Baby's First Casino Night

Some friends and I went out to a party to celebrate darling K's 25th birthday. The party planners were keen to make it a theme party but couldn't quite decide between Casino Night or New Baby Girl. I didn't know this, so as I approached the house I was a bit confused by the big pink signs that read "Congratulations - It's a Girl!" Then once I made my way into the party I saw the slew of stuffed animals and cartoon baby pictures and decorations. There was a little black girl on a hobby horse and a little black boy splashing in the bathtub. K said they didn't have any pictures of white babies. I told her it was cool, just like the real thing they always attract more buyers. On the table there were pink "It's a girl!" cigars and lollipops. There was also a cascading chandelier made entirely of playing cards. That's right folks it was Baby's First Casino Night! And baby not only had plenty of Vodka, Rum and Gin to go around but she had some bomb diggity Italian catering. Baby knew what she was doing on the food and beverage front.







It was a nice low key party. Although there was no gambling taking place when we arrived.


The decorations were cool and clever but they were overshadowed by the numerous 20 something girls who proudly had their ample cleavage on parade. Or so I was told by my cohorts and the cleavage barers themselves. I'm married now, so I no longer take notice of such things. Ever.


tah tah tah tah tah tah...


tah tah...


tah tah...




tah tah!



Booyah!

If you or somebody you know would like to learn more about cleavage, then be sure to pick up a book at your local library. You can also find relevant information right here.

I am actually not a huge fan of more than will fit in your hand. But it seemed like the hot topic so I was a good sport. I've been down the DD highway and it's just overkill.

When you think about it the cleavage clinic actually makes sense as a unifying visual motif. Both babies and gamblers adore the boobies. Again, as I said, I'm married, so I don't take notice of these kinds of things.

Since there was no gambling going on my friend and I who are not "big fans" of the war in Iraq decided to make some wagers on how many deaths there would be on Iraq's election day. Yes, it's dark gallows humor. I said only 11 U.S. troop deaths, my other friend had a the number in the hundred range and my "lets- bet- 20-bucks to see who wins friend was quite high with his estimate. A friendly young lady came over to join our chat and we asked her what she thought the American casualty number might be. She guessed 250 U.S. troops. I expressed relief. "I had this momentary fear that you were going to tell us that you had brothers or family over there fighting," I jested.

"No. I don't. But I do have a lot of close friends from high school and college who are in the military and stationed there right now."

BIG AWKWARD MOMENT

Blake jumped in quickly. "So, how do you like living up in Seattle?" And amazingly, that was enough to pull us out of the awkward moment.

Okay, thanks for reading all the way down. Now you can go back and look at the pictures of the breasts again.

Krankiboy in Doggy Style

This is how Snoop would have written this post. I think he's a better writer than I am. For the love of Dogg, you have got to put your own blog or website's url into www.asksnoop.com and see your own blog brilliance Snoopified.
_______________________
Below is the Snoop version of this original post. And fuck me, I think he's a better writer than I am.
_______________________

Here is da letter I just sent out in today's mail, know what I'm sayin'? Enjoy n' shit.

Dear Sister John 'n Sister Lelepali,

Thank yo' ass hella much fo' taking da time stop by my house da other day 'n visit wit me, know what I'm sayin'? I am sorry that my telephone conversation did not permit me give yo' ass my full attention, know what I'm sayin'? I am hella interested in religious matters, know what I'm sayin'? In fact, I has spent long hours in front of da mirror soul-searching 'n contemplating da nature of Dogg 'n da role brizzle/tha dude has given me along wit da gift of life, know what I'm sayin'? I has put together some questions that I hope yo' ass will be kind 'nuff answer n' shit. I realize that yo' ass are mo' knowledgeable on these matters of spirituality 'n than me 'n I am open yo' wisdom 'n advice." Please email me at krankiboy@yahoo.com at yo' earliest convenience, know what I'm sayin'? I am anxious hear yo' thoughts on these religious matters, know what I'm sayin'? Thank yo' ass n' shit. I hope they pay yo' ass really well at da church, know what I'm sayin'? I think yo' ass’re doing a really gravy job, know what I'm sayin'?

My Questions:

1) Does Dogg has a beard or not? I’ve seen pictures of tha dude's ass wit 'n without." Which one is right?

2) Is Dogg mad at me fo' something I be like or did?

3) Did Dogg write da bible izzall by himself? Has tha dude written any other gravy books?

4) When yo' ass gals aren't out spreading da word of Dogg, do yo' ass ever like party down? Even da most steadfast vessel of da Lord needs ta recharge they batteries."

5) Do yo' ass know that Dogg exists? How? Wass tha dude's favorite color? Will I meet tha dude's ass when I die?

6) If Dogg hates da gays then how come tha dude lets izzall those alter boys get molested by da priests?

7) If yo' ass accidentally kill somebody during rough sex can yo' ass still get into heaven? Just curious, know what I'm sayin'?

8) If Jesus comes back, would that shiznit be okay if tha dude crashed at yo' place?

9) Would that shiznit be weird if tha dude walked in on yo' ass while yo' ass wuz taking a shower?

10) Would yo' ass lock da bathroom door or would yo' ass trust tha dude's ass 'n leave that shiznit open?

I would be hella excited if Jesus came back because tha dude seems like tha dude wuz a really nice person n' shit. My cuz Matty B asked me see if yo' ass know da answers these questions n' shit. They are not listed in da bible or da encyclopedia." Tha dude’s Australian so that’s why some of da questions may seem strange." I don’t think tha dude knows a lot 'bout Religion, but tha dude asked me nicely help tha dude's ass 'n I think that shiznit’s important enlighten even those that live in dark 'n Godless corners of da globe."

Here are tha dude's questions n' shit.

A) What sort of plane did Pontius Pilate fly? I told tha dude's ass I didn’t think that there wuz any planes or even cars or fire back then, but tha dude wanted find out from a really religious person who knows fo' sho, know what I'm sayin'?

B) If alcohol is evil, why did Jesus turn da H-2-Izzo into Wine? And what happened at that party anyway?

C) And why wuz getting Stoned considered a punishment back then? Nowadays we PAY fo' da privilege!

Thanks again fo' taking da time help me learn mo' 'bout da word of Dogg 'n please tell me mo' 'bout yo' church."

We Putting the Chronic Back in the Khronicles!

Dis Site be the Shiznit!

Glorious!

I was sippin' on gin n' juice with my mind on my money and my money on my mind when I was alerted to this amazing and essential tool. It will convert any URL site that you plug in, into Snoop Dog speak. Enjoy this Snooped up article from www.cnn.com below.


Meth Use Explodes in Cities

'Yo' ass can't just dabble in crystal meth'

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Already known as a rural scourge, methamphetamine is becoming a problem in a number of U.S. cities n' shit. Meetings of da 12-step group Crystal Meth Anonymous has increased in Chicago from one night a week a few years ago five a week." In da Atlanta area, methamphetamine users account fo' da fastest-growing segment of addicts seeking treatment." Rehabilitation centers there are seeing an uptick in da number of brizzle meth addicts, while officials in Minneapolis-St." Paul be like they're treating an alarming number of meth users younger than 18.
"Most muthas just think that shiznit happens in da farmlands 'n da prairies or out back behind da barn," says Carol Falkowski, director of research communications at da Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota, know what I'm sayin'? But that's not da case anymore, know what I'm sayin'? Falkowski found that meth addicts now represent 'bout 10 percent of patients admitted drug treatment programs in da Twin Cities, compared wit 7.5 percent a year ago 'n 'bout 3 percent in 1998. About a fifth of those meth users who sought help in da last year wuz minors n' shit.
'It's da new major drug threat'
She 'n other experts who track urban drug trends fo' National Institute on Drug Abuse are meeting this week in Long Beach, Calif." They present they findings." Some has noted a big ass jump in da use of meth -- particularly in its potent crystal form -- in da past six months a dis year, know what I'm sayin'?
"It's da new major drug threat," says Jim Hall, director of da Center fo' da Study 'n Prevention of Substance Abuse at Nova Southeastern University in Florida." Tha dude monitors drug use fo' NIDA in Fort Lauderdale 'n Miami, where crystal meth is often mo' sought after than Ecstasy 'n cocaine, know what I'm sayin'? "Here, that shiznit's almost like da early days of cocaine, when cocaine wuz da chic, expensive champagne of street doobies," says Hall, noting that many users come Miami's trendy South Beach strip in search of da purest, most expensive meth available n' shit.
Methamphetamine -- long a problem on da West Coast -- made its way across da country in da last decade, often taking hold in rural areas, where that shiznit's usually made because da process creates a noticeable stench, know what I'm sayin'? Increasingly, drug enforcement officials be like that mass quantities are also being shipped cross country from "snoopa labs" in da Southwest 'n Mexico, know what I'm sayin'? Experts be like da drug started catch on in urban areas in da club 'n rave scenes 'n sometimes among particular populations, such as gay fools, know what I'm sayin'?
That's been da case in such cities as Washington, D.C., 'n Chicago, says Thomas Lyons, a research associate wit da Great Cities Institute at da University of Illinois at Chicago n' shit. Often, tha dude says, meth use has been associated wit increases in sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV."
'Such a slippery slope'
One recovering addict who helps organize Chicago's Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings confirms that da gatherings are frequented by gay fools -- but tha dude says that, increasingly, tha dude's seeing muthas from other backgrounds, know what I'm sayin'?
"It's become mo' common that I cross paths wit muthas who be like, 'This is my drug of choice,"' says Mike, a 34-year-old former meth user whose organization does not reveal last names protect group members' privacy."
Experts elsewhere be like they populations of meth users are diversifying, too."
Claire Sterk, an Emory University professor who tracks Atlanta's numbers fo' NIDA, says that while meth users there has traditionally been white, there are early signs that meth is making its way into da city's black 'n Hispanic communities n' shit. Experts in other cities also has noted that some young brizzle are using methamphetamine as a way lose weight n' shit.
"It's definitely everywhere," says Adam, a 26-year-old former meth addict from suburban St n' shit. Louis who also asked that tha dude's last name not be used out of fear of embarrassing tha dude's family n' shit.
"Though I'm not using anymore, I'm sho that shiznit would only take me three phone calls find that shiznit" says Adam, who works in da retirement benefits industry 'n is getting a business management degree at Saint Louis University, know what I'm sayin'?
Tha dude also speaks on behalf of da Partnership fo' a Drug-Free America, which launched education campaigns in St." Louis 'n Phoenix last year try combat growing meth problems there n' shit. The nonprofit plans similar campaigns in at least four other states in da next year, says spokesman Steve Dnistrian."
"Our fear has been that meth will catch on wit a new generation of kids who haven't heard 'bout that shiznit," tha dude says."
But in some cases, that's already happening, says Dr n' shit. Rob Garofalo at Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago n' shit. "It's da drug that makes me cringe da most," says Garofalo, who's come across a growing number of meth users among da patients tha dude treats at da hospital's clinic fo' older youth n' shit. At first, tha dude says, these young meth users see da drug as a "brightener" -- one that helps 'em concentrate, stay up fo' hours 'n feel in control." In time, however, users become increasingly paranoid 'n aggressive, know what I'm sayin'? It's also highly addictive -- "such a slippery slope," Garofalo says n' shit. "Yo' ass can't just dabble in crystal meth, know what I'm sayin'? "

Recognize 2005 The Associated Press." All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed, know what I'm sayin'?

"Yo Fuck that, you Five-O mutha fuckin' fuzz! Snoop be up in here laying down facts n' shit, try ta educate y'all bruthas."

Thanks go out to Mr. Snoop Doggy Dog for that insightful reporting.

http://www.asksnoop.com

Let Justice Be Swift or Saucy

America is the land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Lady Liberty stands tall for Truth and Justice. Many have given their lives in the name of America. Men and women have perished fighting for the sacred rights that keep our country great and our flag of freedom flying high. For instance in our Judicial system all people are deemed by the court of law to be innocent until proven guilty. That is unless they're creepy looking. The defendant shall be judged by a jury of his or her peers. Or in this case by boneheads like me.

It's amazing how pompous and smug we are about our superior democratic form of government and yet nobody wants to actually have to do the actual work that it requires.

I hope I get a good case. And when I say good I mean either one that takes five minutes of my time or a really juicy high profile scandalous one so I can write a tell all book about it. Something where say a woman's twin falls in love with her sister's husband and kills her sister and makes it look as if they were both killed in a river rafting mishap, cross-country skiing accident or a grizzly bear attack. She then the evil sister resurfaces, posing as her dead sister, assumes her sister's identity and steals her life and husband. And she would have gotten away with it if her grief-stricken mother hadn't found that journal. Oh and maybe the sisters also had a torrid, incestuous lesbian affair. Perhaps if it's a minor crime I can at least write a tell-all pamphlet and have it adapted to a miniseries. But really, my fingers are crossed for the first one. Did I mention that the twin sisters would be crazy hot looking?

Since You Didn't Ask...

In one of the downtown windows, local historian Roy Richards has compiled an intensive inclusive history of the egg, complete with photos, memoribilia, and souvenirs. One of the best images is from the 1931 Farmers-Merchants Picnic where an 8-foot wide frying pan was brought in from Long Beach (see related page) for the egg festival. Thora Lindner greased the World's Largest Frying Pan with bacon slabs strapped to her feet, and an enourmous omlet was made in the pan. According to the newspaper article, accounts of the number of eggs used in the omelet vary betwen 7,200 and 10,000.


Thai cooks go for world's biggest omelette November 16, 1997Web posted at: 4:08 p.m. EST (2108 GMT)
BANGKOK, Thailand (CNN) -- It was an egg whip-up of giant proportions when over 1,000 cooks with nearly 500 assistants broke 20,999 eggs in an attempt to make the world's largest omelette.
Saturday's event in Chachoengsao province, east of Bangkok, was aimed at promoting egg consumption in Thailand and was sponsored by the Red Cross.
As the 1,100 housewife cooks reached for the big pan, the recipe was no secret:
1,500 kilograms (3,300 pounds) of eggs
1,100 liters (260 gallons) of vegetable oil
31.5 liters (8.2 gallons) of fish sauce
8 liters (2 gallons) of lemon juice
The stirred eggs were sprayed into a giant-size frying pan from a total of 140 hoses.

Dogtastic Gift

It's one of teh greatest birthday presents I've ever received. My dogs Freckle Dick and Ass Breath have been immortalized (and exaggerated) in their very own cartoon. My talented friend Mr. Charles (Buddy) Hickerson of Quigmans fame did the excellent artwork that brought my cartoon concept to life.

If he needs a kidney, he now knows who he can count on.

Shades of Sheriff

"Freeze there girlies ors I'll fill ya fulla Sheriff Juice! Better yet, run for it. That'll make it more of a sweaty sportin' event. Lemme just git my ropin' lasso sews I can catchya."




There is just something special about being Sherriff.

Is it the Power, the Rock, the Roll, the Sex, the Drugs, the stable of wild women? You decide.



"You have the right to remain sexy! Okay. You're free to go. Why no, I don't have a key to those handcuffs. What shall we do?"

Sun. Good. Oil. Bad.

So apparently a solar panel this big is large enough to generate more than enough power for the entire planet. I'm all for that Idea but I'd just like to put it smack in the middle of the United States. In fact let's not even tell the folks Midwest what we're planning. It would also make a kick ass place to make the world's largest omelet. Fuck now I feel obligated to go and google World's Largest Omelet. How do I get myself into these situations. Isn't google just a fantastic verb? Does anybody know what city in Australia that near? I don't want to have to look that up too.

Dear Church Chicks

Here is a letter I just sent out in today's mail. Enjoy.


Dear Sister John and Sister Lelepali,


Thank you very much for taking the time to stop by my house the other day and visit with me. I am sorry that my telephone conversation did not permit me to give you my full attention. I am very interested in religious matters. In fact, I have spent long hours in front of the mirror soul-searching and contemplating the nature of God and the role she/he has given me along with the gift of life.

I have put together some questions that I hope you will be kind enough to answer. I realize that you are more knowledgeable on these matters of spirituality and than me and I am open to your wisdom and advice. Please email me at krankiboy@yahoo.com at your earliest convenience. I am anxious to hear your thoughts on these religious matters.

Thank you. I hope they pay you really well at the church. I think you’re doing a really good job.

My Questions:

1) Does God have a beard or not? I’ve seen pictures of him with and without. Which one is right?

2) Is God mad at me for something I said or did?

3) Did God write the bible all by himself? Has he written any other good books?

4) When you gals aren't out spreading the word of God, do you ever like to party down? Even the most steadfast vessel of the Lord needs to recharge their batteries.

5) Do you know that God exists? How? What's his favorite color? Will I meet him when I die?

6) If God hates the gays then how come he lets all those alter boys get molested by the priests?

7) If you accidentally kill somebody during rough sex can you still get into heaven? Just curious.

8) If Jesus comes back, would it be okay if he crashed at your place?

9) Would it be weird if he walked in on you while you were taking a shower?

10) Would you lock the bathroom door or would you trust him and leave it open?

I would be excited if Jesus came back because he seems like he was a really nice person.

My friend Matty B asked me to see if you know the answers to these questions. They are not listed in the bible or the encyclopedia. He’s Australian so that’s why some of the questions may seem strange. I don’t think he knows a lot about Religion, but he asked me nicely to help him and I think it’s important to enlighten even those that live in dark and Godless corners of the globe.

Here are his questions.

A) What sort of plane did Pontius Pilate fly? I told him I didn’t think that there were any planes or even cars or fire back then, but he wanted to find out from a really religious person who knows for sure.

B) If alcohol is evil, why did Jesus turn the water into Wine? And what happened at that party anyway?

C) And why was getting Stoned considered a punishment back then? Nowadays we PAY for the privilege!

Thanks again for taking the time to help me learn more about the word of God and please tell me more about your church.

Maxwell Hardy

Return of the Religites

So it took nearly a millennium, but I think the Church is finally getting a clue about marketing in the 21st Century. Sex Sells! I say this because yesterday which was MLK Jr. Day so I had a lovely Monday off from work. Just add that to the many accomplishments that the good Dr. King made possible. But I digress, in fact I spend most of my free time digressing.

The point is I was home on a holiday and I get a knock at the door. Freckle Dick and Ass Breath begin barking up a storm at the door as only they can do. I open the door assuming it's the housekeeper. You see many of us here in LA have the twisted fortune of paying people from less wealthy countries like Mexico and Central America to clean our houses. Coming from the east coast it seemed weird, but it's easy to make the adjustment to being lazy. But again I digress. But it's not our housekeeper, it's two attractive young women in their mid-twenties. They're both wearing stylish short skirts and name tags. My dogs are sniffing their legs with great interest. My first thought is "Did I order two young women off the internet?" Sadly, no. Not this time. They're here to talk to me about Jesus and God and their Church. I repress the powerful urge to blurt out "Jesus!? Isn't he dead? I heard that he died a few years ago." The next urge I suppress is to yell out "You fuckin' Churchies just cost us a very important Presidential election. I fucking hate you!" But I'm a gentleman and more importantly I'm startled by the sight of two hot young God-fearing women on my doorstep. Perhaps it is my destiny to convert them over to the righteous path of hedonism? Fortunately I was on the phone when I opened the door so I didn't have to get into a heavy chat about how they're worshipping a set of rules that is responsible for killing more people than anything else on earth.

Churchie Skirt #1: Hi, we're from the Church. My name is Sister John and this is Sister Lelepali. We're going around speaking about the Church and sharing the word of God." They're friendly and fairly laid back certainly as far as nuns go. Sister John goes to shake my hand. Which made me oddly uncomfortable and I pretended not to see her extended hand by telling my "long distance" caller to hold on a moment.

Churchie Skirt #2: How are you today?

Me: "I'm... fine, thanks. Although I'm on the phone long distance right now."

Actually the person on the phone was calling from about 7 miles away.

Churchie Skirt #1: When is a better time that we can arrange to come back and see you?"

Huh? This part didn't even sound like it was about official church business. I've never had young women arrange to come back and see me. At least not two at a time. I'm thinking I wish my wife was here to speak for me, because I was coming across as somebody who was totally cool with hearing about the Church and "the Word of God." Why? Because it's hard for me to be rude to cute young women despite the severe brainwashing they may have received. I tell them to come back in an hour or so. Why? I don't know. I just hoped they'd be done in our neighborhood by then and forget all about me. But just in case I left this note on my door.



In retrospect I should have hung up the phone, asked them in and shown them my Jesus Action figures and asked them to show me some of their tattoos. I should have made them comfortable, offered some refreshing ice tea and asked them why the Republicans are spreading the word of God, since God is dead and our country is in the hands of Corporate Weasels who don't respect any of the Christian teachings of Jesus and have sent us into a mindless religious war in which thousands of our soldiers have died for nothing. I'd ask them why Jesus needed cheerleaders like them to hustle for him if he really is the son of God. Then I could have steered the conversation around and asked if they wanted to pose for some tasteful pictures with my dogs. I could have asked them all about Hell and what I might expect it to be like when I got there. Then it would all be a blur of vodka, sex toys and narcotics until Penny got home. That's when the kinky stuff would get underway. If only some of my heathen Aussie chums had been there with me. I'm shy if there's no appreciative audience to watch me embarrass myself and others. Since they were kind enough to include their address, I've decided to send them a letter. Any questions or comments about religion, Jesus or God or anything that you'd like me to include in my letter to the young sisters? Yes, of course don't worry I'll ask them to include a picture of themselves.

So far I plan to ask them:

1) Does God have a beard or not?

2) Is God mad at me for something I said or did?

3) Did God write the bible all by himself? Has he written any other good books?

4) When you gals aren't out spreading the word of God, do you ever like to get freaky deaky?

5) Do you know that God exists? How? Does he like the ladies? What's his favorite color?

6) If God hates the gays then how come he lets all those alter boys get molested by the priests?

7) If you accidentally kill somebody during rough sex can you still get into heaven? Just curious.

8) If Jesus comes back, would it be okay if he crashed at your place?

9) Would it be weird if he walked in on you while you were taking a shower?

10) Would you lock the bathroom door or would you trust him and leave it open?

Be My Guest

You are cordially invited to Krankiboy & Krumpets.

Please be my virtual guest on Friday the 21st from 2pm to 3pm (Melbourne Time) that's Thursday at 7pm to 8pm (California Time) Just go to the bottom of my blog and click on the chat room coffee cup thing at the appropriate time.

I have no idea who will show up, but all are welcome. With the collective brain power of the people I have the intense pleasure of knowing* you can be assured that somebody will say something brilliantly vulgar, thus making the whole international nerdventure worth your valuable time. Think of it as my belated international birthday mixer.

Please RSVP to krankiboy@yahoo.com so I can put you on the A List and send you a reminder.

*Knowing doesn't necessarily mean knowing in the biblical sense but it might.

Go Naked to the Office!

While looking up info on the Britcom The Office, this juicy article title immediately peaked my interest. Is it leather gear that people want to wear to work? Kinky.

Naked to the Office is Now Legal

New business leather products inspired by requests from the legal, mortgage, insurance, banking and real estate industries.
(PRWEB) January 17, 2005 -- Damiano Designer Accessories, Ltd., a New York City based leather manufacturer recently introduced a new line of business Naked Leather products. The line was inspired by requests from the legal, mortgage, insurance, banking and real estate industries for leather products that will accommodate 8 1/2" wide by 14" high (legal size) paper. Today, most people take paper sizes for granted. The history of paper sizes was a complex matter and eventually warranted government intervention. At one time The United States used three different paper sizes. Government committees came up with separate standards, 8" x 10 1/2" for the government, 8 1/2" x 11" (letter size) and 8 1/2" x 14" (legal size) for the rest of us. In the early 1980's President Reagan proclaimed that 8 1/2" x 11" (letter size) is the official national standard. Although beneficial too many industries it also was negative to others.In today's business world, letter size documents are widely used and are by far the most common. The demand for legal size documents and products, although popular at one time, is slowly declining.Specific business industries are still dependent on legal size documents and are finding it extremely difficult to locate products to accommodate their needs. To address this problem, Damiano's new products include an assortment of legal size Naked Leather zippered and non-portfolios. During 2005, Damiano will expand the line to include legal size Naked Leather binders. Damiano Designer Accessories, Ltd., a privately owned company was established in 1995. When established, Damiano's primary business included corporate branding and custom designed leather products manufactured to client specifications. Today, it has expanded its line to include high quality Naked Leather business products for the retail and promotional products markets. The products are available in both letter and legal sizes. Damiano's trademark is "Go Naked to the Office."

Obviously I was disappointed that they were talking about paper holders. Whoever wrote this article should be held down and given a series of severe papercuts across their eyelids. Next time you go around putting the words "naked, office and leather into the same sentence you'd better follow up by throwing in some gratuitous sex. You hack. Well, you did mention Ronald Reagan, I guess that's pretty hot.

Fun for the Whole Family!

Yes, it's true that I went off for a romantic weekend trip to Palm Springs with my lovely Penny... and all my Inlaws. But I swear, I was thinking about you the entire time I was gone. Despite it being a "family vacation" Penny and I still managed to squeeze in some sex and drugs. Alas there was no Rock and Roll to complete the three-headed fun monster. It's still fun to get baked with Penny's family. Although after the fourth time they forced me to do Ali G, Borat and Bruno impressions for their stoned amusement I was able to come up with a subtle way to excuse myslelf and go back to my room.

Me: "Oh Christ. I don't want to have yet another Ali G conversation, or do any more "hilarious" impressions for you stoners. I'm going back to my room."

Normally I'm quite happy to keep people entertained for hours while feeding my fragile and hungry ego, but I think impressions are pretty low on the comedy totem pole. Plus I am not some wunderkind impressionist. The situation just reminded me of that old proverb. "In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king."

So I gave my father in law a copy of the first season of The Office threw down a smoke bomb and made a hasty, ninja-style exit.

Help me out here. In this country we make sitcoms and do 22-24 shows a season. Yes that's a bit much and the quality of the shows does suffer a bit, but here I am watching The Office laughing at the brilliant performances and clever writing and I'm excited that there are a full two seasons to enjoy. Then I get to the sixth episode and bam! The season is OVER! WTF?

This is a hit show! A big ass hit show, worldwide... and they only ran for 12 episodes? There has got to be some happy middle ground. I understand going out while you're still fresh, but that's like a pro athelete retiring after his 12 match. I'm going to go into The Office withdrawl. I only have 2 episodes left to watch. I think I'll need some methadone or at least another decent Britcom to help me detox. Whatcha got?

Krankitime!

Okay, I couldn't make the Melbourne Grog Blog. I would have had such a magnificent hangover (a.k.a. great time meeting everybody).

So can we set a time and date that a bunch of you (you know who you are) can visit my chat room so I can host a virtual gathering (bottom of my blog page) and I can be entertained by you? Great? When?

What time is good for you? Yes, you? And what time is that in California Time?

Buy me a cyber lobster dinner and some cyber vodka drinks and virtually anything could happen. Sizzle!

Really what date & time should we set it for.

MEmail krankiboy@yahoo.com

Today I was The Man.

I didn't think I was wading out into a sea of cultural bear traps but I did.

What's that, you say? You want to confuse some very young children in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day? Well, this is one way to do it.

I was initially excited to talk to the kids about one of my heroes whom I have personally admired for his courage, dedication and compassion.

I'm teaching a class composed entirely of black and Hispanic five and six-year-old children about Martin Luther King Jr. I begin by tell them all about what a great man Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was. I tell them about how he used peace and love to help create opportunities and change the world for the better. I explain very simply how black and dark-skinned people used to be forced to sit in the back of the bus and would never be considered as smart as white people, how they couldn't even use the same drinking fountains as white people in many places or eat in the same restaurants as white people, etc. I ask them if it seems fair for people who aren't white to be forced to go to schools that aren't as good as the schools white children go to. (Yeah, kinda like this one, oops) I tell them all about about how Dr. King worked tirelessly for equality for African Americans. He showed people that we need to share our country and the things we have. And trust me on this one this heavy duty stuff is a bit more complicated than your typical Berenstein Bears plot but I'm thrilled because they really seem to be getting it and appreciating the hardships that men and women of color had to endure. I emphasize the great strides that our country has made since the terrible days when black men and women could be bought and sold as slaves to do the work of their white masters. That's when one of the little boys in my class says-

"But Mr. K, you're white and you tell us what to do."

Me: (LONG LONG PAUSE) "Uh... That's true but... Um"

That took me by surprise and I fumbled around a bit and eventually got across the idea that I was in charge not because I was white but because I was the teacher. Everything seemed fine and dandy and then little Niessa asks-

"Do we have any black teachers at this school, Mr. K?"

Me: "No, we don't. But we do have a few Hispanic teachers."

So I manage to verbally limp back on track and go on about how Martin Luther King Jr. gave great speeches on how all people are equal and how he dreams that people will be judged by their heart and how they treat people, not by the color of their skin.

I talk about the many people that didn't like Dr. King and fought against these good and fair ideas.

Bam! More tough questions.

"Why didn't they like his ideas?"

No way to explain institutionalized racism and generational and cultural bias to kindergarteners. I have nothing here.

"Were those white people who hated him?"

Me: (Oh, Fuck) Uh, yes, but not all... Only... Those were white people who were... Only some white people who were not good and caring people fought against Dr. King."

At last, I'm in the clear worked my way out of that. Then I tell them that it's very sad, but Dr. King was doing wonderful work and helping to make changes when he was shot and killed by a man with a rifle. A rifle is a big long gun, I explain.

Tyran: "Was is a white man what killed him?"

Me: "Yes, it was. A very bad white man. And bad is something.... Um... that... is on the inside of a person and has nothing to do with what color skin color you have. So you can be a bad black person or a bad-- Black people aren't bad... You can be white and good or white and bad. Any color person can be bad... or good."

Now I'm even a bit perplexed. Am I part of the problem?

I've lost them completely at this point. Blank and confused stares and squints. Even more than in a normal kindergarten class.

"Did he die?"

Me: Who?

"Dr. King."

Me: "Yes, Jorge, he was a real person and when real people are killed, they don't come back they gone. And that's why it is so sad that a man who worked so hard for peace was killed for his kindness and his ideas. That's why we celebrate the great things that Dr. King did while he was alive.

"A white man made Dr. King dead?"

Me: "Yes."

"Teacher, why he killed him?"

He had hate in his heart and (trying to dodge the question) they caught him and put him in prison and they never, ever let him out.

"But, and we have no school on Monday. That's good."

It's- no... yes... We celebrate Dr. King's life, not his death. The good things he did to make our country better for everyone.

Lots of hands go up with questions. So I did what any good kindergarten teacher would do in that situation. I quickly grabbed and read a rhyming book about lady bugs. Mercifully, there were no tough lady bug questions to answer. Then we all danced to Mickey Mouse's Dance Party Mix. Saved by the gloriously limited attention span of children.

Then we watched The Very Hungry Caterpillar on Video.

So: Kids, what did we learn?

1) White people (who look like Mr. K) killed a wonderful black man.

2) Racial stuggles: Not the easiest of topics to explain to minority kinders.

3) Bugs! A nice safe subject.

After that I was far too anxious to read the book their teacher had planned about the two brown monkeys who escape and the nice white zoo keeper who finds them and takes them back home after that. I wasn't taking any chances I could just see the kids going home with fact and fiction all jumbled up.

"Mom, Dad, today Mr. K told us white people were better than black people and the brown monkeys and they killed the black King and he got killed and the zoo keeper put them all back where the black people belong because they shouldn't go there 'cause it was for white people only."

That would be a fun phone call from home.

This link is much more in the spirit of Civil Rights and desegregation. I think the late, great Dr. Kig would have approved. Plus it's just fucking funny.

www.blackpeopleloveus.com

I give up.

Journalism?



I find that headline very hard to believe.

1) Aliens? Where's the proof?
2) Lesbians? Were they grinding on each other?
3) Okay let's say they were getting all girl-on-girl lovey dovey-- it could just be that they were experimenting.
4) Even if they ate your hamster, that could just be some sorotity hazing thing.
5) And if they were lustful, animal-eating aliens I doubt that they split the hamster in two and then ate it. Not much of a meal after travelling all this way to Earth and then rubbing scrub brushes into a hot moist lather.








Grandpa was always soo proud of his kitchen cabinets.

Wait, I think I know where the hamster is hiding.

Khronicle Retraction

Dear Khronicle readers. In the previous post I made the cardinal sin of confusing Australia with New Zealand and gave credit to Australia for some clever dog food print ads. I humbly ask that you forgive me for I am but a Seppo.

Here are the five advertisements.

KIWI Dog Food Ads

SHOW & TELL

Internet Show and Tell

More random pictures...



That is some very legible graffitti. Is that the correct British spelling of bastard?








AMERICA is on it's way down the shitter at warp speed. Everybody says support the troops. Support our troops. I'd love to, but I can't. I can feel bad for the troops. Maybe the troops don't know any better. But they invaded a country and are killing people. How are we supposed to win this war? It's Vietnam without the pretty jungle. It's enough to make you yearn for World War 2, those troops I'd support. At least the wealthy people who manufacture bombs, weapons and ammunition are having a good year. More champagne?










When I think about him I touch myself.










Don't you love art? Art is just so... artistic.











There is no higher honor for a freedom fighter than having his bust placed on an ashtray.










This is from a Japanese manual on love making from the 50's. Are those little black arrows erotic or what?











Australian Dog food Print Ad.










What the fuck is TTN room Odoriser?









This is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. I hear she's got a serious fettish for bloggers.










I adore this man, pale knees and all. He too has a blogger fettish.

Photo by D. Boud









Don't worry guys Chubby Chaser Cove is just three miles down the road.







Hooters has gotten really lax with their hiring practices. They must have really good hot wings to still be in business.








A Magical Evening Awaits










Sweet Baby Jesus. Comic books have gotten so tame. Everywhere you look it's Nuns, nuns, nuns.







Okay take a look at this guy. I can't tell what he's doing.



Perhaps he's making a gang sign?



Or doing a shadow puppet demo?



Maybe it's that thing that 9 year-olds do where they link hands and peek inside to make it look like a vagina.







I don't quite get the white trash pride thing. Kid Rock on with your sweet mullet!










Get it. Contents Really Hot! It's a pun.

At my Starbucks the hottest person there is this big Samoan dude with a hair lip named Omar. Is she going to get naked and pour that piping hot coffee on her chest?








"No, dude, you're out of touch. Sha Na Na is still on the cutting edge."







WTF is Open Sports Aerobics? I do like the little kitty kat braids.












Sometimes... to find true love... it takes three.












Well put. I wish somebody would spray paint this on the White House.

www.bombthewhitehouse.org I actually have no idea what this links to if anything.









All publicity is good publicity. It's good to see husbands taking pride in what they do.











Can you flee a "democracy" for poitical asylum?

I agree with Sean Penn when he said (about the Bush administration) "I never thought I'd be sitting here missing Richard Nixon."






Some guys just look good in anything.












"Ma'am, may I give you a hand with those grocer-AAAHHHHZzZzZzZz."
"Good shot, Mommy! Can we bring him home to add to my Daddy collection?
"I'm sure we can make room in the man pit."






Stress Relief for those who are tired of meditation and drugs. Go ahead. Knock yourself out!










I would not want to be this guy's tattoo artist. Too many hard to reach nooks and crannies. What kind of small talk do you make when you're inking the skin around somebody's anus?

D. Boud photo











"Yee-hah! I got your seperation of Church and State right here!"

"Hmmm... Should I wear my denim shirt or my denim shirt?"

I'm pretty sure there's a law against wearing a belt buckle that's bigger than your entire head.







Now, to end on an up note.



Fizzli! I just know my wife would be willing if it was with her. Keep hope alive!













Ooopsie. I must have accidentally posted this twice. Dang. Sop that shiznat up with a biscuit yo! Who is this model?


Yes, I know. I'm such a twisted freak. Oh, if only I were rich, then I'd be considered colorful and eccentric.

Your turn to internet Show and Tell.