 0.2% chance she is is enough to put me off the slice of life style blog. I'll have to find a way to express myself while sharing nothing of myself or putting my life into the spotlight. I always liked being able to just write whatever came into my mind but now the internal editor is working overtime and harshing my mellow.

My New Hero

Even on days when I am feeling down there are people out there who are able to lift up my spirits and hold me captivate in a state of awe.

I still find it remarkable that the internet connects the pure masters of their craft with a simple citizen like myself. Sometimes I feel unworthy.

You will want to have a pen and paper handy when you view this.















http://www.thorlinks.com/mediaview/978/How_To_Pimp_Slap

Wock On!

In the same week I had two somewhat similar first person accounts relayed to me. I feel guilty for finding them amusing.

The first was my friend Roz who went out on a date with a Chinese professor who works at her college. They went to see the professor's twin brother play at a small club. The twin is a serious musician. He sings vocals and plays acoustic guitar. He was apparently musically talented but his accent made all the R sounds into W sounds in a very Elmer Fudd fashion. Why he chose of all songs he chose to do Aerosmith's classic Wub in an Elewader and Joan Jet's I Wub Wock and Woll is a mystery. I wish I had been there to provide more details and squirm in embarrassment for him.

Tonight my buddy and I went out for drinks. I needed to de-stress badly so it was a rareish and much needed outing. He had been out at a bar and had the "pleasure" of listening to a very polished karaoke rendition of the song Working 9 to 5. However the singer happened to be mentally retarded and even getting the recap second hand I nearly wet my pants.

I hope the Retarded Chinese Musicians' Guild doesn't track me down. That could spell sewious twuble for me.

Yes, I'm going to Hell when I die but I won't be lonely.

Secret Identity

I had to remove that lovely post with the link to the picture I drew because I need to protect my secret identity. If you know my secret identity then you are truly lucky and/or saddled with me as your pessimistic friend.

At any rate I must be off to battle the forces of Evil wherever they may lurk.

Go here. Draw a picture. Tell me what kind of picture you get back. That will show evil who is boss.
www.sketchswap.com

Bumper Stickers

I was on my way back from Northern California today. While driving along the Pacific Coast Highway I saw hundreds of bumper stickers adorning cars and trucks. Here are just 4 of my favorites with some comments.


1) If you can read this then you can probably also smell the FART I just made for you. Stop Tailgating Me!

I truly hate people who drive so close to me that they make my ass itch. This bumper sticker is pro-safe driving and a bit low brow. I approve.

2) GOD was my Co-Pilot... but we crashed in the Andes and I was forced to eat him.

This one shows a blatant disgust for organized religion's pushy preachy attitude. Two thumbs up!

3) Shaving is behaving! Take a Razor to your Bush.

It's playful, slightly dirty, political, and it rhymes. I approve.

4) I Love Porn

Simple, brave, and refreshingly honest. Kudos to you sir.


Have you seen any good bumper stickers? Share.

I can count my L.A. friends on one finger

It's freeing to now be a self-proclaimed asshole. It allows me to say whatever is on my mind with 75% fewer apologies after the fact.

I read the news and saw a bit on TV about the plot to blow up planes headed into Los Angeles International Airport that was foiled a few days ago. Honestly aside from the cruel carnage and vaporizing a few thousand innocent tourists and one nice guy, Roy, who works as an airport baggage handler, I thought it was a pretty fantastic idea.

Blowing the living hell out of LAX could protect millions of people from exposure to this culturally and morally bankrupt sesspool. Blow the entire place up? A grand notion. In fact, I like the idea so much that I'll even do jumping jacks while holding sparklers and blasting ACDC tunes if you need a good distraction.

Actually, I hope they wait until February when I'll be gone from here? Unless of course I've already been forever tainted by this city and should be butchered like a diseased baby sheep. If so, please go easy on the pain level. Perhaps mine could be Death by Chocolate? Just a suggestion.

Taking a trip out of LA even for a few days has helped me realize what an ugly soulless steaming pile of shit this town is.

Los Angeles deserves to be blown to subatomic bits. Here is a partial list of reasons.

1) It's dirty. Even the motherfucking air is dirty. Yes, the air here fucks mothers. I am breathing in dirty ever time I inhale. I am polluting my lungs and not for a buzz or any kind of high either. Air is supposed to be invisible. LA air is frighteningly visible. In fact some days... chunky.

2) 104% of the people who live here do not give a shit about you, or me. They care about you if you can help their career, get them into a cool club or help them fuck somebody hot.

3) 96% of the people you mistook for your friends are fairweather friends. They think you're great unless you can't drive them to the airport and take care of their cat for a month while they go to Jamaica. Kitty is so easy to care for. Just dont' forget that kitty needs to have his teeth flossed daily and special cream rubbed on his kitty anus. If you aren't willing to do that and your "freind" no longer needs you to go out with them to make them feel socially secure and validated while they look for sex from another human being you are now disposable.

4) The California education system is the worst funded in the United States because people don't want to have property tax go to fund education like it does in the other 49 states. They don't see how having good schools would be of any benefit to them or their community. I think it's called prop 13 that made this happen. Now this year the schools in LA are getting an additional 60% cut in funding. Damn, my "become a teacher to get stinking rich" plan isn't looking so hot anymore.

5) Arnold Schwartzenegger is our Governor. Clearly he has the qualifications to run the 7th largest economy on Earth. Exterminate the terminator.

6) Most people here think plastic surgery is just fine. Beware the spread of the Tanorexic Bimbo Virus.

7) In LA you're only as cool as the car you drive. This leaves those of us who own beige 1990 Honda Accords shit out of luck.

8) Melanie Griffith, Carrot Top, Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Mel "I blame the Jews" Gibson, Joan Rivers, that arrogant ass-face rapper dude and that uberbitch what's her name?... You know the one who walks around with that smug perma-grin that makes you want to drop her down a dirty elevator shaft... They all live here.

9) Had they blown LAX airport up on schedule I would not have had my car stopped and impounded on Saturday by the Airport Cops. Granted my registration was overdue, but they in their wisdom decided not to ticket me but to make me get out of my car and impound it. I was driving my aunt to catch her flight at the time and we had to take a bus to the other side of the airport. How the fuck do you get around LA with no car? How the fuck do I even get home? I called my friend (singular) and she picked me up.

And finally
10) They're making another Rocky Movie. End the pain.

Los Angeles is supposedly part of humankind but I think they should be disqualified as the people here are neither human nor kind.

Soddom and Gomorrah certainly had their day of reckoning (if you believe that Bible book that God thoughtfully wrote for us is true). Personally I'm more of a Flying Spaghetti Monster advocate myself.

So if they got theirs then perhaps LA has it's day of recokining on the way. I'll try and keep the faith. I'd suggest that they posion the water supply but the water here is already so shitty tasting that we all drink bottled water as it is.

There are perhps 8 people I know in LA that I think are worthy of not being blown to high hell. Wait... sorry, it's 9 people who deserve to live. I almost forgot to include Roy the baggage handler.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I'm sure that in a few days millions of American school kids will be delighted to be starting back at school once again. No doubt the vast majority will be forced to write essays entitled "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" for their utterly fascinated teachers.

Mainly these Summer stories revolve around trips to Disneyland or Splash Mountain water parks or visiting grandma in Florida. There is always the little pompous rich kid who seems to enjoy addressing the class to tell them all about his European Excursion and all the countries that he went to and all the culture he absorbed. "I even ate snails!" Ewwwww. And their favorite place of all in Europe was France - gay.

Often there is a weird mischievous cousin in the story who either did something dangerous with fireworks or was cruel to somebody's pet cat or hamster.

Sometimes there is a family funeral that the kids feel compelled to write about and totally brings the class down. However that's only if it's one of those downer kids who shares things that nobody really gives a dead rat's buttock about.

There is the child of the hippies who went to agriculture camp and connected to the earth and will bother you for the rest of the year to recycle.

Theatre camp for some of the narcissist kids who have now been encouraged to be loud and sing show tunes on the bus to field trips.

And there is always a kid who will tell you in extreme detail what level he got to on his new Xbox video game

I have already written my own "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" essay. It completely covers everything new and different and exciting that I've done with myself over the last two months.

I hope you enjoy the read:
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How I Spent My Summer Vacation

by Anti-social Asshole

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This past summer I grew a beard. Then it got annoying so I shaved it off.

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The End

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Please submit your 1 to 88 line long essay that tells how You spent your Summer/Winter vacation. I will grade them and give you my inappropriate teacher comments.

Mongolian Barbecue and Giant Tortoises

I had some lovely Mongolian BBQ tonight. I left the house and everything. Drove a car... parked it... just like a real grown-up.

As I was eating the amazing food I was thinking about Genghis Khan the ruthless Mongol invader and wondering what prompts a man to go out and lead armies in the slaughter of other human beings when he could instead just enjoy a nice marinated juicy steak with some kimchi and an icey Coca-Cola

I suppose Genghis was intent on spreading the love of BBQ as far east as he could. A noble goal.

I also bought a book yesterday with a fact in it that blew my mind.

A tortoise was presented to Captain Kidd in 1770. This tortoise lived from 1770 until 1965. That is from the Revolutionary War all the way to the Vietnam War. From the birth of Beethoven to Bob Marley's first billboard hit.

That unravels my brain.

Aussie Anecdote

The vast majority of my readers (a.k.a. Davethescot) have demanded an anecdote:

Here is the first one that comes to mind.

Just before heading to the Meredith Music Festival in Australia I met this dude named Dangerous. Despite his scary sideburns he seemed nice enough and shared some joy pills with me. As the sun began to set this fellow Dangerous went out of his mind on drugs and he kept calling me Kranki-Cunt really loudly*. In my drug-addled sensitive puppydog haze I wandered away from this strange man to escape and hopefully find solace in the arms of hot sweaty dancing Australian women.

Many hours later, when my first foray into international flirting almost lead to a fist fight, I wisely decided to return to the campsite. A tactical retreat. However it was now very dark and I was most righteously stoned and lost in this strange land. I walked about for what seemed like hours and finally concluded that I was full-on lost. I started to panic realizing that I was on the other side of the Earth in the dusty outback with no clue what to do. Druggie tears began to well up in my big dopey eyes.

Just then, far in the distance, I heard the familiar sound of loud Scottish foul-mouthed boozhound talk. Allah be praised! I was able to follow these sweet, dulcet tones back to my campsite and tuck nicely into a warm friendly sleeping bag.

Thanks Dangerous. The next night I found Jesus but that's another story.

* It was actually perfectly normal drunken Scottish conversation volume but I didn't know that at the time. I also wasn't culturally aware that being repeatedly called a Kranki-Cunt was a sign of affection.

NAME CHANGE

I have attempted to modify the blog name for accuracy and veracity.

Please don't confuse the Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes with the Automobile Association of America. If you are stuck on the roadside and need help. I'm probably not the best person to call upon.

I notice the change from Krankiboy Khronicles to Anti-social Asshole Anecdotes has not actually happened despite attempts. Perhaps there is a profanity blocker on blog names. Stupid fucking Bloggerfucker.

Another Paranoid American?

It's not paranoia if someone is actually after you.

Poor Dave

read this


Came across this for anybody interested. Scary scary shit. If it is fiction then it's good writing. And if it's not, the world isn't going to hell, we're already there.

I embrace the fact that Chappelle has been able to point out the absuridity of racism with his brand of humor and have always been a fan of his. If I'm killed in my home you'll know that it was Oprah that did it.

Scientology, The Christian Right, The Black Crusaders it's all too much to take. The Nation is continuing to rapidly divide into the rich and the poor and this consolidation of power creates an underclass. Shades of the French Revolution.

All this evil evil crap from cause for war fabrication to get you and your friends rich to crushing the first ammendment rights that made our country great because some wealthy person thinks that they know better. It's all being done with good intentions.

I hate so many of the changes that the Post Clinton years have brought about and it's only getting worse. Big Brother is watching AND listening. Go back to the distractions that keep you ignorant and embrace the Matrix of delusion.


http://www.chappelletheory.com/theory_may_2005.html